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Typical Actuaries.
For those without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia have an article about Actuary.

An Actuary is generally believed to be the intellectual elite of the business world. Just ask one and they will confirm this. They use their brilliant abilities in mathematics, statistics, economics, finance and problem solving to tackle different problems and give simple solutions. The actuarial profession has been rated as the best job the last 5 years according to Actuarial Weekly. All those surveyed were Actuaries. Coming in last place was Accountant. It is generally believed that in order to qualify as an Actuary you must pass a series of about 15 rigorous exams that have been designed to ensure only the biggest geeks with no social life can qualify.

TV SHOWS/MOVIES: where the word actuary has been mentioned and you have thought what the [email protected]! is that?[edit]

  • Ugly Betty "We have a bowling team called the debitz, with a z, the z scares the Actuaries"
  • About Schmidt "He was an actuary before he retired"
  • Along Came Polly "Reuben Feffer (Ben Stiller) is an Actuary"
  • Stranger than fiction "I had a girlfriend, she left me for an actuary"

What does an Actuary actually do?[edit]

They Actuarialate. The word actuary is difficult for most to say, making actuaries seem smart for even having the mental ability to pronounce such a tongue twister. That's why actuaries say they studied actuarial science, an even harder word to say, making them sound like geniuses for doing such a crazy degree.

That's why if you were to ask an actuary what they do, they would reply: "Actuarialating, which is simply a series of actuarialations that prove the null hypothesis is abstractly absurd to the alternative, alternatively altering estimations of the estimate to best fit the null, not in any accordance with null spaces unless we are dealing with actual actuarial vector spaces in which the basis of being an actuary fits in with the axioms of the subspace. I know, I know it sounds difficult, but it's not for me. I am actually an actuary."

What does Actuarialating consist of and is it even a word?[edit]

  • Yes, it's a word. Look it up in any actuarial dictionary, and you will find it right after Actuarial
  • Lots and lots and lots and lots of Math, eg. Projecting their Vectors into Subspaces
  • Advise on investments. eg. Ask an actuary which stock will go up, then if it does you make money. If it does not sue him/her for giving you the wrong advice. Win-win for you, and don't feel bad. Actuaries are loaded (Just ask one they will confirm this).
  • Sign important pieces of paper. eg. Whether or not an insurance company has enough money to pay out all its claims. Actuaries never make mistakes because they are all so so so smat smart. cough HIH collapsed due to wrongful estimation by their actuaries cough...wait...other people cant do any better...

How to become an Actuary?[edit]

Becoming an Actuary is a long and grueling process where only 8% of those who start go on to complete and be certified. This is because the Socitety of Actuaries who determine what it takes to become an Actuary have worked out with their economical brilliance that price is where supply meets demand. So if they cut the supply of Actuaries right down to pi per year they can earn lots of moola.

Depending on which country one chooses to study in and at which profesional body you which to sign with, it's a terrible procedure becomming an actuary. Few people who are actuaries actually know what actuaries do. You study your ass off, fail, study some more, fail and eventually drop to accounting science or computer science or to a bachelors in the electric jazz triangle. Despite what people will tell you or what you may believe, most actuaries hate accountants because accounting is everyone's fall-back plan. Before a potential actuarial student decides to major in stats, economics and math, they all considered becoming a CPA. So you pass a couple of modules, you retake the rest and boom, eventually you are stuck writing your qualifying exams.

If one goes to a university, you probably won't see any actuarial science students ambling about. These are the people who will skive off a stats lecture to study stats. These are the people who can't have a conversation with you without slipping the words "confidence interval", "integrating factor", "moral hazard" or "chi-squared" into EVERY sentence. They generally get together in basements at three fifteen in the morning and read math poetry.

Steps you must complete to become an Actuary:

  • Count to infinity not once, not twice but thrice.
  • Learn the last digit of pi.
  • Integrate where u=. (hint: convert to polar coordinates)
  • Become old Be Old ().
  • Calculate the difference between 0.99999 reoccurring and 1 as a fraction with real numbers
  • Have Grey Hair.
  • Become Senile.
  • Divide by 0

How much do actuaries earn?[edit]

Nobody really knows the answer to this question except for actuaries themselves as they know everything (Just ask one this). Some people speculate upwards of $200 000 - $300,000 per annum, but because of the long rivalry between actuaries and accountants, actuaries refuse to lodge tax returns in case accountants learn of their true remuneration and attempt to become an actuary, throwing out the actuarial balance of supply and demand.

Engineers vs. Actuaries[edit]

It is a common fact that Engineers and Actuaries have been at war for many years. It is unclear which party is currently winning the war. It is also unclear why the war was started in the first place, and what they are fighting about. Nevertheless, the Actuaries still continue to baffle engineers with crazy mathematical proofs to the 285'th decimal point (the main weapon of the Actuary). In defense, Engineers just round the numbers provided by the Actuaries to the nearest million. The duration of this war has been in dispute by both sides - Actuaries insist it started a couple of thousand years and 23.387223786261 seconds ago, while engineers insists it started a 1000 years ago (give or take a couple of millenia).

Also, actuaries are in general much better looking than engineering. This is not math or stats related, so Actuaries don't mind.


Actuaries are smarter than accountants. It is a simple fact (Just ask any Actuary). Hundreds of thousands of new accountants go into the work place every year looking for jobs. This creates a huge supply for a much slower growing demand, forcing Accountants wages down into the dirt where they belong. Actuaries make it so hard to become an Actuary that the demand for Actuaries overwhelmingly exceeds the supply pushing up their wages into the heavens where they belong. A newly qualified accountant earns less than $30 000 per year where a newly qualified Actuary earns over $100 000 a year, hence why actuaries are at least 3 times better than accountants. This annoys accountants, who point out the difference between God and an Actuary is that God doesn't think He is an actuary.

What Actuaries actually believe in[edit]

                                     (Just ask one they will concur on this).

Common Facts about Actuaries.[edit]

  • They love to categorize things (for proof see below)
  • They are old
  • They think know they are better than accountants
  • They work for big evil corporations
  • They enjoy theme parks and rollercoasters
  • They love the number 5318008 and tend to be ugly
  • They use magic mathemagic
  • They are not particularly fond of peppadews

See also[edit]