Air Force

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U.S. Air Force

Turbatio Est Solutio Ut Licentia
(Indecision is the Key to Flexibility)

In this photo a group of Airmen are taught by a physical conditioning specialist (an "Air Conditioner") to take off by flapping their arms as fast as possible. Because the Air Force spent all its money on new uniform development and PT testing infrastructure, creditors were forced to repo its planes.

“ Get off your lazy asses and go bomb those SOB terrorists!!! Oh wait, we are grilling burgers and watching cable, then closing up early for the four day weekend. Maybe later.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Air Force

“They don't really realize it, aerial dogfights are useless”

~ The Mentor on Flying dogs

“I ate like a king for four years... for free!”

~ Uncle John on the US Air Force

“An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.”

~ Captain Irrelevant on the US Air Force

The Chair Force is the corporate branch of the U.S. military, created in 1992 by Gen. Merrill "Symington" McPeak and an elite cadre of fighter pilots from Nellis AFB. They envisioned war fought with total customer satisfaction, a holistic approach to bombing missions, and replacement of leaders with managers. The first uniform was an "airline pilot" styled service dress, but this idea was abandoned around 1995 when the Air Force decided to adopt the Army mission and crank out warriors (HUA!). The Air Force embraces "dynamic heritage", effectively re-inventing itself every few years. Its proud traditions date back to late 2008.

Air Force members wear ABUs and BDUs like the Army (except a "just for laughs" tiger-striped version), but are too good for guns. If at all possible they prefer to stay in the break room and watch TV for the better part of their work day. Almost all Air Force members are either whiny women, effeminate men, or just plain dicks.

Until 2011, the Air Force was organized into Commands, Wings, Groups, Squadrons, and Flights (just to remind people that even if only a small fraction of the service is represented by pilots, the Air Force is all about planes). General Schwartz, the Chief of Staff, announced in February that from now on, organization would be described by the kinds of aircraft employed for an operation. "We will be using 33 large aircraft, 112 small ones, 567 teenie-weenie ones, and 12 really big humongous ones in upcoming operations over Libya," said Schwartz. "This is in accordance with Secretary [of Defense] Gates desire to make Air Force organizational composition understandable to the Administration and Congress," he explained.

Work Responsibilities[edit]

A typical pilot "Working it"

Air Force troops, known as Air personnel Airmen, Airguy, Airfaggot, or Airmattress in the case of gay members, are highly trained in special skills, ranging from aircraft administrative assistant to postal clerk. Unfortunately, this very expensive training is often wasted because the primary responsibilities end up being sweeping, moping around, taking out trash, mopping, cleaning windows, dusting, scrubbing toilets, cutting grass, painting rocks, and watching other Airmen urinate into bottles for drug test. And that's just the officers.

Most of the responsibilities of Airmen consist of babysitting a computer that does not work right for eight hours, and not getting caught looking at MyFace or SpaceBook or Googling ex-girlfriends of officers, who have even less to do than the Airmen.


Members of the US Air Force for the most part are a bit better off in this category than the other branches. It used to be that many Air Force members could make it 20 years without ever deploying. Times have changed, Airmen are deploying more than ever. Of the 75,760 AF personnel that were deployed in 2009, 40,000 were "in lieu of Army tasking. The Air Force used to deploy personnel for 120 days but have increased their deployment times to 179 and 365 to supplement the Army taskings. So many deployed Air Force personnel get to go play Army on an Joint Expeditionary Tasking (JET). In-lieu-of the fact that the Army and Marines do not have enough people to perform all the required tasks in Iraq, the Department of Defense (DOD) is using Airmen and Navy sailors in infantry roles. They are taking sailors off of ships whose job it is to run an engine room, Air Force personnel off the flight-line and making them "soldiers-for-the-month."

