Adidas

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Adidas.

“Who wears a hat from Adidas
And shaves his face with razors Chics
Can make a date with every girl
And maybe even boy if needs!”

~ Anonymous on Adidas

Early Competition With Nike[edit]

Adidas couldn't compete directly with Nike's slave labour facilities, and resorted to selling to niche markets. Unfortunately, their biggest niche markets, ancient Greeks and the Ottoman Empire, were long dead, and had no need for shoes. Profits dwindled, and Adidas filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy.

Adidas and the Nike Revolution of 2006[edit]

As the USA was torn asunder in the Nike revolution, Adidas knew they must defeat their enemy, and defeat them yesterday. Failed attempts to destroy Nike with WMDs purchased from Saddam Hussein drove the company's CEO into despondency. Adidas cloned the perfect pretty-boy, Alan White, pooled their remaining resources, drove to Walgreen's, bought a Jiffy-Quik Time Pod 4000, and sent him back in time to swing profit margins and preteen girls in favor of Adidas. This move proved unsuccessful, as Alan White joined Oasis, who spent Adidas' money even more quickly.

This, of course, caused a time paradox, as future-Adidas no longer had the money to send Alan White back in the past.