John McCain

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All old republican people are the same shit anyway.
Therefore, this article or section should be merged with George W. Bush.
If you are a democrat, consider yourself beaten with rusty metal pipes, so we don't have to do it later.

John Sydney McCain III, IV and V
John Sydney McCain III, IV and V
Personal info
Nationality Terrorizer (as of now)
Date of birth Shortly before the Big Bang
Place of birth Iraq
Date of death soon
Place of death Vache-en-togne Zarpaton County, France
First Lady Tristan Bier's fine ass mom
Political career
Order 45th President, 46th President and so on
Vice President Frosty The Dopeman
Prime Minister Ran in 1965 election
Term of office When Cthulhu awakens–When Pol Pot returns
Preceded by Slick Willie Blythe
Succeeded by Nobody
Political party Gays

John "Darth Tyranus" McCain or J-Mac (1933 BC- still kicking?!) is an American senator, sith lord, ex-convict, corrupt politician, teetering socialpath, living fossil, and will be the next President of the United States even if he must launch a Coup d'état, with his Vice President and pimp, Sarah Palin. He is known as a maverick for his many marital infidelities, and for smiling like he has no idea where he is at all. He is also known as that one by that guy. He fought in the Penile Wars (for Rome, against Carthage) and was allegedly subject to enhanced interrogation techniques for four years including but not limited to Your Mom, thus becoming qualified to be President of the United States. Also, he graduated at the top of his class in the first graduating class of Electoral College. He will best be remembered by the public for his role as Mr. Wilson in Dennis the Menace, yelling at the young kids to get off his lawn. McCain recently did motion capture for the smash hit rhythm game "Prick Hero"


Sketch of McCain in 1788 by Jacques-Louis David.

Nobody knows the early history of John McCain. It could be that:

  1. He is Bob Dole Both were Moderate Republican Senators, decorated war veterans, came in a close second to a George Bush 8 years before winning the Republican nomination, and were way too old and senile to be president. However, John McCain denies this saying, "John McCain has nothing against Bob Dole, but John McCain is nothing like Bob Dole. John McCain is offended that you think John McCain is Bob Dole. John McCain. John McCain..." If this were true, it would make John McCain only 84 years old, which is far too young. Besides, Bob Dole didn't weasel around as much as John does.
  2. He is Harold Stassen For those of you who don't know, Harold Stassen was a Liberal Republican who ran in every Republican primary from 1948 to 1992, preforming worse as time went on. Advocates of this theory suggest Stassen/McCain sat out the 1996 election, making a strong comeback in 2000, finishing a solid 2nd place. The advocates of this theory also point that Stassen was born in 1907, making McCain 101 years old, which looks about right.
  3. He is Bilbo Baggins This theory explains John McCain's short statue (he stands a hobbity 5' 7"), temper, and great age. Bilbo Baggins also bears an uncanny resemblance to John McCain. Advocates of this theory suggest the McCain's belligerent temper is caused by his possession of (and by) the One Ring of Sauron.
  4. He is George W. Bush's real father According to this theory, John McCain is not senile, he is merely border-line retarded, which is mistaken as senility because of his severe old age. (Or, he might be both retarded and senile.) George W. Bush then inherited this retardation from his real father. McCain, unlike darth vadar, has not yet publicly revealed his paternity out of the fear of being pwned.
  5. He is the son of Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox. A month after inception, he was baptized in the Panama Canal, a landmark Bunyan dug out with one swing of his mighty axe.
  6. He is the Son of Adam and Eve, and barely survived the flood of Noah by hanging on to a Vietnamese ship
  7. He has serious erectile problems, and is thus the illegitimate child of the founder of Viagra.
  8. He is of Sith origin (hey, we don't know much about Pope, I mean Palpatine before his political career).
  9. He is really a Mudkip. This would explain his random squeals and shortness. If this is true, it could give evidence for the CIA that they are really planning world domination.