Enlisted Rank Structure[edit]

Here is how it goes. No ands, ifs or buts. Unless you are cool with the right people. (or you are a supply slut)

  • Trainee (Retarded): Even if Albert Einstein was to enter in the Basic Military Training for the Air Force, he would be rendered a whining, whimpering, retarded, "Huh!" penguin, who runs into walls. You memorize random shit that changes day to day, and are incapable of doing anything right. Bottom line, YOU ARE WRONG!!!!!
  • Tech Schooler (Semi-Retarded): Having graduated Basic, you now enter an unknown world where you can actually talk to girls let alone look at them. You find that right girl and get married after filling out your hotel wavier and 29b. Only to find out later how much paperwork it really takes to to do all that crap, and then get divorced. Also, you will still find yourself freaking out when anyone with a campaign hat approaches you, going to attention and spouting, "Sir, Trainee Airman reports as ordered!"

  • Airman Basic (Worthless): You are not held accountable for anything and your qualification requirements are a cakewalk. Since you have no chevrons, you are usually saluted when out in public (not including Lackland AFB), giving you a valuable ego boost. You can secretly run your own errands while doing chow runs and taskings for higher-ranked servicemembers, and if no one can find you, hey, you're just an Airman Basic out getting lost and screwing up, know what we mean? No one will waste their time imposing an Article 15 on you. You are untouchable. Enjoy it! However soon the fun will end, and you will grudgingly pin on E-2.
  • Airman Tier (Pee-on): If you are E-2 through E-4 — with the exception of E-4 supervisors — you are worthless, and have no brain, and do all the responsibilities listed above. Despite your lack of experience and low human worth (as reinforced by the NCO Tier) you are given the most important jobs in the Air Force, e.g., fixing $20M aircraft, guarding the front gate of the base from untrustworthy Dominos Pizza and UPS drivers, and being accountable for munitions build-up that could clear the entire base population with one mistake. Just remember (and you will be reminded!) that you're at the bottom of the totem pole and get pissed on whenever leadership gets a chance. Of course, if you happen to be a E-4 supervisor, congratulations... you are actually an NCO, but without the stripe and pay.
  • Junior NCO (The Dude): If you are E-5, you're the shit. Nothing gets done without you there. Airmen still see you as one of them and happily do your bidding as long as you give them breaks or bring in food every now and then. Under your oversight, the unit runs like a well-tuned engine. Officers actually give you sincere compliments. Congratulations!
  • Non Commissioned Officer (Bureaucrat Select): If you are E-6 or E-7 you are entering the muddy echelons of Air Force bureaucracy. You find yourself increasingly unwilling to "Git R Done" unless there's accompanying paperwork. It is your job to make sure the lowest ranks do both their jobs and yours, or you are in trouble and it is all your fault. Once you break your troops and gain the allegiance of your SNCOs, you can sit around and play on the computer all day long. If not, the most you can hope for in your short career is a couple of games of Minesweeper.
  • Senior Master Sergeant (Management): If you are E-8, you have a keen interest in the nuances of petty rules and regulations. You are an avid connoisseur of bloated management and training programs, and you see every one of them as having a home at your squadron, even though they will invariably be uprooted after you PCS. As you get more incompetent and lose qualification in your career field, you will be asked to a lot of golf games and unit volleyball events. Accept these appointments or you will be effectively cast out of the management hierarchy. You believe you are really more qualified than officers to be in charge and, if it weren't for your 1.8 GPA in high school and being technically "retarded", you'd be in charge, that's for freaking sure.
  • Chief Master Sergeant (Fat Ass): If you are E-9, you made it! You no longer need to screw anyone over to make promotion. Relax. It's your job to barbecue, take care of the wives of deployed servicemembers (if you know what we mean), and figure out what to watch on cable TV or satellite TV. Have a seat! Sit in a chair of some kind. Right there will do. Do you have a tee time for the weekend at the base golf course? You need to randomly be on the green. You should relax, like I said earlier, but you won't be able to rest until you have your own parking spot in every parking lot, are treated as an equal to Generals, and get to be first in line to everything. Don't worry, the officers will be deathly afraid of you, so go ahead and do any ridiculously outlandish thing you can think one will say shit.

Officer Rank Structure[edit]

People be like "M.C. HAMMER COMIN' IN MY HOOD! but are dissapointed upon the realization that it is just an asshole in PTU's. They be haters.

