Afrikaners

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“It is true, those bitches put me in jail for 28 years... MOTHERFUCKERS!! and they killed Jesus too ”

“They killed Jesus, and I tried to stop them... but failed. ”

“Die Swartes wil jou naai... (translation: I fucked a small dog) ”

~ Siener van Rensburg

The Afrikaners or Boers or Black Dutch or Cape Coloureds are one of only 5000 white non-indigenous tribes found on the African continent. The vast majority of Boers are found in urban areas, where they beg and steal for sustenance. During Apartheid they pillaged and raped South Africa, however they are probably best known for killing the second coming of Jesus.

Origin[edit]

The Afrikaners or Boers are a confused tribe of African Europeans, descended from Khoi-san, Bushman, Greek and Dutch sailors, pirates and prostitutes. Afrikaner myth postulates that they first arrived in Africa from the small island of Europe 400 years ago, however Mormon missionaries are convinced that the Boers came from Hell. Afrikaners are also of the Germanic branch of the so-called white "Aryan" nations, to further explain their dislike for Jews, Catholics and other non-Caucasoids. The latter theory does seem to have some merit since Afrikaners insist on roasting animals over the coals. An act they call "Braaing". Normal people call it satanism.

The First Father of the Afrikaner, Oom Paul "Lion of Zion" Kruger, Pirate of the Seven Seas.

The Boers and the British (Love at first sight?)[edit]

Before the Afrikaners become Afrikaners, they called themselves Boers. It was only after the British Army invaded the Cape and destroyed the Sunwell (a source of demonic power to all Afrikaners) that the Boers vowed revenge at the British Empire. Armed with nothing but broken beer bottles, sheep testicles and pitchforks the Boers fought valiantly against the might of the British Empire.

“I stabbed that donderse red-neck in the eye with a broken beer bottle, but he still came at me. ”

~ Oom Pieter Coetzee, Boer Commando with the 7th Infantry of the Baobab Tree.

Unfortunately, after a 120 years of war, the Boers lost and Southern Africa became part of the British Empire. Decades passed, and the Boers found themselves in an ever dire situation. Convinced that their culture (particularly their satanic religion) and Boer values were at stake, Afrikaner youth rose up in the Boer Township of Nog-so-n-Lang-Naai against the teaching of English at school. Through this one religious and cultural fanatic act, the Boers managed to overthrow the British oppressors. According to Pietie Claasen from the small town of Upington "Africa was finally free of the British, except for parts of Zimbabwe, Uganda and Kenya".

The Boers renamed themselves Afrikaners, a lower Oraniac word for "White people from that god forsaken piss hole of a continent Africa". The Afrikaners having assimilated British views on race, culture, overall arrogance and perceived superiority, decided that they were actually part of the Aryan nation.

“Ja, that came as a surprise to us as well, because my great-grandmother was a black from Zululand, and now suddenly we were Nordics. I don't think we knew how to handle it except to kick the shit out of some blacks ”

~ Petrus Johannes Kobus Potgieter

A young man from the Eastern Cape named Hendrik Verwoerd shook off the dust from his loin cloth and decided that "those darker than a Baboon's bottom" should live far from the those "who were whiter than an ostrich shell". In that moment of primitive thought, the system of Apartheid was born. For the next, couple of years, the Afrikaners would pillage and rape South Africa. But worse was yet to come...

They fucking killed Jesus[edit]

It is true; they killed the second coming of Jesus Christ. Jesus "fuck yeah" Christ returned to Earth as Desmond Zwelintini Mbinickulula Zulu. Zulu Jesus was shot by Afrikaner farmers who thought that he (Jesus "H" Christ) was stealing apples from their yard. In fact, Jesus was merely taking a leisurely stroll and smoking a "phat joint".

“I might not be the brightest spark, but these ...boers... my god man... talk about ignorant ”

Post-Apartheid South Africa: The Creation of the Empire of Orania[edit]

2 seconds after the abolishment of Apartheid and slavery, 10 billion Afrikaners fled the cities to either Hell, Azeroth, Australia, Antartica, Europe, Texas, Argentina or Chile, the 10 million that remained, relocated to the interior of South Africa, and formed the "relatively" independent Empire of Orania. Under the dismal leadership of their shamanistic leader, Siener van Rensburg, the Afrikaners anxiously joined the Horde (potentially as a new playable race). Orania is best known for adopting Die Poes as a national currency.

Orania in the new century[edit]

Apartheid South Africa provided the vast majority of white South Africans access to cheap black labour, however the Oranians soon discovered that since Orania was a "whites-only" country, Oranians were thus forced to do all the "icky" jobs, blacks used to do.

“I really wish I had a black servant... cleaning toilets are (is) kak (shit)”

~ Malan Kobus Marais

A Potential Problem?[edit]

Modern African scholars agree that the Afrikaner poses a major threat to African development (especially since attempts to educate them have failed miserably). SADC representatives have remarked that "Even though it was futile to set-up special schools for Afrikaner children, one can always hope that they will rise above their current status as second class whites, and hopefully become more than just beggars, farmers or rapists".

Afrikaners and the future[edit]

Although, the future of Afrikaners in South Africa seem grim, it should be remembered that the universe is enormous. Perhaps one day, Afrikaners will find peace for themselves on their planet, somewhere far far away. (District 9 the movie should cheer them up). The current motto of the white Afrikaners (and fellow Brit blokes alike) is "on to Perth or Perish...or heck, Palmdale or perish. We're coming to America, and we're immigrants now."

Most Notable Afrikaners in History[edit]

Most unremarkable Afrikaners in History[edit]

See also[edit]

External links[edit]