Military Service[edit]

McCain in the early-21st century; the carnage of war is still hilarious!

Upon reaching adulthood, McCain anxiously joined the Navy in an effort enjoy video game-like levels of violence decades before video games were invented.

After several years and much palm-greasing, McCain finally graduated Navy flight school near the bottom of the class, between Mr.Magoo and the Mole Man.

During World War II, John McCain spent five and a half years trapped in a Neo-Nazi war camp being submitted to de-maning interrogation techniques[2], having his penis cut off and his balls electrocuted. He had already willingly divulged all that he knew before first being interrogated with de-maning techniques, but he got a cheap sexual thrill from the instruments used, which would later be used on collateral damages abroad (no pun intended). Toyota was employed in doing the tormenting.

After his private jet was shot down in the Vietnam war, he lost his head and was imprisoned once again and, unfortunately, faced even crueler treatment than he received in the Crusades, the War of 1812 and WWI. Heck, he received worse treatment then James Bond did under Doctor No.

With the help of a fat Vietnamese prostitute, McCain was eventually able to escape. He had been instructed to return alone, but instead he defied orders and brought the Vietnamese prostitute home. He then used explosive-tipped arrows, a knife, an electric dildo, a stick and his bare hands to kill five Vietnamese soldiers. He then commandeered a helicopter and flew it back to American soil. He then flew back to North Vietnam with his Vietnamese prostitute, and won the Vietnam War, twice. And that's the straight talk. The TV show "M*A*S*H" proves it!

When offered a medal of honor for these events, McCain declined, saying "Give it to her. She deserves it more." referring to the Vietnamese slut. McCain recorded these events in his autobiography, which inspired The Doors to dedicate an indefinite tribute to John McCain for winning the Korean War. Or was it WW1? Vietnam? Unlike several thousand unmotivated POWs, John McCain began a second career after being a POW by becoming a celebrity POW.

McCains's anti-war efforts were also made into a major Hollywood production. McCain's part was played by Sylvester Stallone in the biographic documentary of McCain's life titled "Rambo: First Blood Part II." And that's the straight talk.

Marriages and Affairs of State (pre-2008)[edit]

On August 4th 15 million BC, McCain married a Vietnamese prostitute, and had 20 kids, most of which died in an invasion in 1100 BC.

Current wife Cindy McCain (without her makeup on)

On July 3, 1915 McCain married Gianna Michaels, a kids clothing model famous for her friendly smile and small feet. McCain adopted her 1000 unborn children then later had a real mutant named after a town in Timbuck Two.

Upon McCain's return to the United States from several years abroad, he reunited with his scratching post and water tank, but his "wife" had suffered severe injuries from a car wreck in December 1924 and no longer had a pussy to fuck. He then divorced her, got himself fixed up, and married Cinderella "Cindy" McCain, who is now ten million years old and therefore is very young in comparison to John himself. But as a retired POW and porn star, McCain had became a celebrity of sorts, with a "woman on each ball" and a groupie at every bang bus. As president he would most likely put Hugh Hefner to shame with his countless cum ejections and trail of unmarried wives.

Books Written by McCain[edit]

Besides the 'romance' novels with strong BDSM themes, McCain hasn't written anything overly interesting.

His second book detailed what he stood for any why America needs leadership that will stand up, down sideways, not forwards or the other way for change. Always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom.

2000 Presidential Campaign[edit]

In 2000 McCain took part in the annual Republican Candidate-a-Palooza; a televised national talent show in which contestants compete for the opportunity to be the Republican presidential monkey. Ultimately McCain was disqualified in the final round of the competition when it was revealed that he was not, as had previously been claimed, a gorilla. The candidature went instead to George W Bush, a chimpanzee trained by ex-president George Bush Sr. One Republican voter said "When McCain was given a banana, he actually took the skin off before eating it. This clearly showed that he was too intellectual to be given the nomination."