Awesome; you get paid more for doing nothing! And the higher rank you are, the more your ass gets kissed.

  • O-1 to O-3 (company grade officers): Yes, you still have to kiss a lot of ass! But you think that all enlisted members should kiss yours. Tell that to a Chief! Everyone in the Air Force knows that your rank does not mean shit unless someone below you fucked up. You share something in common with the junior enlisted members. Your rank has been given to you, except for the Academy grads. They work their asses off for 4 years, only to obtain the exact same rank as all the ROTC grads and 13-week OTS wonders! (Keep in mind though, that Academy Officers are the worst of all. They have the biggest ego and think they have more power then anyone else. Only if they had a clue what to do with it! The academy officers are also known as ring tappers because when they gather in groups of two or more will cry out, "Wonder twin powers activate, Form of 2 star," then they transform into a general after accomplishing little to nothing except pissing everyone off.) But still, not even an E-1 will take any thing you say seriously.
  • O-4 to O-6 (field grade officers): Your ass kissing skills are great! You somehow fooled your superiors that you should gain rank. But by this point you should have learned that no morale problem is so great that it cannot be corrected by cracking down on your subordinates. If morale is in the gutter, it just means your people aren't spending enough time basking in the glory of the Air Force. Try assigning them more work. Even if they're working 24 hour days with no break, pile on even more work. Furthermore, you have achieved job security because even if you rule like Caligula or indulge in some corruption, you'll be relaxing at home in forced retirement rather than busting rocks at Leavenworth. How about that! But you're not going to fall into disgrace because you've got some ass-kissing to do if you want to make general officer. Yes, Truman might have said "the buck stops here", but standing up for your troops jeopardizes your promotion chances. So make sure your first shirt cracks down on those conniving airmen and NCOs. Convene commander's call when problems develop with things like improper edging on base housing lawns, low air in POV tires, and missing cakes in the urinals. Your promotion is the priority; the mission will go on.
  • O-7 to O-9 (general officers): Some moron has to be in charge of our air bases. Why not you! Especially since you have no skills at managing troops. But guess what: you can rule with an iron fist, making and breaking careers at your whim. Most of the Air Force's colonels would sell their souls to the devil to please you. So what do you do for a living? No one knows, but it is believed this amounts mainly to giving pointless talks, co-opting VIP planes and fighter jets for pointless official business, and inventing pointless AFI changes, for example For all junior enlisted personnel, handlebar mustaches are mandatory starting 1 Jan 2012, including on females and Effective 1 Apr 2012, all AFSCs will immediately be changed to their equivalent negative number..
  • O-10 (God) - You are the great and almighty General of absolutely nothing. You have been finally entrusted with the truth. Your allegiance is solely with the Cabinet and White House. The Air Force is a bunch of fools that like to dress up as bus drivers, who sit in front of the computer just to look busy for the guy who outranks them. You answer to no one, so go ahead, visit Facebook or play your favorite RPG while on duty. Just remember what happened to Congressman Foley!

Average work week[edit]

The Air Force puts in long hours. They are a bunch of workaholics, determined to do what it takes to secure the nation's freedom. This is evidenced by the long hours they put in. Here is the typical schedule of a Personnel or Supply office:

  • Monday, PT (physical training) 0800-1600 with one-hour lunch break.
  • Tuesday through Thursday, 0900-1700: Closed for lunch from 1100-1300; Closed for "training" from 1400-1700.
  • Friday, Weekly Wing PT Test: 0800-1000. Errands: 1000-1500. Group PT 1500-1700 (summer) or 0500-0700 (winter)
  • Saturday and Sunday: Closed

They also have all holidays off, including Halloween and St. Patrick's day, and they get time off for any other excuse they can think of. Most holidays also have a "bonus" day off, usually called something innocent sounding like "family day".

