Air Southwest

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“I'm Tamia; fly me!

~ Tamia
Air Southwest are proud to be the sponsors of Sir Francis Drake

Air Southwest, the national airline of the South West of England, was formed in the late 1450s with the purchase of three reindeer from a group of confused Norwegian merchants, after British Airways decided that Cornwall didn't exist and that Devon wasn't really worth worrying about. After initial problems, namely finding anywhere flat enough to land, the company gained significant wealth by tapping into the booming Medieval second homes market, operating regular services to London, Oxfordshire and poshest Surrey from a multitude of Westcountry destinations, which were probably not even worth visiting back then.

In 1588, after enjoying (or at least surviving) several pleasant voyages, Air Southwest were formally named the 'official airline of Sir Francis Drake' by the Admiral himself and thus entered into an exclusive sponsorship agreement of the triumphant boules tournament, and following minor scuffles against the Spanish. Financially though times grew hard as the threat of terrorism increased; their operations frequently targeted by the Cornish Liberation Front, who became notorious for hurling pasties or other pastry based snacks at departing flights. Then, in the 1820s the airline narrowly avoided bankruptcy again, this time as a result of the great Cornish Cheese Famine.


An Air Southwest aircraft pictured before a flight to St Austell

Unusually, Air Southwest do not own any actual aircraft, as they could never afford them for a start, let alone work out how to fly them. Instead, they operate a fleet of several dozen flying tractors, which it's believed were magically enchanted by a group of mischievous pixies on a school outing from the remote settlement of Bodmin. All cargo operations are handled by a flock of 200 pigeons, leading to flights being severely disrupted in 2003 after their union voiced objections to being painted in the new color scheme and as a result ordered immediate strike action. It is understood that many birds remain grounded due to a lack of spare parts, normally sourced from the local Ginsters factory.


Flights are operated to a range of destinations from major hubs located at St Austell, Mousehole and North Prospect, including;

  • Baghdad
  • Warsaw
  • Falmouth
  • Mombasa
  • Bude
  • Princetown (only when flights have gained insufficient height to clear the hill)
  • Antarctica
  • London
  • Bath
  • Silly Isles (not to be confused with the Isles of Scilly)
  • Anchorage

A raft of new and exciting destinations unveiled for 2008 are as follows;

  • Ulan Bator
  • Tehran
  • Amerika
  • St Ives
  • East Timor
  • Pyongyang

Other Information[edit]

When preparing for your Air Southwest flight, it is important to bear in mind the strictly enforced dress code: The under 30's will not be accepted for travel unless clad in matching shell suits (burberry cap optional) and wellington boots must be worn for safety at all times by everybody on board. Whilst (hopefully) in the air a range of local beverages are offered for purchase; the Beavers' tongue sandwich and straw of grass being exceptionally popular choices, good value for money too, at around £100 a piece.