“I implore you: Stop Botany!”
Agriculture, not to be confused with agroculture is the eternal war being continuously waged by Mankind against the relentlessly invading hordes of the evil plant kingdom. Every year, gazillions of plants emerge from the ground in an attempt to claim the land. To counter this movement, farmers used specialized machinery to destroy these plants, and use their reproductive organs as tasty snacks and nutritious meals.
The Farmer's Last Stand
The farmer is outstanding in his field. Also, the farmer is out standing in his field. Many brave agricultural warriors now stand as the last line of defense between the photosynthesizing bastards and our vulnerable cities. For years, we have been forced to use scorched-earth tactics to mow down vast armies of wheat and rice and marijuana to prevent them from marching down our streets and raping our teenage virgin daughters.
Last Friday, the Farmer's held their ground at the great Farmer's Market of 2008 at the corner of State and Main Streets, across from the Wal-Mart. Uncle Henry was selling corn at twenty five cents an ear. Not to be outdone, Mertha May was giving away two ears of corn with every pound of peaches. At the end of this battle, the consumer wins.
Are We Losing the War?
As of 2007, the overall War on Botany is going very badly for us humans. More and deadlier plants have evolved to take up arms against the last remnants of humanity. However, notable progress against those vegetable zombies is being made in South America, where, if all goes well, we will soon eradicate the dreaded rain forests and secure the continent for democracy before the decade is out.
Mertha May has hired migrant workers to help pluck the bounty of the earth from her peach trees. However, due to their illegal status in America, they could be shipped back to Honduras any moment now. Until this day, the battle will be fought valiantly in her orchards on Green Hill Road, 2 miles West of town, down by the old dancing barn.
Strategic and Tactical Advantages of Plants
- Poisonous thorns
- High rates of reproduction
- Deep roots for securing conquered territory
- Ability to brainwash bees to do their foul bidding
- Periodical shedding of leaves which choke our vital trade routes
- Effective camouflage for the infiltration of forests and meadows
- Control of the floral industry to undermine the hearts and minds of our womenfolk
- Ability to kill thousands while avoiding Mark Wahlberg, as documented in The Happening.
Ants are responsible for 87% of worldwide farming. From sand to gelatin, ants are a key resource to a sustainable future. In 1986, Willie Nelson first brought attention to the vital role ants play in our ecosystem. Because of this, 90 million dollars were allocated in subsidies to ant farms in the United States, fiscal year 1987. The plight of the ant farmer continues today.
However, due to colony collapse disorder, ants are systematically being beheaded by French Kings. Scientists predict that by 2010, Hybrid vehicles will reduce our dependency on ant based fuels, so any disaster can be avoided. Aunt Bertha makes the best apple pies.
Timeline of Agricultural Weaponry
- 500,001 BCE: Big heavy rock
- 500,000 BCE: Pointed stick
- 4004 BCE: The Grim Reaper
- 1750 BCE: Scythe
- 1749 BCE: Sickle
- 1804: John Deere
- 1812: Steam-powered threshing machine
- 1896: Lawn dart
- 1903: Lawn mower
- 1914: Flame thrower
- 1945: Nuclear bomb
- 1977: Weed whacker
- 1993: Genetically-engineered sheep
- 2003: Daisy cutter
- 2024: Combine Harvester