There are exceptions, i.e. Flight-Line Aircraft Maintainers (Not AGE, unless you're working in servicing to be the flightline's gophers all day) who work 12 hour plus shifts six days a week (Sundays off!) with food shoved in your mouth when possible; Security Forces, who spend time wondering the base pulling people over for going 1 mile over the speed limit; POL, Base Operations, Weather (Who don't actually look at the weather, It's been lightning within 5 for 15 minutes already, and NOW you decide to call it), Help Desk, and Command Post. Days off are never, ever seen, and many hours are spent fuming over the emails received letting them know everybody else in the Air Force has the day off, which are sent out in triplicate, just to be sure. So they just sit and guard a closed base talking on their cell phones, watching DVD's, and getting drunk on the job.

Air Force benefits[edit]

Despite what a lot of people think the Air Force does get paid. They get paid substantially less than their civilian counterparts who are doing the same jobs, except for all the unemployed people, of course. The Air Force says this is better because of "perks and benefits." Some of these perks include but are not limited to:

  • Physical Training (PT) - You will get valuable aerobic exercise running to the nearest available building every day at 5 pm when retreat starts playing. Unless you are on a profile, like 43% of enlisted and all female officers. Then, you have to walk slowly around the gym looking pained while the rest of the squadron runs.
  • Military Leave - You get 30 days of leave a year. Anytime you go anywhere, you must use your leave. You must even use leave on days you wouldn't have been at work anyways. However, none of this is binding.
  • Free Base Housing - Live in a disgusting dormitory or house that has had tons of people and families in it before you and not one of them kept it clean.
  • Medical and Dental - This is provided for free. It will take 5 months to get an appointment and you use it at your own risk. It's so bad you probably know someone who was hurt or disfigured by a misdiagnosis. AF medical people came from the same recruitment pool as you, after all.
  • Tuition Assistance - You will probably never get to use this unless you got a job like Finance or MPF that requires you never actually be at work.
  • Base Exchange - Base Exchange is a store that is tax free but charges more than any civilian store. Despite having hundreds of items on the shelves, they also never stock things you want. They do however, carry Pringles, underwear, and 10,000 copies of movies no one ever wants.
  • Commissary - This is where you can get groceries. This is also tax free however, while goods are tax free without surcharges, there is a 5% surcharge on the food you need and buy that "goes to base programs." You also get the luxury of finding more than half of the dairy and cold products expired. You know, the kind they serve in the desert.

You're probably not reading this part because you're already speeding to the Recruiter's office asking how soon you can sign up, but keep in mind these are only some of the wonderful benefits.

Air Force life[edit]

In this photo there are two camouflaged Airmen. I know, it's tough to see them but trust me they are there

Dormitory life[edit]

You awaken suddenly at 4:30AM by the sound of reveille being played on some far-off 1940’s era phonograph attached to a 10,000 watt P.A. Time to get up, you think as you turn off the re-run of Saved by The Bell on TBS, and make your way from the couch (which you passed out on about a half an hour ago) to your bed. It’s difficult for you to fall asleep as you think about those poor marines in the next dormitory over who have to go to work now, but you persist and fall asleep anyway. You forget to set the alarm but it doesn’t matter… you don’t need it. You wake up around 1 or 2, probably to the sound of your idiot pissmate’s favorite Jackopaws song, or that stupid fucking Disturbed song (where the guy makes the monkey sound at the beginning) and stumble into the shower. The water will be cold and the plug blocked with hair. When you get out of the shower, you are suddenly hungry. Since you slept through lunch at the chow hall(the chow hall staff probably slept through lunch, also), you go to your refrigerator; there you find a moldy orange (that you took from the chow hall), a 3 month old bottle of Mountain Dew (that lost its fizz about 3 months ago), and about 13-28 bottles of Bud Light. You opt for the Mountain Dew.

The next hour of your morning is usually either spent napping (all that sleeping made you tired) or, heading over to the BX to pick up a new computer game. As 3:00 approaches, you pick up your uniform from behind the refrigerator (where threw it on Friday afternoon), shave off that sweet goatee you had going for 2 days, get in your 2001-2004 Ford Mustang (usually red, black, sometimes orange.) and start the 38 second drive to your shop.

