Adjectives Not Used to Describe God
Your God may be an awesome God, a mighty God, even a loving God. But throughout all religions of the world, there are certain adjectives that just aren't used to describe God. For argument's sake, we'll focus on the Christian God, since he's the only true God out there ever since he killed Allah in a drive-by shooting in 1956. (Relax, Mother Nature grounded, de-Powered, and spanked him but good for this, and made him apologize to Allah, who promptly smote God back. The two pseudo-deities then began to fight, rolling around on the floor, pulling each other's hair, biting ears, and scratching at each others eyes. Just then, Big Brother Buddha came home, and sat on them while Mom explained how life worked, and pointed out for the umpteenth time that deep down they were all the same. Literally. Except for Her. She can create and maintain a whole universe by Will Power alone, whilst God and Allah friggin' working together, STILL managed to lose control of a single, piddly, stinkin', planet. But I digress, so now back to the adjectives thingy...)
A Silly List
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What are these adjectives, and why don't they describe your Lord Almighty? Here's why!
- Accountable: Tony Blair and George Bush and Osama Bin Laden are accountable to God - who is God accountable to? No one.
- Action packed: Leave the action to Bruce Willis movies, God would rather relax in the Almighty Living Room watching the Almighty Television.
- Blingin': God does not actually like hip-hop culture. He actually doesn't like any form of music that's come out since 1972. Well, except for the Divinyls.
- Cheesy: God is not made out of cheese, but His angels are.
- Copious: God wants you to leave this word to your porn magazines and never again compare Him to the load that Ron Jeremy sprayed on Jenna Jameson in Big Cock Guzzlers 19.
- Dietary: What are you saying? God is fat?
- Effeminate: God hates fags. This is because God is a big, burly, brawny God (Old Testament only).
- Fatherly: God never actually met His own biological son until he was 33 years old and dead. Despite all of their catch-up time since, Jesus still complains about his father's emotional distance to his therapist.
- Finger-Licking Good: God is not delicious, believe me, I've tried him.
- Fishy: There is nothing suspicious about God. God is hiding nothing from you. Except for the future. And irrefutable proof of His existence. But that's why they call it 'faith'.
- Forgiving: God's no pussy. When you mess with God, He smites your sorry ass. None of this bogus "deliverance" stuff.
- Gassy: God doesn't fart. He doesn't burp, either. He doesn't even breathe.
- Godly: Now you're just being silly and redundant.
- Industrial: God prefers the smooth sounds of Eric Clapton to gothic industrial music any day (Although He is a bit of a raver).
- Inebriated: God has been steadily drinking alcohol since before time was invented. As a matter of fact, on the first day, God created Jack Daniels and downed several bottles before even beginning on the universe. Despite over 50,000 years of steady drinking, the Lord can still walk in a straight line (Although this claim has been disputed, since if God says he walked in a straight line, then that line was frickin' straight).
- Insecure: Except for that thing about The Official List of the Best Things in Existence, God is very confident in His omnipotence.
- Jolly: Santa Claus is jolly. Santa also stole Christmas from His Son. Therefore, Santa is now being tortured for all eternity. That's what jollyness gets you.
- Lovelorn: God could get any girl He wanted. He just. . . Doesn't want to. Perhaps God likes men, so does that make him gay? But God hates fags, so does God hate himself? Or maybe God is a girl. Sweet.
- Malodourous: God smells like unicorns eating daffodils on a sunny day.
- Mean: God isn't mean! He's just lazy.
- Naughty: Let the record show that God's mother has never sent Him to His room, because He is perfectly behaved, all the time. Sodom and Gommorah were merely a cry for help.
- Omnipotent: Not even God can create an object too large for Him to lift.
- Open minded: Yes, God loves all people. Still doesn't mean that He's afraid to send them to Hell for violating His rules.
- Petulant: This is utter nonsense: God isn't made out of a plant, so He can't have petals!
- Phlegmatic: God has never caught a cold. That's why He's God: A perfect immune system.
