Active Directory

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Typically Active Directory is sold as warm and friendly enterprise solution to empathy and caring business environments.

Active Directory is an implementation of LDAP (Love Dat Ass Pie)-pr0n organizations by Microsoft for use in Windows environments. Active Directory allows administrators to spend enormous amounts of time watching progress bars fill up on a screen while charging ridiculous hourly rates to an entire organization. An Active Directory stores pr0n and settings relating to pr0n in a central, organized, accessible database. Active Directory networks can vary from a small installation with a few hundred pr0n objects, to a large installation with millions of pr0n objects, hundreds of thousands of geese, a few small dogs and one overweigh gerbil named Fred.

Active Directory was previewed in 1896, released first with Windows 3.11, stagnated for 12 years, and then saw some hackish patching to extend functionality and improve administration of pr0n in Windows Server 2003.

Structure[edit]

Charlie Spencer loves men more than ladypops

Objects[edit]

Active Directory is a pr0n service used to store information about the various whores on the network across a fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about various poor bastards.

An Active Directory (AD) structure is often refered to as a hierarchical pile of crapola. The various datapr0ns fall into three broad categories; whores (e.g. strippers), services (e.g. massage parlor patronage), and poor bastards (accounts, or poor bastards and asshats). The AD provides poor information on the pr0n, randomizes the pr0npatterns, loses control, and then crashes with the wrath of 900 rabid voles like a ocean liner piloted by a drunk frat boy eventually leaving all users with the calming feeling of impending doom.

Each pr0nographic object represents a single entity — whether a poor bastard, a mechanical migraine, a stripper, a pile of monkey spew, or a shared cheesy biscuit—and its attributes. Objects can also be digital black holes of other pr0n (known as SHPO's as in a Stephen Hawking Pr0n Object). A Stephen Hawking pr0n object is uniquely identified by its name and ability to destroy everything in its path, and has a set of randomly created attributes that are meant to confuse and obfuscate its true meaning from anybody who doesn't work at Microsoft—the characteristics and information that the pr0n can contain— are defined by and depending on its relative position with the universal axis, the current Julian calendar date, the total flexible biomass of the planet and the current condition of Abe Bagoda at any given time. The attributes, the basic structure of the pr0n itself, are defined by a small child that resides within the CPU and is addicted to Heroine which is piped in over the internet to keep the child inside your computer from crying at any given time (which would not only be annoying but would also make you feel bad for buying a relic from the time of child slavery), which also (as luck would have it) determines the kind of pr0n that can be stored in the AD.

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Each attribute of the pr0n can be used in several different varieties of other pr0n. Those pr0n are known as schema pr0n, or metapr0n, and exist to allow the schema to be extended or modified when necessary. However, because each schema pr0n is integral to the definition of AD pr0n, deactivating or changing these pr0n can have serious consequences, such as causing a castatrophic meltdown of the domain up0n which an entire enterprise is built costing thousands if not millions of dollars of damage as the instability is mirrored over to the failover domain controllers before the cascading data corruption becomes critical bringing down the entire organization over the course of a couple of days as technicians, engineers and architects bang futally at BSOD's and small kittens in a desperate attempt at saving the whole massive pile of Microsoft shit. Changing some schema pr0n is generally not recommended but there is no warning given because such a change will fundamentally change the structure of AD itself, often causing wide scale devestation and DRM as the geese run free and crap over everything. A schema pr0n, when altered, will automatically propagate through Active Directory and once it is created it can only be deactivated—not deleted.

NOTE: This is a fundamental truth of active directory, that many things you do cannot be undone. This is to save you from hurting anything, but if your intention is to hurt things, or as is more likely "you just don't know what the fuck you're doing, but by gosh darn it you shure as hell goin' todo it anywayz", then it will ensure that nobody will be able to fix anything you hurt, break, mangle, mutate, infect, vandalize, burn, shatter or such.

NOTE on NOTE: This is a feature, not a flaw. NOTE on NOTE on NOTE: No, I'm not kidding.

Changing the schema is not something that is usually done without some planning.