A key feature of McCain's campaign, which would reappear in his subsequent talent show competition entries, was the 'Straight-Talk Express'; an enormous galactic class space-battleship armed with voter-seeking campaign slogans, propaganda-torpedoes and the largest brain-washing Mind-Ray ever constructed. (In other words, it was a pork-barrel project.) Using the awesome power of this battleship, McCain was able to convince major American states to support his campaign, by threatening to 'explode up their minds' if they failed to vote for him. This strategy looked set to take McCain all the way to the White House until the 'straight-talk-express' was shot down by a Universe class intergalactic death-ship; namely, the 'Halliburton', which was under the command of none other than Grand Admiral Dick Cheney. A universally recognized American legend and freedom-fighter; Cheney's intervention removed any possibility of McCain winning the presidency, and this remained the case until Cheney was mercilessly shot by the Confederation of Lawyers in 2006, an event which led to the amputation of his third leg.

Presidential Qualifications[edit]

As many republicans, conservatives, neo-conservatives, republicans, conservatives, and Bill o'Reilly would (almost too) eagerly point out, John McCain is a much more EXPERIENCED leader than Barack Obama. Here are just a few of his innumerable qualifications for the office of President of the United States of America:

  • War Hero
  • Maverick
  • War Hero
  • We didn't say anything about mavericks yet, did we?
  • No, I don't believe we did. Maverick. Also a war hero.
  • Voted with George Bush 95% of the time...what, that's bad? In whose book?
  • (Synonym of maverick)
  • Maverick
  • Did we mention that his running mate is a woman? I mean, come on! How much more progressive do you want!?! Barack Obama's so anti change, he stopped a woman from getting the nomination! That Barack Obama guy sucks. He has no experience at all. Not at all like John McCain.
  • ...shit, this press conference is nowhere near, everybody! Look at how his running mate is a woman!

2008 Presidential Campaign and Presidency[edit]

McCain's chances were great... in 2006
Enthusiastic McCain supporters at a rally.
McCain's a Maverick!

McCain lost.


Well, yes, there used to be all sorts of facts in this section, but who really cares anymore? Do you really need to know all about how Barry Goldwater or Wendell Willkie got to be nominees either?


Yah, well STFU Poindexter and go read Wikipedia then!


Fine, it went something like this:

During the South Carolina primary, John McCain defeated Mitt Romney in a Xiaolin Showdown, which almost destroyed the world and more importantly, the Republican Party. Not too happy about this, the Republican Party summoned Karl Rove to raise Mitt Romney from the dead, as a brain dead Republican zombie. Zombie Romney started attacking McCain's positions, claiming that McCain didn't torture enough people to be a viable Republican Candidate. McCain fought back, stating that Romney was in fact, a flaming homosexual that supported secret fellatio during congressional meetings and hearings.

The battle came to a head in Florida, where the two candidates met to settle it once and for all. Zombie Romney challenged McCain to a cage match, in Tampon. McCain agreed, and the battle of the century began. They fought for hours, late into the night. Zombie Romney's conservative fighting style made things difficult for McCain, but he countered it with his 1337 maverick skills. McCain was about to finish him with his scorpion headlock when he was attacked from behind by Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh. McCain promptly beat the shit out of them, but Romney managed to slip away into the darkness to fight again.

There, you got a story. Are you happy now? Go to bed already.

Campaign tactics[edit]

John McCain prefers an apporach with his running mate, Sarah Palin to win an election against Barack Obama with this formula:

Barack Obama did _______ at a time, place, or in a manner that has nothing to do with anything, take for example: "Barack Obama had diarrhea yesterday and plans to unleash a diet pill pyramid scheme with Joe Biden if you vote for him." That is how McCain gained his whopping 162 electoral votes compared to Obama's number which is nearly triple. It works that well especially when you get a genius like Sarah Palin to be a frontrunner in experience to get all votes from either horny Alaskan men or middle-aged bigots. And that is how McCain lived out his last year on earth...wait he's still alive? Dayuum.