E-8 life[edit]

It's 6 a.m. on base housing. You wake up and have coffee. You spend 0630 to 0730 edging your lawn, then have some more coffee. You then stop by Military Clothing Sales. They are out of absolutely everything except for an RVN Gallantry Cross and maternity blues. Praise God, what a stroke of fortune, because a bit of shoe polish got on your RVN Gallantry Cross last week and your pregnant daughter is in the Air Force and would appreciate the uniform. After cleaning out Military Clothing Sales, you see an airman in front of the barber shop wearing nothing but underwear and passed out in a pile of his own puke. You go ballistic and chew him out for not wearing a reflective belt, and advise him to go in there and get a high & tight if he considers himself a warrior. You arrive in the office bright and early at 9:30 am, have coffee, and chat with the section chief, then you begin working at 10:30 am. Just as Powerpoint loads, you see it is time for lunch. So you head out to the Officers Club with your commander, have a quick lunch, and then since it's a nice day you all spend the afternoon at the golf course. You all opt to decline the golf cart (hoo-ah!) to log some PT time. After the game, you then stop back at the shop to find out how the ORI is going and make sure your NCOs have things in tip-top shape. You then head home and eat dinner with your family and go to bed at 8 pm so you'll be ready for the grind tomorrow.

Personal Time[edit]

Air Force Hotel Party or "How To Watch A 19 Year Old Female Airman Get Alcohol Poisoning And Get You An Article 15 In Just One Night (Note fruit-flavored malt beverages in photo indicating that a female airman was present, or an F-16 pilot)"

The Air Force is best known for drunken parties, and is the number one importer of beer in most nations which have air forces. It manages to consume it from the hours of 1600 to 0730.

The air force also has superhuman power to be able to drink beer more than any other branch...And yet they still don't beat up on army troops. We don't know why. It's suspected that it's because if they were tough guys to begin with, they probably wouldn't join the Air Force. Then again the Air Force is the only branch that will hand out Article 15's for the slightest conflict.

Many rumours about LARPing or World of Warcraft being a part of this personal time are highly inaccurate, and fit under a subculture of the military in general, the DLI student.

Air Force Bases[edit]

United States[edit]

