Academic Bowl

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Common alternate

Academic Bowl (Scholar bowl, Quiz bowl , Greek: ακαδημαϊκός μπόλ , French: valet - tourné le temps, Japanese: 万力 - オフ 暦年, Latin: Scholasticus Scaphium, Pig Latin: Asterbationmay Imetay) is the pinnacle of interscholastic competition at the high school and college level. It involves asking two equally pompous teams questions pulled out of the organizer's ass such as, " For ten points, name the only time Margaret Thatcher ever had a period" . These questions are stumbled over and butchered for four quarters or thirty minutes by readers who can't even pronounce the simplist of words like "sphinomyelins" or "cat." This normally leads to snickering among the self-righteous dicks that are competing. Nobody watches rounds except coaches because then they would realize how inferior they are and go kill themselves. There are four people on each team and sometimes alternates, also known as the dumb kids. They're typically the dumb blondes who contribute nothing to the team except boobs. Helpful in getting a hard-on, not in getting bonus points. Thus, small-breasted alternates are often placed on junior varsity.

To answer a question, the participate must "buzz in" with the hand-held device. Each team has their own strategy, but most go for the douchebag approach.

“Academic and aristocratic people live in such an uncommon atmosphere that common sense can rarely reach them. ”

~ Samuel Butler .

Academic bowl was started in ancient Rome to give the really smart kids a way to show how much better they really were than the little gladiators that got laid by girls who weren't seventy year-old prostitutes. Over the ages, it has kept the same basic reason for existance: to give geeks a place where they can do better than the jocks who are twice their height and get all the girls to sleep with them. While the jocks shag and bag one girl after another, Academic bowl participants have been known to practice their buzzer skills with their penises. Contrary to popular belief, the terms "Academic Bowl" and "Beauty Pageant" are not synonymous. There are several key differences. It's very rare to find people at academic bowl tournaments that are easy on the eyes. However the talent portions are similar across both activities. In "Beauty Pageants" woman show off their perky boobs that they are proud of and in "Academic Bowl" they show off their verced knowledge that they are proud of.

A good academic bowl paricipant "practicing"
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History of the Modern Academic Bowl[edit]

There has always been some form of schoolastic competion between semi-intelligent life forms in the history of the Earth. Dinosaurs against neanderthals, women against rocks( guess how that went), or fish against dolphins. It wasn't untill ancient times however, that we saw a drastic shift towards structured competition.

In Ancient times, when young Spartacus and Aristotle were in high school, their school formed a great rivalry. This makes since considering on lived in The grease bucket and one lived in Gypsy land, two lands that had been invading eachother ever since Rome sent back a batch of Greek yougurt because it didn't go well with wine. The only problem was that Spartacus's school, Rome School of Atheltics and Little Learnin', would always beat Aristotle's school, Athens School of Philosophy and Laziness. This is because he was constantly exercising for the day when he would lead the Great Slave Revolt against Southern, white, plantation owners. Spartacus also got laid by all the girls because these were nude contests and everyone could see how much bigger his penis was, especially compared to Aristotle's. This caused a rifted between the two when a certain Helen of Troy, who was just Helen back then, who Aristotle had a crush on, noticed Spartacus at at tri meet between the three schools. After Aristotle learned this, he challenged Spartacus to a competition of wits for all the marbles: Helen's virginity. This involved asking both a trivia question pulled from the statue of Zeus's butt crack, and the first to light their candle got to answer. Needles to say, Aristotle destroyed Spartacus by a score of 70,000 to 1( Spartacus got a question about who was the fastest female in the latest olympics, and who couldn't becaused of all the bouncing!). Unfortunately, we all know that noone in academic bowl gets laid; fittingly, this guy named Troy came in a stole the beautiful Helen away and laid claim to her body by taking her virginity and thus becoming Helen of Troy. Aristotle and his friends were still happy that they had beaten Spartacus and thus spread the news to all the other little philosophers the secret to beating the gladiators. The modern academic bowl was born!