Marriages and Affairs of State (2008)[edit]
The McCain-Palin ticket was supposed to be a reflection of middle America.
Reality was far less glamorous however...

In April of 2008, after many affairs, STD's and divorces, McCain met and began an alliance with Sarah Palin, the SUV driving hockey mom governor of Alaska whose down to earth speeches, dulled down femininity, and Little Miss Sunshine image may very well be the undoing of the American political system. The concept has been met with two thumbs down from Illinois and Pennsylvania and a thumbed up nose from Hillary Clinton.

The qualifications? A love for moose and caribou sandwiches. She reportedly shot Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer one very naughty Christmas Eve. She then callously replaced him with a red nosed Alaskan reindeer named Bill Clinton.

This choice for VP has pulled the rug out from under the feet of democrats and dumped a bucket of cold Alaskan ice water over their solid dead heat. Why didn't they think of putting up a real woman for the position of virtual power? Why the endless round of she/he's? They didn't think America was ready for a real cookie baking mom with 5 kids, beehived hair, a pair of invisible glasses, and a canadian accent to deliver the presidency to the oldest snake oil salesman in history? Besides, this is the 2nd place beauty queen, yes the 2nd most beautiful woman in a town of 20 women. Who better to be the next president of the US if, God forbid, McCain should settle for early retirement within months of taking office?

And how will she fare against Joe Biden? Many women have run up against a Joe Biden and found him to be an insufferable father figure who patiently argues with their ill researched opinions and cock-eyed answers yet never yells at them. He lets them dig their own hole and find their way out of it some 12 years later and always refuses to lend them money. Here in the states we call this "tough love", except for Illinois, which calls it "tough luck!".


Stance on Russians:

McCain has been one of the foremost critics of Russian President Vladimir Putin in the US Senate: "I looked into his eyes and saw three letters: a G, a D and a B". He has said that Putin is "going to cause a lot of difficulties" and that he is "trying to reassert the fact that goldfish actually do bounce." McCain has also stated his belief that Putin is using Russia's bouncing goldfish sources as a political "weapon".

If elected John McCain promised:

  1. To hunt down and kill Baraq Hussein Osama Bin Laden with his bare hands. He will then commit a mortal sin and shoot himself in the head, fulfilling his campaign promise to "... follow bin Laden to the gates of Hell."
  2. To make Iraq our 51st state.
  3. To secure the Iraq-Pakistan border.
  4. To hog all of the health care to himself. In his defense, he actually needs it.
  5. To flood Iran's airwaves with Beach Boys songs.
  6. To win the Vietnam War a third time.
  7. To call the first lady a "cunt".
  8. To outsource America's "Cloverfield Monster" to Japan
  9. To make sure Amtrak trains serve bad food, have no mattresses, and take people nowhere. Mission accomplished!
  10. To give all his supporters free pairs of Depends brand diapers.
  11. To hold annual free lemonparties at the White House; 65 years and older only. No girls invited. No Sarah Palin and no Cindy McCain.

Plans for America[edit]

As for the economy, McCain plans on printing such a massive amount of money that it will become useless thus reaching economic equilibrium, this is by far one of his best plans yet. He has propagated this theory using the infamous Bush Math. On August 15th, 2008, McCain anounced to America that he plans to rape every baby and exterminate every Mexican, but most people didn't notice, because:

Presidency And UnTimely Death[edit]

Dread Cthulhu, the 45th president of the United States and eater of zombie John McCain
Entire Bush family.jpg
George Bushes
Other Bushes

Despite being behind in the polls, the rising economic crisis, and being really really really old, John McCain will win the 2008 election, as the American people will never vote for a negro for president. Well, they did, but Obama was assassinated by the KKK before the electoral college voted, and many of Obama's electors switched to McCain, for fear of also being assassinated.