- Picky: God will let anyone live in eternal bliss with him in Hosannah on high, as long as they repent of their sins before they die, like Jeffrey Dahmer.
- Popular: Oh sure, God may be a big hit in your youth group, but ask an atheist what they think of God. They're not fooled by God's good grades, His trendy clothes, or the fact that He's dating the most beautiful girl in school.
- Punctual: The original plans for the creation of the universe called for everything in existence to be made in 4 days. God took 6, and then took a nap.
- Rectangular: God has no shape! (Except god-shaped)
- Sassy: God takes no lip from no one!
- Sexy: He knows you're just a gold digger so don't even try.
- Slight: God is well-known to be the largest person to not walk the earth and therefore should not be called slight. So there.
- Snarky: God is not snarky. He hates this word and all the hipster assholes who use it are going to Hell. Use 'sarcastic' instead, like His chosen people should.
- Sorry: Sorry!? God doesn't need to be sorry! He's 'all powerful'!
- Teutonic: God is from Sweden, and He hates the German people.
- Touchy: He prefers the term 'sensitive'.
- Twenty-four/seven: Sure, God is always there for you, in theory. He just hates it when 'hip' youth pastors say that he's "there for ya, 24/7 365 no matter what, know what I'm sayin' kids?"
- Virulent: God washes Himself daily with antibacterial soap. Besides, there are no germs in Heaven, everyone knows that!
- Worrisome: God knows where everyone is. Even you. He even knows what you're thinking. He doesn't need to worry when He already knows that you're in for some unpleasantness in the next few days.
- Worcestershire Sauce: This is not an adjective. God has nothing against Worcestershire Sauce, it's just not an adjective, so don't use it as such.
- Yellow: God does not have a color. Except, of course, for white. Which is the color representing death in Chinese culture. But God doesn't like Chinese Food, therefore, China will burn.
- Zealous: God is actually quite apathetic to the whole factioning-of-the-religions deal. Just as long as you love Him and obey Him in the way He prescribed, He's cool with you.
This list is here to complement and complete its sister list given above in an effort to provide people with the correct vocabularly when speaking about the Man Upstairs.
- Adept: He has handled such varied jobs as engineer, geologist, construction worker, linguist, executioner, demolitionist, teacher, biologist, breeder, comedian, pimp, and king with the greatest of ease.
- Almighty: So much so that oftentimes He goes by this.
- Bodacious: When speaking about God, it is important to encapsulate as many qualities as possible in a single utterance, and this word (a combination of "bold" and "audacious") seems particularly Godlike.
- Celeritous: This is a snobby word that means He's fast. It can also mean He resembles a thin, green vegetable, but no one would seriously use it that way.
- Dapper: He dresses like a fiend, just watch Bruce Almighty.
- Experimental: He hasn't quite gotten evolution to work quite yet, which is why humans still have organs we don't use (like our brains).
- Fit: Oh yeah, he is well fit. Trouble is, His workouts last so long and involve Him so completely that He neglects His job. Witness the several Dark Ages humanity has endured. Fortunately the sessions are infrequent, He being God; we just have to wait it out.
- Funny: Although not everyone (i.e., Job) thinks so.
- Heuristic: Another snobby word, this one means He fancies trial and error in his experiments (see above).
- Hip: He's God...whatever he does, it's hip.
- High: As in, literally, in the sky. He assures us that He hasn't done "THAT" since his college days.
- Jewish: Anyone who has read the Old Testament can tell you that.
- Just: Odds are, if He smites you, you somehow deserve it. You just can't comprehend it.
- Moody: His mood swings are the stuff of legend.
- Photogenic: He's been in more films than you've had hot dinners.
- Pizzazz: As in, full of.
- Trend-setting: Just ask Abraham, Jesus, and Muhammad about this one.
- Triumphant: Read Revelation, man...He always wins.
- Vengeful: Yes, certainly. He may be just, but that doesn't mean He doesn't have fun.