The Aeneid

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Virgil spent ten good years of his life working on the Illiad. Here he is shown after a fight with a rabid nose eating demon which cost him his right nostril.
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The Aeneid is an epic haiku poem written by the famous Roman writer Virgil. It sucks big style. It was originally published as a companion book to the Odyssey, the story of The Trojan War (in other words he was a copy cat). It is about an ancient bum named Aeneas, who sets out to found Nathan's after being given a sausage by the fleeing king of Troy. It is one of the longest single sets of Haiku poems outside of the emo universe. The outside part gives it respect among modern classics scholars, since even English majors reject that genre.

The Beginning of the Story[edit]

Chronologically, The Aeneid starts with the destruction of the city of Troy, now believed to be a suburb of Philadelphia, in the year 1275 BC. The royalty and intellectual class were "outsourced" to various 27 bedroom "sweatshops" in the French Riviera since they were rich snobby types. The rabble was in charge of the city, and they promptly began to snatch away wives of assorted kings, just for the hell of it. They took the wife of Menelaus of the bleach-blonde-hair, a king of Greece, and Agamemnon's brother, which was, in retrospect, not a very smooth move. Agamemnon assembled the offended kings and joined them together in a band called the Stupid Unqualified and Cowardly Kings of Eurasia and Russia, or SUCKER for short. This story is told in the epic limerick The Illiad.

The SUCKERs, after ten years of siege on the fun loving city of Troy, largely due to Achilles' having a hissy fit and locking himself in his room, refusing to fight, realised they hadn't really made any headway and were open to any suggestions. A few of the kings sat round the fire one night and Odysseus, stoned out of his mind, decided it would be really trippy to build a 'fuck-off hollow horse made of wood' for shits and giggles. The other leaders, on their way to being rather monged themselves, thought it a wonderful idea and when it had been built, went in and hot-boxed it. After a hard night of drinking, the moronic populace of the city saw the horse and decided to drag it in, because it looked cool. The kings leapt out and began to party with the people, but then torched the city when no one was looking:

Hey you guys, I've got gas/ Lets put this torch up to my ass/ I'll let one rip/ We'll take a dip/ And this city'll soon burn its last

In the confusion, Aeneas, the hero of our Haiku story, goes to steal some meager food from the feast. He is handed a hot dog with a spell to Simon, the god of Pork, inscribed on its fatty side. This spell bestowed the destiny of the founder of Nathan's, and his eternal favor, on him.


Plot[edit]

On the west caost of Turkey, born and raised, In the palace is where i spent most of my days. Chillin' all maxin' relaxin' all free and all, Racing some boats on the Aegean sea

When a couple of Greeks, who were up to no good, got a Trojan horse into my neibourhood. I was fighting for my life when the Gods sent me to go with my family to found a city.

I waved for a boat off the coast of Turkey Every one smelt like rotten fish from the sea. I didn't even know who the captain would be But i though: Nah, forget it, let's found that city!

I pulled up around about the ninth hour and i yelled to the captain "Yo home, take a shower!" Looked at the city, i was so far from home sittin' on my throne as the King of Rome.


Starting the Company[edit]

Aeneas was promptly denied the money he needed to start a hot dog store when the venture capital company heard his ingredients.

Being a bum, Aeneas needed money to start his heart disease factory. He went to the local venture capitalists and begged them for some funding, but the idea of ground something did not necessarily appeal to the investment bankers, and they were immediately repulsed and disgusted. He needed to to find another source of money. He first travels to a woman by the name of Dildo, who lived the huge mansion in California known as the House of Ill Repute (now called Playboy Mansion). She promised to give him money, which was a blatant reversal of her trade. She was evicted from her mansion and sent to be eaten by a grue.

This left Aeneas with more of a need for money. His credit was awful and he was constantly bombarded with advertisements for cheap car loans. He hitch-hiked his way to Nevada, the only state where he could sell his ware because vomiting in public was still legal there. He was forced to start small, in front of the local crack house, and then moved up into the stratosphere of the hotdog business. He now owns stores in all of the fifty states, Legoland, and all nine rings of Hell.

Recent Developments[edit]

The FDA has Subpoenaed the recipe to the infamous feces dog hotdog, much to the dismay of Nathan's shareholders, who include Ronald McDonald, Oprah, and other agents of evil. Aeneas, who is now kept alive using advanced cryogenic deep fry machines, came out of his Central Pacific lair to hold a press conference, where he declared that Carthage must be Destroyed and that Gengis Khan is an excellent leader, thanyouverymuch. His PR manager then came and told him about the issue at hand, to which he replied "ORLY?" and went back to sleep.

See also[edit]