Upon assuming the presidency, John McCain will immediately declare war on Iran. This will be immediately challenged by the Democrat Congress, who, according to the Constitution, has the power to declare war. McCain will object, on the grounds that the Patriot Act of 2001 abolished the Constitution to defend freedom. Ultimately, the Supreme Court, on March 8, 2009, will declare the case to be a moot point on a technicality because the declaration of war will be against the "Empire of Persia" which ceased to the name of Iran back in 1935 (when McCain was middle-aged), declaring that it is impossible to wage war on a non-entity. McCain will object this, on the grounds that he, as president, has a right and TITTY!obligation to protect America from all enemies, be the foreign or domestic, and real or imaginary. He will also cite the precedent of wars waged against ideas, like The War Against Terror and War on Drugs, which are close to non-entities. Fortunately, McCain will die that day from complications relating to advanced Alzheimer's disease.

Unfortunately, zombie John McCain will refuse to cede power to his Vice-President Joe "SoreLoserman" Lieberman Sarah "Have some Cookies eh" Palin. Zombie McCain will argue that the United States has a long history of allowing the undead to hold elective office, citing the examples of Strom Thurmond, Robert Byrd, and Ronald Reagan. He will additionally argue (after reviving the old Alaskan territorial dispute and nominating Canada the winners in a shotgun decision) that Sarah Palin is in fact a Canadian, and therefore disqualified from the office of the presidency. Before the Supreme Court could decide the case, Cthulhu will awaken and devour zombie McCain, Palin, the Supreme Court, and most of Congress. Cthulhu then will declare himself President of the United States and begin his dark reign of ten thousand years.


Gooks, Hatred of[edit]

In 2000, McCain was quoted as saying "I hate the gooks. I will hate them as long as I live." [3] This however was no doubt part of the liberal media elites' attempt to insinuate that McCain is a bigot; in reality he did not use the slur "gooks", but rather was talking about the "cooks" and how terrible the food was. War, especially with lousy cooking, is HELL.

Gooks, Only bad prison guards are[edit]

Curiously, the term "gook" was invented in 1899 by McCain while fighting Filipino insurgents following the Spanish-American war; it later spread to become a slur toward any Asian or Pacific Islander. But McCain doesn't use the term liberally anymore: "I was referring to my prison guards and I will continue to refer to them in language that might offend some people because of the beating and torture of my friends." Note however that by this definition, Americans who torture their enemies are not "gooks" or "war criminals"; the Republican-approved term is "heroes".

During McCain's campaign, he served Smiles. Moderate on the outside, Conservative on the inside!

Bomb Iran[edit]

In 2006, McCain came attracted some amount of criticism for ordering the Air Force to bomb Iran. Reports indicate that at least 10 detachments of Air Force bombers were readying to deploy to Iran, heavily loaded with bombing ordnance[citation needed]. However, no bombs were dropped, as the bombers were ordered to turn back after it was pointed out that McCain did not actually have authority to launch offensive strikes against other nations. A disappointed Senator McCain later apologized.

Tar Baby[edit]

On March 16, 2007, McCain used the term "tar baby", considered by some a racial epithet against opponent Barack Obama, while answering questions at Cedar Falls, Iowa town hall meeting. He regretted it by saying, "Why would I make fun of him in such an offensive way? He's my nigga!" with raised fists in the air. (well, as high as he can lift those fat, flabby, disgusting things he calls arms) He then used the term "damned Jew faggot" to refer to a reporter. Told that the term might be offensive to some, McCain said he was sorry and he joked that he'd "nigger rig" an apology after the meeting.

