What's that? You don't agree with His Excellency, President for Life Robert Mugabe's official policies?
“This airline is the Qantas of Africa”
Air Zimbabwe is the flagship national airline of Africa's most pleasent country, Zimbabwe. It is known as Zimbabwe's finest airline due to having the highest safety standards of any airline in said nation (recording an average of
900a small number of deaths a week). Despite the terriblesuperb safety record, Air Zimbabwe is also famous for a 95% rate of passengers boarding for the purpose of suicide. But everyone knows that's Western propaganda, surely??
The vast majority of Air Zimbabwe aircraft take off with
nofuel, with the world's worst finest pilots praying to god they will somehow make it to the airportsipping cocktails and talking to each other while the crappyworld class autopilot does all the work.
Air Zimbabwe; "Ndangi nedonkey muhure nbong polertyui, moo goo guy pan" (next time you want to hurtle through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, think of us).
air zimbabwe's fleet comprises of 3 drunk flying pigs and a wet fish
- (Insert Mugabe holiday destination here)
- Numerous crash sites throughout Africa.
Note 1: Air Zimbabwe will start regular flights to Neverland by November 31.
Note 2: Air Zimbabwe once operated a flight - only once - to Ethiopia. These flights were cancelled because the communist government shot down the aircraft because they believed it was an American Airways flight.
Air Zimbabwe, among other things is famous for its welcome to its passengers. This is a traditional welcome used by pilots before take off:
|Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Air Zimbabwe. This is your captain Tobias Wilcox welcoming both seated and standing passengers on board Air Zimbabwe from Gatwick, London. We apologize for the 2 week delay, it was due to bad weather and the lack of spare parts for our aging aircraft.
This is flight RM1980 to Harare. Landing there is not guaranteed, but we might end up somewhere in Zimbabwe. If luck is in our favour, we may even be landing on your hotel. Air Zimbabwe has an excellent safety-record. In fact our safety standards are so high that even terrorists are afraid to fly with us.
It is with pleasure, I am pleased to announce that over 30% of our passengers reached their destination this year. If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can arrange to turn them off. To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, We serve complimentary PG Tipps and Wagon Wheels.
For our not-so-religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you find out if there really is a God.
We regret to inform you that today's advertised in-flight movie will not be shown as we were unable to find a copy of The Interpreter on Betamax. But for our movie buffs, we found a pirate Betamax copy of The Poseidon Adventure on a car boot sale this morning.
Smoking is permitted. However, if you see smoke outside the aircraft it's just the engines on fire.
In order to catch important landmarks, we try to fly as close as possible for the best view. Admittedly this resulted in the deaths of 58 last week but we have since renewed our policies and no longer allow Americans over the weight of 200lbs to fly, as this tends to destabalise the aircraft.
Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take-off and fasten your seat-belt. For those of you who can't find a seat-belt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat. If you do not have a belt or can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with a stewardess who will explain how to fasten yourself to the floor
Once again, Air Zimbabwe is famous for the meals it provides. This promotional video, supplied by Air Zimbabwe, shows this:
- Air Zimbabwe is NOT the worst airline in the world.
- Air Zimbabwe DOES care about it's passengers safety.
- Air Zimbabwe DOES provide the safest service between Cincinnati and Los Angeles without flying to Melbourne
- Air Zimbabwe DOES allow furries to use it's planes.
- Air Zimbabwe DOES allow smoking (even the engines are allowed to smoke, especially when we're crashing into the Congo)
- Air Zimbabwe's planes were NOT purchased from the Russian Air Force.
- Air Zimbabwe has NOT experienced 20 crashes, The 19 that did happen have resulted in a change of policy, all Americans must be weighed before they board.
- Air Zimbabwe's fleet DOES NOT consist of Douglas DC-3s from 1945. It consists of
stolen brokenseminew Boeing 707 directly from the 1960s section of the Mojave Airplane junkpile. BLACK PIGS!
Please refer to Robert Mugabe for further information on these facts. We hope you good luck! Please fly Air Zimbabwe on your way there (hope you dont get hit by a truck on the way).
In flight extras
Are not available, since the currency required to pay for them would destabilise the aircraft. This is all the fault of the British, who exercise absolute power in Zimbabwe and It Has Nothing At All To Do With The Government.