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- You may be looking for HowTo:Stop Playing the Accordion and not even know it!
“It's like a massive fucking whale cock with buttons. that shit is trippy.”
- ~ Turisas Fan on The Accordian.
“I remember my music in the night, With my heart I meditate, and my spirit doth search diligently.”
- ~ Accordion on Chapter 16, Verse 23
In the Hebrew Bible, the Accordion are counted among the "Writings" or Ketuvim (one of the three main sections into which the books are grouped).
Authorship and ascriptions
While some doubts remain about the definite authorship, most scholars attribute The Book Of Accordion to a Jewish scribe named F. Buschmann. While other sources exist, the most widely accepted is an account found among the Dead Sea Scrolls which describes how the Book of Accordion was first written on a sheet of free reed aerophone around the year 945 BCE.
This short scripture also reveals that Buschmann was a Jewish scholar in the Klezmer tradition. While most aspects of this long-forgotten sect remain a mystery, it is known that they were a very devout and musical sect, teaching biblical prophecy through khazone and paraliturgical singing. The accordion is also the sexiest instrument ever to roam the planet mars. It is most famous for its notable cameos in Shakespeare's tragedy, Romeo and Juliet.
Composition of the Book of Accordion
In great similarity to Psalms, it contains a number of verses (scholars debate whether they should be counted as 131 or 135) which were designed to be sung and accompanied by a free reeds instrument driven by a bellows. Accordion also contains a number of Musettes and Zydeocs, although the exact number differs depending on the translation.
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Accordion relays the story of how God looked down upon Earth and saw that His people were building idols to worship their false goddess, Ofra Haza. In a fit of rage, he sent his prophets Alan Bern and Joseph Moskowitz down to earth as messengers to show the Chosen People the errors of their ways.
In similar tradition to Psalms, the prophecies and teachings of Accordion are often given in verse and rhyme. A typical twined verse reads:
- Help LORD, for the godly man ceases to be, For the faithful disappear from among the sons of men.
- They sing with great wailing to one another; With flattering lips and with a double heart they wail.
- May the LORD cut off all flattering lips, The tongue that speaks such sin.
- Help LORD, for their false god is an abomination to you, and speaks to the loins of the unfaithful.
- The false idol sings with great wailing, and shall corrupt the songs of the unfaithful.
- May the LORD fill her lungs with the sea, Her heart and liver with dirt.
The two messengers of God (Alan Bern and Joseph Moskowitz) travel the lands of Palestine, bringing Gods word in verse and song to those they encounter.
As is oft the case with prophets of the Old Testament, in some places they are well received, and in other places they are persecuted. Chief among the persecutors are the citizens of Tel Aviv's infamous suburb - Ha'tikvah, In Ha'tikvah the worship of Idol Haza is at its peak, and the prophets have something very unpleasant done to them with their instruments. Luckily, neither were flute players.
Ultimately, Bern and Moskowitz are able to rally all those outside of Ha'tikvah to their cause, and facing a united Palestine, the people of Ha'tikvah lose faith in their false goddess. As a punishment from god, her lungs indeed are filled with the seas, and her heart and liver are filled with dirt, as Bern and Moskowitz had asked.
Thus, as in many of the Old Testament books, we see that god rewards the faithful, and answers their prayers.
Accordion is also interesting as it is one of the few Biblical Books where we see a wholesale conversion of a populace from idol worship to the word of god. Accordion ends with the following, uplifting verse:
- We give thanks to you, O God, we give thanks. For your name is near, and men declare your wondrous works.
- And so rang out the voice of god, in symphonic chorus the angles sang.
- When I select an appointed instrument, It is I who judge with equity.
- The earth and all who dwell in it listen; It is I who have firmly set its key. Selah.
While there have been many historical interpretations of Accordion, the most common modern interpretation is that god was angry with the false goddess, but especially angry with the music that the unfaithful had embraced. As was made clear in Psalms, the music of the Old Testament was metered, ordered, and in specific keys.
Ofra Haza, along with other false idols of the day, often mixed non-fixed-reed based music with stringed instruments and sections of brass and electric violas. Of all the insults to god, singing Psalms to such a horrific racket must have been near the top.
Other scholars point out that some verses indicate that the Jews did ultimately repent of their evil ways and promise the Lord that they would not do it again. After some traditional Old Testament punishment, parts of Accordion seem to indicate that God comes back wondering if he may have been too strict, only to find that the Chosen People are now worshiping David Bowie. After some good, clean, old-fashioned smiting, God destroys the other idols and once again reign at the top of the pop charts.The accordion was later replaced by the cowbell.