Amnesty Scandal[edit]

In 2007, Senator McCain introduced a bill entitled, "Let all the Illegal Immigrants take our jobs and make sure only the Democrats always get elected from now on Act." Attempting to confuse the masses by naming the bill based on what it actually does rather than the normal convention of naming it either the opposite of what it does or something totally unrelated, McCain had hoped that, like the Patriot Act, the bill would pass without anyone bothering to read it. Unfortunately, some jackass intellectual decided it would be a good idea to let people know what was going on, and all of a sudden the public was energized into opposing the bill, totally destroying the political process and ensuring that McCain's clients who paid for the bill would not be receiving it. This caused the clients to demand their money back, which resulted in an implosion of the McCain campaign as McCain had already spent much of it on cocaine and hookers. McCain found himself nearly bankrupt and in a position to have to fire most of his campaign staff, but thankfully not the hookers.

Campaign Ads[edit]

John McCain has recently released an ad in which he approaches a man in blackface holding a sign that says "Obama '08." McCain then proceeds to wash this man with a sponge until the black face make up is washed off and the man is holding a McCain '08 sign. There is a voice that then says "John McCain: Cleanin' Up Da Neighbahood."


Sarah Palin was criticized for installing a $150,000,000,000,000,000,000,000+ "Gateway to Narnia" on the McCain campaign jet. Republicans defended the purchase, because trickle-down economics really work in Narnia.

Bawdy Humor[edit]

We all enjoy a good joke now and then, and John McCain is no exception [4]. Boys will be boys, after all, so an off-color joke is nothing to be ashamed of; only femminazis and other prissy liberals who hate our Constitution[1] would get upset at some harmless ribbing. I mean really:

"Do you know why Chelsea Clinton is so ugly? Because Janet Reno is her father."

HAHA! Good one John!

"The nice thing about Alzheimer's is you get to hide your own Easter eggs."

Heh. Good to know that John can poke fun at himself, even about serious brain diseases; what a guy! but playing Hangman with the nuclear codes is more fun

"Did you hear the one about the woman who is attacked on the street by a gorilla, beaten senseless, raped repeatedly and left to die? When she finally regains consciousness and tries to speak, her doctor leans over to hear her sigh contently and to feebly ask, 'Where is that marvelous ape?'"

HAHAHAHAHA!!! Brutally raped by an animal and she wants more! Hillaryous! Forget "Change" and "Hope"; John McCain can offer the nation something better: Lulz! but he'd never make it on Uncyclopedia if he wasn't famous

Leaked Facebook[edit]

John mccain's facebook.jpg

Musical Career[edit]

John McCain has been in a variety of bands over the years. Here are a list of his musical works.

  • Guitars on Back In Black by AC/DC
  • Guitar solo on One by Metallica
  • Lead vocals for the band Blink-182
  • Gang vocals on The Downfall of Us All by A Day to Remember
  • Vocals and acoustic guitar on his debut solo album, In Bed With Iraq
  • Opening quote on Iron Man by Black Sabbath
  • Vocals, acoustic guitar, and blast beats on his latest smash-hit Blackened-Norwegian Progressive Avant-Garde Death Metal album , I Am Gonna Fuck Some Hot Ass
  • Guitar solos on all of Journey's songs that suck
  • Random muted guitar chord on The Phantom of the Opera theme
  • Supervised production of Spank My Maverick: The John McCain Anthology

See Also[edit]


  1. As Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia opined: "Bawdy jokes are okay if they are really good."[1]
Candidates in the 2008 U. S. Presidential Election
Republican Candidates

John McCain the Elder | Rudy Giuliani | Mike Huckabee | Ron Paul | Ronald Reagan's Ghost | Mitt Romney | Tom Tancredo | Fred Thompson | Tommy Thompson

Democratic Candidates

Barack Obama / Baraq Hussein Osama | Hillary Clinton | John Edwards | Mike Gravel | Stephen T. Colbert, DFA

Independent Candidates

Ralph Nader

Preceded by:
Sir Cheney the Dick (de facto)
President of the United States
2009 AD
Succeeded by:
Cthulhu, who is predestined to eat McCain