  • Altus AFB, Oklahoma: This is the fusion of hell and Oklahoma. We feel sorry for you. Still better than Vance AFB, also in Oklahoma, or southern Kansas, or some shit.
  • Andrews AFB, Maryland: Who actually gets sent there? No one I've heard of, that's for sure.
  • Barksdale AFB, Louisiana: AKA "Bark-a-Traz”, located literally in the "armpit" of Louisiana. This is the Air Force prison, with no escape. One might make it through their sentence here, just don’t drop the soap or look at someone the wrong way. Once moral is shown in the prison, they put us on 12’s to knock us a notch, it works. Here at Bark-a-Traz dreams come to die.
  • Beale AFB, California: A nonsensical kind of place whose only claim to fame is the "Globalchicken" program, it is located 20 miles from anything and surrounded by cows and rice paddy fields.
  • Cannon AFB, New Mexico: "It smelled like cow shit, was in the middle of nowhere, awful leadership pre-SOF takeover, and something like 10% of the town population was a registered gang member. They should have closed the base and used IT as the bombing range." [1]
  • Charleston AFB, South Carolina: Easily one of the most micro-managed bases in the world. Many times you think to yourself, "How can people from such a nice area, with beaches just minutes away, & tons of historical tourist crap around, be such ass holes?". Although the answer to that question remains unanswered, there are some theories floating around as to why. This one is most widely accepted - South Carolina is home to some of the worst drivers in the world! It's as if the IQ level of the drivers around you, rapidly begins to decrease, as soon as you cross the SC state line. People here must think that the yellow line bordering the left lane means to Slow Down. It's honestly so bad, that every single parking space in this state is handicapped! This truly seems the only feasable explaination for all the disgruntled Air Force personnel.
  • Davis-Monthan AFB, Arizona: The Black Hole of the Air Force! Once you get stationed there it's nearly impossible to PCS. Hope you plan on retiring here, nothing can escape the black hole that is DM. Seriously ask yourself, when was the last time you ever met anyone previously stationed there?
  • Edwards AFB, California: The only base in the U.S. with a 55 MPH speed limit. Too bad it will still take you an hour and fifteen minutes to get to work.
  • Eglin AFB, Florida: The sweetest base after Hurlburt Field! You're only a 30 minute drive from the Gulf's Oily Beaches!! This base is so family oriented you'll be wondering why you haven't started one yet! So you'll end up going to the swamp and meet a girl called Lauren, (because every girl's name is fucking Lauren there.) you'll get her really drunk and end up conceiving your new child shortly after in the back seat of your 2003 phony pony Mustang or Ford Truck! Not to worry, shortly after the birth of your child, you'll enter into the upper echelon of each rank, Married with Kid(s)! Congratulations. You'll be eligible for random days off for your kids "appointments" and you'll be able to move out of the dorms early.
  • Eielson AFB, Alaska: -60 winters and summer's with 747 sized mosquitos can't be THAT bad... Can it?
  • Ellsworth AFB, South Dakota: There is a reason that it has the highest suicide rate in the Air Force.
  • F. E. Warren AFB, Wyoming: A thriving metropolis whose AAFES is tended to by immigrants with poorly constructed English, and has no runway, because the Wyoming Cowboys and Indians would masturbate on it if it was to be built.
  • Grand Forks AFB, North Dakota: AHAHAHHAHAHAHHA OMG OMG OMG AHHAHAHAH!!!!! (if you're moving here)
  • Hanscom AFB, Massachusetts: A stones throw from Boston. If you're lucky enough to get stationed here and you "can't find anything to do", you're a fuckin idiot.
  • Hickam AFB, Hawaii: If you get orders here, go fuck yourself. We all hate you.
  • Keesler AFB, Mississippi: Become a compulsive gambler! With 45 casinos within walking distance your chances for getting an Article 15 are only slightly better than your chance to get married (which is mandatory before graduation). However with a train that runs with Nazi like consistency every 10 minutes between 2200-0500, there are many chances to escape or kill yourself.
  • Lackland AFB, Texas: Every day you think how hilarious it would be to randomly jump out at a trainee walking across the base and pull a 341, but then you remember you used to be there yourself.
  • Langley AFB, Virginia: "NO! NOT THE CIA!"
  • McConnell AFB, Kansas: There are tornadoes every day and you're required to have Indian raid insurance on your vehicles.
  • McGuire AFB, New Jersey: A research project on how many people an Air Force base can lose, while taking on the responsibility of two sister service bases. The research clearly indicates more people are required to do those tasks however the Air Force decided they would rather spend the money on a shiny new jet for an air show.
  • Minot AFB, North Dakota: Sole purpose of the entire base is to fail inspections. Why not?
  • Mountain Home AFB, Idaho: You live in a beautiful place reminiscent of the Afghanistan desert; no wonder its called the armpit of the west? You have the best base housing in the Air Force, which means it looks great, but the siding falls off if the wind blows too hard. If you're bored, drive a half hour through the barren desert to walk around the local mall (AKA Walmart) or visit a local bar where all of the locals will hate you, but only because you're the only one with a steady job and a full set of teeth! Beware of whistlepig season.
  • Nellis AFB, Nevada: You've got it made, baby! Except for the 20 hours a year you spend at the casino, the other 8740 hours involve dust, scorpions, dashboard-cracking sun, and 110-degree weather.
  • Offutt AFB, Nebraska: Catch phrase: "Once you get Offutt, you can't get Off it." If you like to husk corn, try to get stationed there!
  • Peterson AFB, Colorado: Don't forget to come to our dorm counsel meetings where we discuss absolutely nothing of value! Hope you have a car too, because that 15 minute walk to the BX in winter is a bitch.
  • Schriever AFB, Colorado: Weather warning #05-006 calling for surface winds greater than 305 knots but less than 810 knots has been issued for Schriever AFB from 1800 local to September 25th, 2904.
  • Shaw AFB, South Carolina. "I am from SC, but Sumter should just be bulldozed and left to be reclaimed by nature." [1]
  • Sheppard AFB, Texas: There are two types of women here: Country and Western. No, wait, there are two types of women here: those who have three kids already, or those who are totally insane.
  • Tinker AFB, Oklahoma: Oklahoma City is for all intents and purposes located around Lake Hefner, located 142 miles away. Your side of the city is the strip mall and titty bar, the capital of Oklahoma.
  • Travis AFB, California: It's close to Sacramento and the Bay Area. There is nothing else of value to be found here; unless you want to join the Crips in the nearby city of Fairfield.
    Logo of the new combined Federal Employee Commissary and Exchange Service.
  • Whiteman AFB, Missouri: A world class base that can't even get a 24-hour shopette.


