Affirmative action

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An affirmative action is an action taken to affirm something - in particular, one's entrance into a University. Affirmative actions are most often used to get into a University by White people (in fact, 72% of white college students got into their school by way of an affirmative action). Other races typically use other processes, including Mensa, Baptist Jihad, hockey, and the DMV to get into universities. I other words it is a way to get stupid nigs into college. Nigs should only be allowed in TTT schools.

The Reverend: Jesse Jackson

Components of a successful affirmative action[edit]

To execute a successful affirmative action, one must

  • Be white (with a massive penis)
  • Be at least 35 years old
  • Not live in Kansas
  • Be a Man (or at least posses a weiner)
  • Not know what BAMN is (as they are a militant church group that HATES affirmative actions, and any connection to them would make a successful affirmative action impossible).

Once you have fulfilled these requirements, performing an affirmative action is simple - just go to a University (not the University of Michigan anymore, since MCRI made affirmative action punishable by DEATH in Michigan). Once there, run into the nearest lecture hall during a class - when the professor asks a question to the class, RAISE YOUR HAND and immediately yell - "I'm Performing an Affirmative Action under Section 502 of the Marshall Plan". The professor will immediately know what you meant and will direct you to the Affirmative-action Declaration Handling Dept (ADHD).

Once at the ADHD, one will be required to perform a series of tests. First, you will be asked to describe what a vacation to Afghanistan would be like using pictograms. Then, you will be required to look at a series of pictures and select which one is a member of the IRA. After completing these tasks, you will be required to look at two photographs and identify - which one is the President of said University, and which one is Hitler.

If you get this question right, you will then be taken out of the ADHD and to the President of the University's house, where your tasks will be as follows:

  • Find the hidden pygmy goats in the yard
  • Manage to get in, take the secret stach of AK-47's and get out without anyone noticing
  • Dig for gold indoors
  • Go spear fishing in the toilet

After completing these tasks, one advances to the final stage of Performing An Affirmative Action: the Dance Dance Revolution Marathon. All people executing affirmative actions must complete the Dance Dance Revolution Marathon - it's the toughest part of the execution, and many people fail at this point. The rules of the DDR Marathon are as follows - play Dance Dance Revolution for hours on end, until you can't keep playing anymore. As your performance in the DDR Marathon has a HUGE effect on your ability to get into the university, it is advisable to drink lots of clear liquids and listen to lots of Metallica before competing. Also, studying the Konami Code can help a lot if done before you perform the affirmative action.

After you have finished the DDR Marathon, the final requirement is that you steal a rental car from a Hertz rental car outlet (only Hertz will do) and race it to the closest neighboring state and back without being caught in the quickest possible time. This race-based policy is the most scrutinized and controversial part of the whole affirmative action process. It is due to the recently-passed Michigan Car Rental Initiative (MCRI) that this - and affirmative actions as a whole - can no longer be performed in the state of Michigan.

Scoring of Affirmative Actions[edit]

After a few weeks, you will receive your score via mail in XPs (experience points). Higher is better, and a score of 42 or higher typically ensures admission at all major universities (except for Utah, where you need 43.5). These XPs are also good in many MMORPGs, so if you decide not to go to college, they may help you in World of Warcraft, but not Everquest 2 due to licensing reasons.

XPs are NOT VALID in Yugoslavia, Singapore, and the Christmas Islands, however.

Legality of Affirmative Actions[edit]

The legality of Affirmative Actions varies from jurisdiction to jurisdiction. Affirmative actions used to be extremely popular in Michigan, but the Michigan Car Rental Initiative (MCRI) recently made them punishable by death by being run over by a rental car. Also, affirmative actions are not legal in Mexico - anyone who attempts to execute an affirmative action there can be SHOT ON SIGHT.