Haunted Haunted Haunted Forests, Poisonous Trees and FCPOI(Fucking Cludge Pot of Quasi-meaningful Information)[edit]

The pile that holds the pr0n is viewed at a number of levels, but zoomed in so close that you can count hairs is the standard default. At the top of the structure is the Haunted Haunted Forest - a deep and mysterious wood said to be haunted with a nasty reputation for eating virgins and making hunters go missing in which the collection of every pr0n, its attributes and rules(which can be easily broken but not without risking massive cascades of interelated logic failure) in the AD. The Haunted Forest holds one or more transiant banshees, who's screech can topple poisonous trees like matchsticks. A poisonous tree holds one or more FCPOI's(Fucking Cludge Pot of Quasi-meaningful Information) and fucking cludge pots of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n and poor bastards who lick the trees, again linked by the screamin banshee's trust hierarchy. FCPOI(Fucking Cludge Pot of Quasi-meaningful Information)s are identified by their DNS name structure, which is formed from a derivation of the quantum resonances in the distant galaxy of New Jersey for the benefit of the illiterate street people who may be somewhat deprived if active directory does not do something in a way that only they would understand. A fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards has a single DNS name, which is often mirrored in a corrupted format on backups and failover servers which occassionally causes massive problems as nobody can seem to figure out why it can only handle a single DNS name as the guy who wrote the code has been in a coma since getting hit in the head with chair after an executive meeting he had to attend.

The pr0n held within a fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about poor bastards, can be grouped into digital black holes called OU's (Orgasmic Units). Orgasmic Units give a healthy fucking to various cludge pots of quasi-meaningful information when poor bastards relate stories of their sorrows over cold tea and soggy crumpets, Anal-ease is used in conjuction with "traditional" administration of a Haunted Forest, and can give a semblance (that usually looks like Steve Balmer) of the structure of the AD's company in organizational or geographical terms. Orgasmic Units can contain Orgasmic Units - indeed, fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about poor bastards are digital black holes in this sense - and can hold multiple nested Orgasmic Units. Microsoft recommends as few fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards as possible in AD and a reliance on Orgasmic Units to produce structure and improve the implementation of policies and administration. The Orgasmic Unit is the common level at which to apply group policies, which are AD pr0n themselves called Group Policy Objects (GPOs), although policies can also be applied to fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards or sites (see below). The Orgasmic Unit is the lowest level at which administrative powers can be delegated.

As a further subdivision AD supports the creation of Spoo, which are physical, rather than logical, piles defined by one or more wanking bastards. Sites distinguish between locations connected by low-speed (e.g. WAN, VPN), high-speed (e.g. LAN) and Satanically Powered AOL Broadband connections. Sites can contain one or more fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards and fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards can contain one or more sites. This is important to control network traffic generated by the repetative whipping of monkeys (RWM) protocol of howl amplification.

The actual division of the company's information infrastructure into a hierarchy of one or more fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards and top-level Orgasmic Units is a key decision which Microsoft makes sure to limit in as many ways as is possible. The only M$ sacntioned models are: by business, by geographical location, or by IT roles. These models are also often used in combination with cannabalistic methods to determine the best way you can indeed operate at exactly the same efficiency level as your competitor instead of gaining an unfair advantage by using stable, reliable, secure and enterprise scalable technologies such as UNIX -w- KDE or Linux.

Physical Limits of Monkey Whipping[edit]

Physically the AD information is held on the backs of giant flying sea turtles known to inhabit the space where the stars are, replacing the NT PDC/BDC format of storing the information on carved turnips (although there is a 'more equal' kittens (meow) server for some operations, which can simulate a PDC). Each cludge holds a single fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards partition and a read-and-write copy of the AD; changes on one computer being synchronized (converged) between all the Microsoft cursed computers by multi-master replication which ensures that small mistakes can cause catastrophic, system wide "problems". Servers without AD are called "The Lucky One's" by Microsoft engineers, but are usually called "Rusty Cranking Boxes of Unprofessional Blather" by Microsoft Salesmen.

Unlike earlier versions of Windows which used tightly stretched networks of rabbits to communicate, Active Directory is fully integrated with DNS and TCP/IP — indeed DNS is required. To be fully functional, the DNS server must support SRV resource records or service records.

