Airsoft

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“Those plastic BBs are EVERYWHERE dammit!!!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Airsoft

Airsoft is a sport that is very popular in places like Japan where it is believed that the more pain inflicted on one's self, the better you are in the eyes of the emperor. The game is somewhat akin to laser tag mixed with underwater basket weaving and Tunisian croquet. It is best played with manatees and roller skates, although the small plastic BBs tend to be both a slipping and choking hazard for man and manatee alike. Only people with small genitalia are allowed to play.

A noob airsoft player, notice the guys junk behind his head

History[edit]

Airsoft was first invented by a one "Huy Dizazong" because paintball was deemed too much like painting by numbers, with guns. Groups banded together to form the fellowship and created something like paintball, but less like Home Economics. This later led to the Paintball/Airsoft Wars of 2069. Thus, the sport was born. After being sponsored by Kristen Valpreda.

Early years[edit]

With new technology, people started using these in backyard wars. But they got tired of getting shit rained on them all the time, so they found BBs. But they got their teeth knocked out all the time, so they made them plastic.

Airsoft now[edit]

A expert airsoft player

Airsoft now consists of two different types of people. The people who play for the hell of it, and the stuck up assholes. In comparison, the airsoft community is 1% actual players, and 99% asses. In a typical airsoft match, one will shoot at the other and the other will declare "It didn't count!". This action will occur over and over until someone on the team gets PWN'd. Usually the player that gets his ass kicked is the one that was calling his hits but no one cares since they are all pissed at each other. Scoring usually goes by how many kills you can say you made without anyone being the wiser. Usually the kill to mouth ratio goes 1:3. For every kill you make you tell the others you made 3. The biggest (and most entertaining) problem with airsoft is the fact that everyone gets cocky about their guns. First you have the people who say that its the player not the gun. And then proceed to kick you ass with a G&G PMC upgraded to shoot maybe 440 FPS and 42 rounds in a second. Then you have the people who have a modest gun (maybe 360 FPS at 16 RPS) and they are always screaming about how everyone else is stupid because they don't call their hits or their guns are OP. Lastly you have the know it all's who think they have the most experience and call everyone else a noob. These players are usually in the army. or some other lowly armed service just for a buck or two. Avoid these players at all costs. They are dangerous and stupid. These players also tend to have the most gear out of any airsofter withing a ten mile radius with the average carrying a primary airsoft weapon, a secondary airsoft weapon, a tertiary airsoft weapon, night vision goggles (even if it's daytime), bullet proof vest (kevlar), helmet, $500 dollar multicam uniform, knives, swords, real guns, and a large amount of other unnecessary equipment. These players often try to simulate real war injury scenarios by medicating every bump and welt with morphine, bandages, and blood transfusions. They will also attempt to make injuries real through self-mutilation.

Airsmiths[edit]

To upgrade your gun you need an airsmith. Because as soon as you open your gun you are deemed a noob and a dumbass because you don't know what the hell you are doing. Airsmiths are highly trained professionals skilled in the arts of using a screwdriver, lubricating gears, and placing shims with such precision not even a robot could do it better. You cannot become an airsmith. Airsmiths just appear as 22 year-old's in the streets much like a terminator appears.

An engineer by the name of Ian Matthews had the misfortune of playing airsoft and being a mechanical genius. When he offered his service to others on fixing guns he was immediatley killed by the morons who go as airsmiths

Airsmiths generally have bad practices and never do the job right according to Ian. If you need work done, see an engineer.

Manufacturers[edit]

There are three different types of manufacturers, the absolute POS ones (JLS,crossman etc), midlevel (JG/Echo1, A&K, etc), and high end companies (TM, ICS, VFC, etc). Out of those groups, there's the Cybergun clear Desert Eagle, and the TM Mini AK47, which are basically the ultimate airsoft guns. Claims say that they run to 250k shots with no issues at 410-450 fps. It's pretty sick.

Types of guns[edit]

There are several types of guns used in airsoft, including seven basic types.

  • Clear Guns-Airsoft guns which use a very rare, expensive, and precise BB type; 0.12g Crossman BBs.
  • Spring Guns- Spring guns are meant to be only used in the spring time. When used in the summer, fall, or winter, it will break and melt in your hands.
  • Manual-Not guns, but actually throwing BBs at some one. These can reach up to 700FPS.
  • Electric Guns- Electric guns are semi-automatic/selective fire. They run on computer power while carrying the whole PC on your back.
  • Wal-Mart-A group of airsoft guns sought after by collectors for the amazing specifications and almost artistic finish.
  • Gas Guns- Very uncommon, due to rising gasoline prices. The save gas, fart in a jar craze has brought fat people into the field, using these type of weapons. For the environmentally minded prick, a more fuel efficient hybrid versions are available for $4000 each.

Team Names[edit]

Most airsoft teams will have fancy sounding names like "Ghosts" "Pain" or "Team Warrior" in an attempt to make them sound military, and a part of the special forces. Beware of the teams with names like "Seal Team" or "Delta" or some shit like that - they're probably frustrated call center agents who have nothing better to do than dress up like sissies and play with toy guns. Also, beware of teams with acronyms like "TFB?" or "LOL", "SHIT", or stuff like that - they have received the best training, are "supposedly" physically fit and are the "best" of the "best" and will probably turn traitor or zombie on you if you start threatening them. The best team name is "Delta". This means you are a real soldier. Teams like "Warrior" also have been known to throw "panty parties" in their respective leaders basement.

P.S. Team PAIN, Warrior, TFB?, LOL, and whatever the crap Towlie is supposed to be don't call hits for nuts.

Chuck Norris powered weapons[edit]

These are usually illegal, and only available in third-world countries through the black market. However many people that have had these guns used on them say that it is like getting kicked in the nuts by chuck norris himself. It's powered by Chuck Norris, nuff said. There is also a Bruce Lee version which when hit by this version of the gun you will grow a small dick and get chinky eyes.

See also[edit]

Airsoft guns

Paintball