Adam Sedgwick

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Adam Sedgwick was an eminent British geologist. He is now dead, but no one has noticed.

The Life of Adam Sedgwick[edit]

Adam Sedgwick was born sometime in the late 1700s in Yorkshire, where records from the time are scarce. He is known to have gone to school rather than down t'mill, where he quickly achieved infamy for the amount of graffiti he would do, most notably on the side of the school chapel. Following graduation from his school, he stumbled upon the city of Cambridge while drunk on wine, where being rather a narcissist decided to build a museum there bearing his name.

At the tender, not to say virginal, age of 19 Adam was elected into the acclaimed Royal Society as chief geologist. His election hinged on his ability to out-drink every other geologist of the day. Professor Lykbottie, PhD Oxford, claims this was in part due to his enormous liver -- the organ weighed 50 pounds at the time of Sedgewick's death. The liver was preserved is now kept in the Museum of Abnormal Organs in Venice. A contributing factor to his capacity for drink was his mastering of the tactical chunder, which he practised for several hours a day as a young tyke.

His mother once said young Sedgie could puke on a pigeon from a distance of fifty paces.

Professor Sedgewick spent his life attempting to fill the museum with fossil trilobites and ammonites, with his well publicised aim being to "own every dead thing in the world". This obsession led to several confrontations with the police in local cemeteries, after which Adam agreed to concentrate on animals which had died at least a million years before present.

Unfortunately before he could fulfill his lifes' work, Adam Sedgwick himself died, aged 103. A resin cast of his bones stands in the entrance to the Sedgwick Museum to this day, after the actual bones were stolen by an Austrian nun who claimed she was his "größter Bewunderer".

Sedgewick's real bones now on display in Germany, in a small tavern called Nun's Rest. They are nailed over the door to the WC.

Important works[edit]

In 1834 Adam Sedgwick invented rock. This was a breakthrough. His goal was to make the game "paper, scissors" less one sided and more interesting for spectators, but 150 years later his invention spawned the horrors of Rock 'n Roll. Sedgwick would have turned over in his grave had he not been nailed to a wall in Germany.

Finding the rock brand to be a great success, Adam cashed in on this by inventing in quick succession the rock cycle, rocky road, The Rock, beer (the geologist's staple foodstuff), rock candy, and rock juice, which was later remarketed by Al Gore as absinthe.

He trained Charles Darwin in the art of geology, which involved three or four weekly lectures (or "lock-ins") in a local public house where the young Charles learnt everything there was to know about consuming alcohol. These three years of drinking with Adam Sedgwick is thought to be a contributing factor to the creation of the whacked-out theory of evolution which he later came up with.

The Father of British Geology?[edit]

Adam Sedgwick is said to be the "father of British geology" due to his high profile promiscuity and legions of offspring. He has been romantically linked to Marilyn Monroe, Marilyn Manson, Audrey Hepburn and Queen Elizabeth I to name a few, and is known to have at least twelve children with paternity tests pending on countless more. He is also thought to be the great-grandfather of Dan McKenzie and in some way related to Kermit the frog.

The Sedgwick Club was set up in Cambridge University for all those related to Adam. Membership has been growing exponentially over the past few years with the availability of cheap DNA tests.