Since the beginning of time, we've been getting farther away from "since the beginning of time." Oldologists, that is, those who study the patterns that arise from things and their relative position to "since the beginning of time", have long studied the act of progressing along the odd theory and make-shift party magazine of Time. To begin with, let's briefly go over some of the facts reguarding this progression along Time, or, for time reasons, the act of "Getting Old".
- As soon as you are born, your brain begins to wrinkle, as the space-time warps cause the Oscar Wilde gene in your DNA to fluxuate, causing an uncanny brain spazzum that can lead to death, or worse.
- Old folks are often dropped off on special locations on Earth's surface, known as "Time Holes", that slow up the aging process. Not only do the humans trapped in these Time Hole's stay older longer, they slowly loose control of their bodily functions, until finally there organs can't stand listening to another story about "Back in the day" and attempt to kill them from the inside.
- Rocks never get old. Therefore, a person who eats only rocks will never age.
- In science, Getting Old is the term used for when a scientist accidentally relies on the faulty Third Law of Thermodynamics while computing the directions and velocities of moving molecules. Freaking idiots.
- The symptoms of getting old are as follows: An increase in the boring molecule in your blood; the failure of your bowls to release on time; Severe cramps in parts of your body that don't exist; you are forced to use viagra in order to do anything in a normal day; Your face becomes to small for your skin; You forget to iron your pants, then you realise you aren't wearing pants.
Reasons for old
Oldologists have as of yet to pinpoint the exact cause of the Getting Old, however several notably leaps in the information about it have happened since the investigation has began in 2002
In 2002, Stephen Hawking announced that the United Nations would launch a new program to investigate the act of Getting Old, and provide funding to Oldologists. Scientists around the world watched apathitcally, while the Church proclaimed that researching was an act against Jesus.
In 2003, Sherlock Holmes was the first to discover the Oscar Wilde gene as the cause of the old. The gene would turn cells into retired cells, or "Rells", and they would in turn ooze about and talk to other cells, evantually boring them to the point of becoming a Rell themselves.
In 2004, Associate Justice Sandra Day O'Connor was found to have the first known case of "Getting Old" that could be isolated in a lab. The government has kept the project underwraps, but it is believed that a new "Old Serum" is being devolped to use in interrogations for prisoners.
In 2005, the cause of the corruption of the Oscar Wilde gene was found to be caused by waves in the air called Dothe-Waves. The Dothe waves were caused by Time, and caused the DNA to forget everything and start complaining about how nobody loved it anymore.
As of now, there is no cure for getting old. However, many organisations such as WAGO (World Against Getting Old) and the UN have launched multi-million dollar campaigns to spread the word about getting old to the public. The Church, however, claims that getting old is a direct result of Satan worshipping and homosexuals.
Cures of the common Old
While getting old is hard to get around, is it not impossible to side-step this unseemly and at often times embarrassing affliction, if you follow several rules.
- Play video games for 15 hours straight, everyday, on the day.
- NEVER make cookies for anyone but yourself.
- Refuse to let anyone sit on your lap. (Exception: Hot Girls)
- Buy an Ipod and listen to it everyday.
- Don't go to potlucks
- Get a job "pimpin'"
- Buy a segway
- Go to a parade and sit in a lawn chair
- Rub that white stuff on your nose
- Don't Retire
- Don't come out of Retirement
- Avoid the "Time Holes" previously mentioned in this article
- Slap dat ho
- Live like there is no tommorrow, because there might not be.
- Stop breaking your hip
- Find the fountain of youth
- Don't get married
- Live for the joy of seeing the suffering in others
- Be an asshole
How Old can be Spread
Because getting old can be spread from cell to cell, it is advised that those getting old should be isolated in the Time Holes as soon as possible, to prevent the spread of person-to-person oldness. Virologists warn that people who work with the old are likely to get the "Old Flu", which may become spreadable person-to-person through the air. In response, countries like China and England have placed embargoes on the old, and are currently throwing out hundreds of thousands of supposed infected getting old patients.
A world-wide pandemic, however, is still at large. The Unites States is currently stockpiling the water from the fountain of youth incase a pandemic does break out.