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Brando.JPG This Article Is Not Endorsed By Marlon Brando or His Look Alikes
I may be dead, but i know what I like, and I don't like this ~ Marlon

“Action is Action”

~ Mike on Action

“Volunteer needed for a special mission!”

~ Action Man on action and men

Revered by moviegoers and scorned by couch potatoes the world over, action has long been a subject of debate. It can be described as an event, real or imaginary, that either causes a reaction or heart-pumping. More often than not, both. Without it, the world would be cold, dark, and interminably boring, much like Dick Cheney.


Contrary to popular belief, history is rife with action. Why, just the other day, someone did something. And that's just one example.

Arguably the first action in history was made by God, currently theorized to be a divine sucker punch delivered to the primordial essence of somethingness, thus causing it to violently explode. This is also referred to as the "Big Bang" theory.


It is a well-known fact that the level of action in a subject is increased proportionate to the number of onomatopoeias added. Batman (esq.) used this to make his television show so action-packed that many people could watch it without falling asleep, propelling him to previously unimaginable heights of action fame.

The following are ten (10) onomatopoeias recognized by the FDA as legal action-inducers. Be warned that using four or more onomatopoeias at a time may cause unhealthy levels of action, and should not be attempted without consulting an action professional.

  1. "Zam!"
  2. "Pow!"
  3. "Whammo!"
  4. "Bang!"
  5. "Zap!"
  6. "Zot!"
  7. "Splat!"
  8. "Whap!"
  9. "Splut!"
  10. "Nonviolent solution!"


The dictionary has many definitions for "action", so many that roughly 100% of Americans tested will produce a made-up number when asked for the precise amount, such as "a bajillion". However, since the dictionary is sorely deprived of action, most people will be inclined to not read it under any circumstance for fear of snoozefest. As such, the actual definition of action has been lost to the ravages of time, but leading action historians have deduced that it was originally something along the lines of "mwak mwak quack, mwak quack". Incidentally, most action historians are ducks. This phenomenon has not been adequately explained by leading action historian historians.

One thing is for certain: like most words in the English language, "action" is also a euphemism for sex. Pow!