  • Afghanistan and Iraq: No need to go into this; you'll be going there soon enough. Psst... I hear they're going to extend TDYs to 720 days.
  • Ali Al Salem: Undisclosed location
  • Al Udeid: Leave your morale at home folks....but bring a reflective belt or two....or three.....or....fuck it get a case of 'em!
  • Andersen AB, Guam: Hafa Dai and welcome to the most backwards base in PACAF (that's saying a lot). Here, if you aren't being buzzed by Black Drongos or "barked at" by the retard deer you are doing something wrong. Chamorros (locals) are the honest-to-god dumbest indigenous population known to AF. They think blood soup and meat fat are delicacies and drive/park like the Carabao they treasure. Unless you wear blues on Mondays you’ll most likely spend 10 to 12 hours a day sweating you ass off in the 85 degree, 85% humidity weather. After that the rest of your time and money will be spent at strip clubs and “massage parlors”.
  • Eskan Village: A Star Wars themed shit-hole under the assumed control of three combating Sith Lords. The unfortunate residents of this reverse supermax prison (keep the bad guys out, not in) eventually exist to lift weights, eat, and sleep.
  • Korea: 'The Land of not quite right' This is a place where the warrior can experience the finer points of Asian culture, like juicy bars and poon.
  • Kadena AB, Okinawa: The final frontier. Either your career or life will end here. Gen Order #1, in case you don't know what it means - go ahead break a rule... you'll find out soon enough. You're 27 years old, work 14 hours a day, 14 hour flight from home, but god help you if you're not on base at 11:59 pm. If you work anywhere near the MSA, you will notice the cloud of oppression that is perpetually hovering behind the flightline, while a beautiful rainbow spans the rest of the base. Your life is meaningless if you have any idea what i am talking about.
  • Moron AB, Spain: I'm not sure why I'm adding this to the list since there's only ever 12 of us here at a time. As a GSU our leadership in Germany always asks "You're who from where?" and "Why are you calling me?" ever time we ask for support or manning. I've forgotten what a US jet looks like but I can now identify all the planes the Spanish have (the Eurofighter, the Eurofighter and the Eurofighter). We have a Navy Exchange shopette/clothing sales/exchange/commissary all rolled into one handy closet that's open for around 2 1/2 hours a day. For food we can go get whatever's still stuck to the grill at the chow hall or go to an on base Spanish cantina and watch the Spanish fighters down a few before the days sortie begins...
  • Misawa AB, Japan: Frozen half the year, hot the other half. You will constantly slip on ice and find the Japanese women don't like you.
  • RAFs Lakenheath, Mildy & Craughton, UK: Go ahead an put away your English to English dictionary folks, this isn't REALLY an overseas base. By far the most fun you'll have contracting an STD. The Pussy is as bitter as the beer, and for 2 pounds you can have both. Don't bring an umbrella with you... that's in case the rain stops; it won't. The sun comes up at 10 and goes down at 1, but it shouldn't be a problem because you'll be at lunch during that time. Those girls from Brandon, consistently patrolling the dorms, may or may not be of age: stay thirsty my friends.
  • Spangdahlem AB, Germany: Proud to be the DUI capital of USAFE, you will be in blues for formation every Saturday at 4 AM while your commander informs everyone of yet "another failure to take care of our people". You will then fall out, report back to your dorm and chug a random bottle of liquor in front of your window... since you cannot drive off base thanks to some snitch mistakenly giving your license plate to SF because he got passed on the B-50.
  • UAE - Al Dahfra AB : Go ahead... google it - it exists, but it "doesn't"...