Fast forward to the Middle Ages! King Henry VIII held grand tournaments that involved the display of knowledge (which was useless back then). Henry VIII personally asked his staff to personally pick out various town idiots/drunks to compete as these poor burdens of the state hadn't the sense enough to realize the torture they would be subjected to. The tournaments were held in the King's court because he was too overweight to watch the jocks at the joust. Needless to say, the king wasn't cool in high school. The king was the moderator and the queen famously fucked up the easiest job of the game: working the timer/buzzer system. This event set a precedent for every dumb bastard who operates the timer/buzzer system to never learn which button does which. Anyway, several pieces of equipment were used because the medieval people didn't have modern conveniences like paper, toasters, and condoms. The moderator (Henry VIII) read the questions off the ass of the court jester while kitten tails were used as buzzers. The use of kitten tails was discontinued after a while because kittens became extinct until 1912 when an even cuter breed of kittens evolved from Meowth.

After the extinction of the kittens, Academic bowl fell off the medieval radar until the 1950s when everyone was concerned about Communism. By this time, kittens were no longer needed as dildos with buttons were used (this practice continues in today's Academic Bowl tournaments) Academic Bowl tournaments were held by Joseph McCarthy to determine who were traitors to the good ol' U S of A! McCarthy sniffed out the commies by asking this question sometime during the game: "TOSS-UP 10 POINTS ~ CATEGORY-SOCIAL STUDIES: Who is the leader of the USSR?" the correct answer was of course CENSORED!. If one communist rat dared to say "Josef Stalin", they were vaporized, no questions asked.

Once the Communism scare had kinda gone away (kinda), the 1960s rolled around. Academic Bowl became a mainstream extracurricular activity in US high-schools and colleges. However, as mentioned above: The only folks who participated were the kids who couldn't catch a ball to save their lives. In this time of great turmoil and social change in American history, the Academic Bowl kids started taking LSD to make themselves try to fit in with others.

It didn't work.

What happened was that the kids were too trippy at tournaments to tell which button on their signaling device to push even though there was only one button. Every damn high school principal/college president in the nation cut the quiz bowl programs because of this.

The Modern Academic Bowl experience was started up again on February 30, 1992. Principals apparently had enough cocaine money to throw around at useless organizations such as Academic Bowl and Dance Team. Thus the current era initiated. Nearly all concepts were carried over from the previous generations. The only difference was that drugs don't play nearly as big a role as they have in the past. That's not to say drugs aren't still in use at tournaments, but that's a story for another day. In this modern time, thousands of Academic Bowl tournaments are held each day to commemorate important things that affect our everyday lives like calculus (fancy math with a bunch of letters and such). It must be remembered that without Academic Bowl, many kids would be wasting useless trivia on their dumb-ass friends and have nothing to do on Thursday.

How to Play[edit]

Academic Bowl is incredibly dangerous. Many lives have been lost in this most noble sport. Read on with caution.

An Academic Bowl team consists of a minimum of four assholes (teammates). Only four assholes may spew shit (play) at a time. Sometimes a team may bring alternates. Alternates sit out while the pros pwn n00bs. They take this time to sext their significant other or play Game Boy Color. Alternates can only join the game in between quarters, forcing the captain to substitute a good player with a dummy. The dummy takes the time he/she (usually "she") should be using to pay attention to the game to continue sexting. No one intervenes for fear of castration.

Now that we know about who plays and when, let's get on with how the game works. The game is divided into four quarters. Some tournaments have only three quarters which absolutely makes no fucking sense whatsoever since four quarters make a dollar, not three (unless you're Canadian). This should give you some insight on how much smarter the douchebags who compete are than the dumbshits who run the tournaments. Each...quarter has twenty-five "toss-up" questions. This means that the question sheets are tossed up into the air and a deathmatch ensues. The competitors must take a quick hit off of their inhalers for safety purposes then they dive into the pit where much hair pulling and ball grabbing takes place. Whichever team recovers the questions and answers them first wins. The winners might actually have a chance of losing their virginity by the time they graduate high school. Just kidding about that last sentence, but the rest is true.