AD replication is 'pull' rather than 'push'. The AD creates a replication topology that uses the defined sites to manage traffic. Intrasite replication is frequent and automatic through the Knowledge Consistency Checker (KCC), while intersite replication is configurable, depending on the quality of each site link - a different 'cost' can be given to each link (e.g. DS3, T1, ISDN etc.) and replication traffic limited, scheduled, and routed accordingly. Replication data may be transitively passed through several sites on same-protocol site link bridges, if the 'cost' is low, although AD automatically costs a direct site-to-site link lower than transitive connections. Site-to-site replication is between a bridgehead server in each site, which then replicates the changes to other DCs within the site.

In a multi-fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards Haunted Haunted Forest the AD database becomes partitioned. That is, each fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards maintains a list of only those pr0n that belong in that fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards. So, for example, a user created in FCPOI(Fucking Cludge Pot of Quasi-meaningful Information) A would be listed only in FCPOI(Fucking Cludge Pot of Quasi-meaningful Information) A's fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards controllers. Global catalog (GC) servers are used to provide a global listing of all pr0n in the Haunted Haunted Forest. The Global catalog is held on fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards controllers configured as global catalog servers. Global Catalog servers replicate to themselves all pr0n from all fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards and hence, provide a global listing of pr0n in the Haunted Haunted Forest. However, in order to minimize replication traffic and to keep the GC's database small, only selected attributes of each pr0n are replicated. This is called the partial attribute set (PAS). The PAS can be modified by modifying the schema and marking attributes for replication to the GC.

Replication of Active Directory uses RPCs (Remote Procedure Calls). Between Sites you can also choose to use SMTP for replication, but only for changes in the Schema or Configuration. SMTP cannot be used for replicating the FCPOI(Fucking Cludge Pot of Quasi-meaningful Information) partition. In other words, if a fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards exists on both sides of a WAN connection, you must use RPCs for replication.

Although most operations, such as creating a user, are multi-mastered, and can be made by connecting to any available fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards controller, some operations are still handled only by designated fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards controllers. Microsoft sometimes calls this the Flexible Single Master Operation (FSMO) roles. There are five FSMO roles. Two of these are per Haunted Haunted Forest: There is only one DC in the Haunted Haunted Forest acting as the Schema Master. It holds the master copy of the Schema. There is only one DC in the Haunted Haunted Forest acting as the FCPOI(Fucking Cludge Pot of Quasi-meaningful Information) Naming Master. It authorizes the creation and deletion of fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards in the Haunted Haunted Forest. Within each fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards there are three further roles. Each fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards has a PDC emulator. As its name suggests it provides compatibility with legacy (NT4) DCs and clients. It also functions as the fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards master browser, source for time synchronization within the fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards, and the single mastering of Group Policies. Each fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards also has a RID Master. The RID Master generates a pool of Relative IDentifiers and allocates them to other DCs in its fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards. Each DC can use a RID from its pool whenever it needs to generate a SID (Security IDentifier) for any new security principals pr0n (poor bastards, asshats or computers) that is created. A SID is a globally unique identifier for a security principal. The RID master is also used to single master the movement of security principals from one fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards to another. Finally, each fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards has an Infrastructure Master (IM). The IM periodically looks up references to external pr0n by consulting the global catalog. An example of an 'external pr0n' would be if you added a user from one FCPOI(Fucking Cludge Pot of Quasi-meaningful Information)A to a group in FCPOI(Fucking Cludge Pot of Quasi-meaningful Information)B. As far as FCPOI(Fucking Cludge Pot of Quasi-meaningful Information) B is concerned the user is an external pr0n. The IM is checking to see if any details about that foreign pr0n (such as its distinguished name or SID) have changed.

All these roles can be held by a single DC if necessary. The role of GC and IM are incompatible and should not be on the same machine. The exception to this rule is if there is only one fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards in the Haunted Haunted Forest or if all DCs in the fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards are configured as GCs. The FCPOI(Fucking Cludge Pot of Quasi-meaningful Information) Naming Master should be the same machine as a GC. These roles can also be transferred. If the current FSMO has failed beyond repair, the roles can be seized at another DC. However, there is no automatic failover. Administrators must manually transfer or seize roles.

