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A roadway in the city of Onstad, lined with khomjkl cypresses

Achewood is a dense hardwood timber derived by treating logs of khomjkl cypress in a solution of saline, sodium chloride and magnesium sulfate. The timber is manufactured mostly in the small Mediterranean nation of Kristofia, and ships largely from the famous deep-canalled ports at Onstad.

Wooden Character[edit]

Achewood's most distinguishing characteristic, aside from it's hardness and, perhaps, woodiness, is that it has a tendency to show, when cross-sectioned, detailed images in place of the more common growth rings. This indicates that the khomjkl cypress is a member of the Ideographic Ash family, which includes such trees as the Gulf pine and Arrowroot (yeilding fourwood and sherwood respectively). These images


have long been collected for display by the native Kristofians, who would ritually split the cypresses with axes fashioned out of the horns of fossilised wooly rhinos and marinate them inside the guts of beached whales, which the Kristofians lured to shore using their famous submarine fluggelhorns.

Another characteristic of achewood is that it is notoriously hard to get in to. Authorities recommend using an axe to chip a small wedge free, then applying a block-splitter or hammer and chisel.

Smart as a Log?[edit]

In recent years mimeographs of the achewood cross-sections have begun to surface on-line, sponsored by the Kristofian government with backing by UNESCO and NUMA. People viewing the mimeographs have noted a curious level of continuity between images, and it has been speculated that the images in fact represent the khomijkl cypress' attempts at communicating with society. The ideograms are unfortunately indecipherable, however, coming across more as the work of some embittered lunatic than any rational being.

Burning for Recognition[edit]

As of 2006, three separate commissions into the intelligence of the khomjkl cypress have taken place, with no conclusive findings. Activists have protested this, pointing to such signs as the fact that a freaking tree is writing in English as evidence enough, but NASA and the Order of the Garter have turned a deaf ear. Radicals suggest that the organisations are being compromised by their involvement with the Nestle-Lindt-Cadbury Adente; however NASA head John Sunderland vehemently denied this.