Once in a blue moon (or every second and fourth quarter), a super terrific fun Bonus Round occurs! This means that if a team wins a round of ball grabbing and answers a toss-up question correctly, they get the special opportunity to earn some bonus points. During bonus questions, the team that answered the toss-up question correctly has a twenty second shot at each bonus question and can deliberate to reach an answer as a team. Historically many friendships have dissolved during fierce debate. The team is read a story and must be asked two questions about that story. Sometimes a dumb-ass team member might buzz in during the story portion of the bonus sequence. They are retards. First of all, the question hasn't even been asked yet; and furthermore, buzzers aren't even used during bonus. Shame be to those who do not know how the bonus round works. One very important thing to remember about bonus rounds is the Law of Getting Pissed. This law states that "for each bonus question your team misses, the opposing team will soon get bonus questions that are incredibly easy." For example: If your team gets an opportunity for bonus, you will always be asked questions that require you to be a physics/mathematics major at MIT to even comprehend. About two minutes later, your opponents will be asked what color most school buses are and collect up to 30 points just for winning a toss-upl. This always pisses you and your teammates off, hence the name: Law of Getting Pissed.

I'm glad we got that out of the way. Now we'll talk about point values. Each toss-up answered correctly wins the team ten points which they use for various purposes such as going for the Daily Double and buying beautiful ceramic dogs! Bonus questions are worth either 5 or 10 points depending on how Satan feels that season. Some teams achieve ludicrous point values like 450 or above while some teams get less points than second graders.

Types of Competitors[edit]

Academic Bowl competitors are always very diverse. Below lists all types of competitors you may encounter at tournaments.

Smart Nerds - These are the only participates that actually care about winning and deepening their knowledge of numerous subjects. They are rarely seen. Infact, a team is lucky enough to have just one of these rare creatures grace them with their gift. Teams with two or three are never heard of and thus extremely lucky and should sacrafice a JV alternate to thank the Academic Bowl Gods for showing favor upon the team. This should be done by secretly designating a practice JV round the "eliminator". Who ever has the lowest score at the end should be promptly place upon a pile of old questions and then lit aflame. If you see one of these rare creatures, please document it through photography so that the National Institute for the Prompt Prottection of Learning Enthusiasts or NIPPLE can track their movement and better protect them.

Mathelete - These are the kids who can do the second square derivative of 34 to the fifth power in their heads. They tend to buzz in as soon as the math question and only math question, all other questions are inferior, is finished. They are normaly Asian and wear glasses. They are only fluent in English if it involves math and have an annoying accent. There is always an eye roll from the other team whenever they hear " Tossup 15: Math" usually followed by a slitting of wrists due to the hopelessnes of them getting points. When the mathelete predictably buzzes in, there is an audible groan that eminates from the other team, not to be confused with the groan when a wana'-be buzzes in.

Wanna-be Smart Nerds - This group makes up the majority of competitors. They grossly overestimate their own knowledge, and when they buzz in, they spew out some unrelated answer or go, " Umm... uhhh..." and screw up thier faces like that will help them remember something they were too sleepy to learn when it was taught in class. There is normaly an audible grumble from smart nerds when wanna-bes buzz in because they actualy knew the answer and know that there is no hope for thoes points. It is very rare to find wanna-bes on varsity because they suck frog penis and prevent the team from winning. Instead, they are almost always on JV and alternate spots.

Douchebags - Douchebags never make the varsity team and are always found on junior varsity. There are certain acceptions, after all all matheletes are douchbags, and smart varsity teams will designate one of thier starters as the "douchebag" if they don't have a mathelete. They are usually the people who buzz in early to cut off time for the mathelete on the other team on calculation questions. You can easily distinguish them from regular competitors due to their sagging pants, sideways hats, and slutty girlfriends. It's thought that they only attend academic bowl tournaments to show off their slutty girlfriends and hopefully get laid by appearing sexy in comparison to the nerds. Although, as everyone knows, absolutely noone gets laid who's in academic bowl...