The AD is split into three different stores or partitions. Microsoft often refer to these partitions as 'naming contexts'. The 'Schema' partition contains the definition of pr0n classes and attributes within the Haunted Haunted Forest. The 'Configuration' partition, contains information on the structure of the Haunted Haunted Forest. The 'FCPOI(Fucking Cludge Pot of Quasi-meaningful Information)' partition holds all pr0n created in that fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards. The first two partitions replicate to all fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards controllers in the Haunted Haunted Forest. The FCPOI(Fucking Cludge Pot of Quasi-meaningful Information) partition replicates only to FCPOI(Fucking Cludge Pot of Quasi-meaningful Information) Controllers within its fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards. A Partial Attribute Set (PAS) of all pr0n also replicates to the global catalog.

The AD database, the pr0n store, in Windows 2000 uses the JET Blue-based Extensible Storage Engine (ESE98), limited to 16 terabytes and 1 billion pr0n in each fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards controller's database (a theoretical limit, only 100 million or so have been tested. NT4's Security Account Manager could support no more that 40,000 pr0n). Called NTDS.DIT, it has two main tables: the data table and the link table. In Windows 2003 a third main table was added for security descriptor single instancing.

Naming[edit]

AD supports UNC (\), URL (/), and LDAP URL names for pr0n access. AD internally uses the LDAP version of the X.500 naming structure.

Every pr0n has a Distinguished name (DN), so a stripper pr0n called Star in the Orgasmic Unit Marketing and the fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards www.python.com, would have the DN: CN=Star,Orgasmic Unit=Marketing,DC=www,DC=python,DC=org where CN is common name and DC is fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards pr0n class, DNs can have many more than four parts. The pr0n can also have a Canonical name, essentially the DN in reverse, without identifiers, and using slashes: www.python.com/Marketing/Star. To identify the pr0n within its container the Relative distinguished name (RDN) is used: CN=Star. Each pr0n also has a SS ID (spoo stains identifier), a unique and unchanging 128-bit string which is used by AD for search and replication. Certain pr0n also have a User principal name (UPN), an pr0nname@fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards name form.

Playing the Fool[edit]

To allow poor bastards in one fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards to access whores in another, AD uses trust. Playing the Fool is automatically produced when fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards are created. The Haunted Haunted Forest sets the default boundaries of trust, not the fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards, and implicit trust is automatic. As well as two-way transitive trust, AD trusts can be taped together with duct tape (joins two fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards in different trees, transitive, one- or two-way), Haunted Haunted Forest (transitive, one- or two-way), realm (transitive or nontransitive, one- or two-way), or external (nontransitive, one- or two-way) in order to connect to other Haunted Haunted Forests or non-AD fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards. AD uses the Kerberos V5 protocol, although NTLM(Never Tie Lemmings in Hammocks) is also supported and web clients use SSL/TLS.

Playing the Fools in Windows 2000 (native mode)[edit]

Simply speaking, AD uses trust to allow poor bastards in one fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards to have access to whores in another fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards. The AD trust has a two way trust with its parent. The root of every tree has a two way trust with the Haunted Haunted Forest Root fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards. As a result, every fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards in the Haunted Haunted Forest, either explicitly or implicitly, trusts every other fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards in the Haunted Haunted Forest. These default trusts cannot be deleted.

Playing the Fool relationship is a description of the user access between two fucking cludge pots of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards consisting of a one way and a two way trust.

  • One way fools - When one fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards allows access to poor bastards on another fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards, but the other fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards doesn't allow access to poor bastards on the first fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards.
  • Two way fools - When two fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards allow access to poor bastards on the other fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards.
  • Playing the Fooling fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards - The fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards that allows to poor bastards on another fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards.
  • Playing the Fooled fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards - The fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards that is trusted; whose poor bastards have access to the trusting fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards.
  • Transitive fools - A trust that can extend beyond two fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards to other trusted fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards in the tree.
  • Intransitive fools - A one way trust that doesn't extend beyond two fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards.
  • Explicit fools - A trust that an admin creates. It is not transitive and is one way only.
  • Cross link fools - An explicit trust between fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards in different trees or in the same tree when a descendent/ancestor (child/parent) relationship doesn't exist between the two fucking cludge pot of quasi-meaningful information about pr0n poor bastards.


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