National Air Forces[edit]

Despite having fewer planes than the Navy (according to the Navy, who know everything), the AFUS (Air Force of the United Statesians),is the greatest Air Force in the world. The IRA (Iraqi Royal Airforce) comes in second according to George Bush. Rumor has it that Canada may also have an Air Force. This is most likely false considering it is widely known that Canada has no military.

Air Force of the Future[edit]

"Luke, I am Your Father"

The Air Force of the future has decided to take some examples steal from the other services with their new uniforms. The most current theft would be the Air Force PT gear. Even though the primary job for an Air Force member is to watch a computer all day, there's always time to play Army. When the Marines and Army got a new BDU now known as ACU (and still BDU for Marines because its too hard to remember new acronyms), the Air Force felt left out. So they changed the color of the Army's already less useful ACU's and came up with their current fruity number and decided to throw in styling PT gear to fit their needs. These needs include walking during a mile and a half run, sports days, and barbecues.

The next phase in the Air Force of the Future will be to get rid of the BDUs. They felt a bit hurt by the Army's change so they've decided to go with their own style. Top Generals in the Air Force decided that they needed a distinctive Air Force uniform of their own, so they stole the Army's new color pattern and added blue, because the sky is blue and they are the Air Force after all. With their new uniform ready, the airmen quickly discovered that the only thing they blended in with was flightline concrete, but even that didn't matter because if you are a bad guy, all you have to do if shoot at the reflective belts anyway. It was decided that an effective camouflage pattern was not needed, because let's face it: If an Air Force member is ever so close to combat action that he has hide from the enemy, somebody fucked up big time.

But wait, there's more! You may think that during this time of massive global war, funds might be a little tight. But you'd be wrong! There's always money for half-brained attempts at changing the uniform to give the General-du-jour another impressive bullet for his OPR. The newest design for the Air Force of the future would be the Service Dress Uniform. The Air Force became a bit tired of people comparing them to civilian pilots and bus drivers when dressed up showing off their Bronze Stars that every Airman gets straight out of Basic. They needed another new uniform. They needed something to be feared, something that demands respect, something that blatanty copies one of their sister services (see: Marines) and something that inspires awe, particularly from Nazis and Star Wars fans. Thank God this idea has been nixed.

Just remember everyone, the Army actually has more planes than the Air Force. And more boats than the Navy. And more idiots than the Marines.

See also [[ATC[Air Training Corps (N00bs)]]

"The U.S. Air Force... why not?" a commonly used ad seen in posters magazines and bagel bites boxes


  • A little known fact about the US Air Force is that it was they long, long ago created the mystical and powerful supreme Dragon Balls. The current whereabouts are most likely located inside one of the shop's jacuzzis, being used for floaty toys.

Other Military Forces[edit]

The Army is known for its large numbers, and constant failure to make recruiting goals, hence its slogan, "an army of one".

In the Navy is the worst, mostly because of the guys showering together. Hence the slogans "only queer at the pier" and "it's not gay if you're under way." Everybody else is lame.

The Marine Corps is known for having sex with 11 year old Chinese prostitutes.

The Coast Guard is a bunch of beach bum/preps that didn't have money for college.

The Royal Bear Force is the military division comprised entirely of bears and bear lookalikes. It is only used in the theocracy of Titonia.

The Earthican Defense Forces is a non existent military force and is usually wiped out by Aliens, zombies,Bea Arthur etc.. it is made up entirely of That guy from Halo known to be very talkative and wear revealing armor

Chuck Norris. Period.

Tomato - Very useful link to the life story of tomato


  1. 1.0 1.1 Worst Base, Military Times forum, September 26, 2009.