Peckers- The fastest buzzers are known as "peckers" due to their fast ability to "peck" on the buzzer. They are often scorned and yelled at because they rarely know the answer to the question but find enjoyment in always buzzing in first, aslo know as wana-be nerds. It's believed that these "peckers" gain their abilities from staying up late at night "pecking" on their imaginative buzzer (aka their penis). They are also synonyms with douchebags. Varsity teams be warned, if one exists on your team, you should remove them immediately.

Example of a "Pecker" in Action

Big-breasted Girls - These types of competitors always make varsity, usually in the form of alternates, regardless of their intellectual level. Some nerds have been seen to act in a spasmodic, violent reaction while answering questions by suddenly buzzing, swinging their arms, and "accidently" grabbing their boobs. They always make the excuse that they were excited. Most of these girls are only good for the occasional pop culture question and are more usefull in helping nerds "practice" their buzzing at home by giving them mental images. This is because they always wear low cut shirts to try and distract the other team. Coupled with this is the fact that they lean unnecessarily far forward when answering. Varsitly teams would be stupid not to put one on their team to help distract the other ones durring competition.

A common example of a big-breasted girl

Small-breasted Girls - Small-breasted girls never make varsity and compete alongside the douchebags. They have no function at academic bowl tournaments. Some have been known to stuff their shirts to enlarge their breasts for more attention. This was never successful because at some point in the tournament a nerd would always "accidently" grab their boobs and the scandal would be revealed.

The Captain - The captain keeps this ship afloat. They are also the most pompus of a all participants because they get the extra privilege of answering bonus questions for the whole team. They also get to sign the little sheet doccumenting just how much their team( them in their minds) crushed the other team. This is normaly where you would find the smart nerd unless they are an under-classman, in which case an upper-classmen takes the position because seniority( BS rules made by upper-classman to make themselves feel special) dictates it.

Successful academic bowl teams that aren't led by general retards will evenly compose their team of smart nerds, "peckers", Matheletes, most importantly big-breasted girls.

Types of Coaches[edit]

Coaches are wh academic bowl continues to exist in an organized fasion. If left up to the pomus dick competing, absolutely nothing would get done. Coaches organize tournaments, schedual pracitces, and take the self-richeous jerks to smash inferior teams at tournaments. There are several types of coaches always seen at tournaments. This includes:

Math Geek- this coach is the head math teacher at the school. They teach the " Calculus V under water while being attaked by sharks" class. They are also known for having teams that are so good at math toss-ups that teams have been known to slit their wrists before rounds that they know they will be facing these teams. These coaches are also the ones know to rip their Mathalete's head off, much the same as a female praying mantis does to her lover after intercourse, when they miss a "simple" math question because they forgot to pull out the second derivative of an imaginary number. They are normaly the tall, skinny, mousey guys who you would never want to leave your thirteen year-old daughter with alone in a room. If they are female, they are bigged boned and have a mustache. This is one of the most common types of academic bowl coaches.

History Snob-

Lab rat- the most rare species of coaches, these are the ones who geek out whenever someone mentions Star Wars, Star Trek, or Erlenmeyer flask.

Grammar Nazi- are almost never seen at tournament usually because com. arts questions usually deal with some Russian author who rote some book God only knows. When the rare question does comes up about REAL literature form the West, it is never about what is taught in class because, as everyone already knows, English class is really there to teach students thinks that wouldn't wven come up in academic bowl let alone used in the real world like parts of speech or how to write. this nills any benifit that an English teacher might have. English teachers are also considered too delicate for the saulter language used by academic bowl participants. It is theorized that at the first contact of a foul word and an English teacher's ear, the ear would melt and then her body would spontaneously combust. This means that an English teacher coaching an academic bowl team would have astronomical health insurance and be too much of a liability and cost to the school.

Tournament Staff[edit]