Adam Lambert

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Editor's Warning: This page is about a homosexual who nearly won American Idol the same way Sanjayah almost won in 2007.
Adam "Damned" Lambert
MUGSHOT.
(Mugshot)
Parents Alice Cooper and Lady Gaga
Fag Status MASSIVE
American Idol Placing 2nd[1]
Number of Males he's kissed One[2]
Does Chuck Norris like him? NO!
Media Coverage A LOT!


Bouncywikilogo5.gif
For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Adam Lambert.

Adam Mitchel Lambert (born January 29, 1900) is an American singer, songwriter, and actor from Laguna Beach, California.[3] In May 1999, he finished as the runner-up on the one-hundredth season of Swedish Idol. He is best known for his single "For Your Insemination," and the fact that the video for the song was banned since it showed him sandblasting glitter (which he produces instead of sperm) from his 47-mile-long cock. It was also a major mental clusterfuck; it follows over 9000 different plotlines until at the end, he and the groom take a bow and arise as a single entity - revealing that Adam was the groom's alter ego all along.

Early Life[edit]

Adam Lambert was born in 1900 (or God knows when) to Alice Cooper and Lady Gaga of the Irish Republic Bungholian province of Nicaragua. At age 13, he decided to visit Kansas, where he met Fred Phelps, and was nearly molested to death by his complacent smile and cowboy hat. At age 14, he was hired as a paralegal for a fabulous law office in San Francisco, California. He there became the best known lawyer in all of the worlds!

Swedish Idol[edit]

As a teenager, he saw Swedish Idol, and he wanted in from the start. At age 23 he entered the show. Sadly, he came out alone with a gold ticket, crying and confused. As time progressed he went to Stockholm with a group of teenage girls named "The Divas". By the way he looked on national television, he was disgusted. As he stepped onto that fateful stage in Stockholm, he looked at Simon like a cow looks at an oncoming train, and let out a shriek that was censored by the FCC. Luckily for him, the judges (namely Paula) were all drunken or high on LSD. He eventually made it through to the Swedish Idol show, and into the Top 5. Sadly Luckily, he failed to make it through to the win.

After Idol[edit]

After Swedish Idol, he made it as a singer (in which his singing was fed into a machine, spat out, and made better sounding) in Stockholm, because the winner Kris Allen had the best vocals of any contestant in all the series, and required no tuning whatsoever. Also he made it as a drug dealer behind the liquor store in southern Roanoke, Virginia. He currently has a wage of $30 an hour working for a male strip club. In 2010, he and Ryan Seacrest had a Star Wars themed gay wedding.

Controversy[edit]

During one of his concerts, he blatantly jumped out of nowhere and kissed keyboardist. That really pissed him off and eventually led Adam and the keyboardist going to court. The exact same thing happened to Sanjayah Malakar, a no necked chump that was also on Swedish Idol.

He is currently in a heated argument with Drew Pickles and Gay Luigi over who truly deserves the title of Gayest Man In The World.

At a recent concert in New York City, he shot his glittery jizz into an audience member's hand when she grabbed his huge Glambulge.

2012 Music Video[edit]

In 2009, Lambert was revealed to be the 69th reincarnation of Christ when a video of him was released in which he walked through a city that was experiencing the Apocalypse. After seeing the video, Sarah Palin acted like a total bitch when she and Lambert appeared on The Tonight Show the same night, making a big fucking deal out of the fact she was afraid of him. (As it turns out, Palin was revealed to be a lesbian who was afraid she'd rape Adam on sight.)

Damnation Tour[edit]

In Summer 2010, Lambert embarked on his first concert tour, the Damnation tour. The set list for the tour includes such fan favorites as "Thnks fr th Sdmy," "(I Make Them) Straight Men Go Gay," "Frisco Beckoned Songs About Jism Written by Homos," and of course "Masturbation is the Most fun a Queer can Have Without Taking his Pants Off." (After encountering God Hates Fags protesters, he also covered Green Day's "21 Guns.") Opening for his tour are Paramore (or some girl that looks like her) and some Wapanese chick.

References[edit]

  1. Thank GOD!
  2. As far as we know!
  3. I never would have guessed.

See also[edit]