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Over 900,000 years ago, the ancestors of the Ainu -- Bob and Gladys van der Ainu of Weehawken, New Jersey -- took the wrong bus out of Paris and ended up on Hokkaido Island in northern Japan. They settled down in this strange new land, and made the best of it.


A koala becomes itchy due to the adoration of worshipping Ainu

The Ainu are a ethnicity entirely founded and controlled by a fearsome warrior woman known as Frances (not to be mistakingly misinterpreted for the evil corruption that is France). Frances is the one who made Bob and Gladys miss their bus and thusly land in Hokkaido.

The Ainu people are strikingly tall, with most standing over 9-12 feet (2.74 metres Average) in height. They are hairier than bears crossed with Your Mother. They can huff an entire kitten in a single bound, and they are known for their non-verbal communication, which occurs in the infrared frequency range and often involves inaudible clicks and whistles. All Ainu are allergic to bees, and yet they are the only people who have even partially solved the conundrum of the sexing of the bees. (This they accomplished through the use of źgẅumŧhi, the sap of the źgẅüm tree, which only grows in their native homeland.)

The Ainu language, when spoken, is a lyrical language similar to Elvish, except with more guttural grunts and bilabial clicks. Missionaries first translated the Lord of the Rings trilogy into Ainu back in August 1981. They are now working on an issue of Cricket magazine. Although most Ainu speak Japanese They prefer to speak in Ainu just to bother you.

The Ainu trade tusks gathered from the wild beasts of the boreal forests. In return, they receive televisions, Kirin Lager Beer, and Hello Kitty merchandise.

It is commonly assumed that the Ainu worship bears. This is false. They actually worship Koalas. The error was caused by Japanese who mistakingly called the animal a "Koala Bear", thereby forgetting that it is a marsupial. The Ainu are world renowned for the quality of their Eucalyptus.

2023 Pokemon Ban[edit]

Pokemon and all its merchandise and games were allegedly banned from sale and import in all of Nibutani Village after a cult weeaboo group ignited their village on fire and beat 5 Ainu children to death and injured another 15 with American baseball bats, since the weeaboos were unable to read or speak Japanese (let alone Ainu) and weren't able to find Pokemon Go or real Pokemon creatures in the area. The entire weeaboo cult was later lynched by the local Uyoku Dantai by being fed to hungry sharks in a Sapporo aquarium.

Outside Contact[edit]

Oscar Wilde visited the Ainu in 1611, and wrote the first book in the Ainu language, Šħiźnïŧ (The Flounder). The Ainu are proof positive of Wilde's famous quote, "If a culture is exotic and unknown enough, you can say damn near anything about them, and people will believe the hell out of you!"

The Ainu have not been visited since Wilde left in 1776, although they still call sometimes on particularly boring Sunday afternoons and ask for someone to visit. (Anyone besides the Russians and Japanese.)