Al Roker

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Al Roker, shown here shortly after his birth.

Perhaps the most well known fat person, other than the late Orson Welles and Shrek, is Al Roker. The origins of Al Roker remain unknown but there are several generally accepted theories:

  1. God took a really really huge dump and later blamed it on Satan the Stooge.
  2. Al Roker was an experiment created and funded by Taco Bell Labs in order to create a human being that was a perfect eating machine that is only physically capable of running on Taco Bell food
  3. Al Roker is the illigitimate "love child" conceived during a brief affair between Oprah Winfrey and Chef Boyardee founder Ettore Boiardi, in the back room of his Italian restaurant, Giardino d'Italia, at East 9th Street and Woodland Avenue in Cleveland, Ohio.
  4. Being the skilled weatherman he is, Al Roker has predicted the next ice age and is wisely storing up fat to hibernate for the next millennium.

As for Senario No. 2, unfortunately once Al Roker was born they had to scrap the project when he emerged from the womb black. Eventually Taco Bell Inc. reached the source of the problem when they found out that the incompetent basement meth chemist they hired to do the job forgot to throw in the gene for Mexican American.

The Chemist was first forced to apply for jobs in Detroit for a month; and then held prisoner in Guantánamo Bay Detention Camp and then murdered after which the failed George W. Bush assassination plot, still in the "planning" phase, was used to cover it up. Al Roker however was released into the wild and picked up by a family of traveling banjo minstrels who eventually settled down in southeastern Pennsylvania. As Al Roker's age increased and his maturity decreased his weight moved exponentially skyward, almost doubling every day.


Albert J. Rokenpiece during his Sumo Wrestling years at Yale.

Before High school, and Fat Camp before that, coincidentally Al Roker was consuming 350 pounds of raw taco meat and 20 liters of sour cream per day and Mountain Dew, almost half his body weight. Typically the food was beer-bonged into his gaping jowls and the sour cream was injected directly into his bloodstream. Subsequently, his blood is 70% raw cholesterol, 25% Mountain Dew and 5% naturally produced heroin to suppress the constant pain associated with his stretched out skin.

In the future Al Roker is expected to quite easily surpass the mass of the Earth, drawing the Moon closer to the planet's surface, therefore the only foreseeable plan is to rocket him into the Sun (thus, Al's lifelong budding interest in the study of Meteorology) as well as the dreaded Effect of Dragons on Global Warming.

Some Tree hugging hippy bastards think that it's wrong; claiming that "cows are people too" but the one thing that they're forgetting is that no just and loving God would knowingly put that atrocity into existence. No just and loving God besides taco bell, that is.

Regarding Al Roker's increasing weight, scientists have arrived at the following equation. Where A equals Al Roker and B equals Fat.

Social Status and issues[edit]

A lot of people "appear" to be Al Roker's friends and admiring colleagues, but we know of course that that's impossible. Al Roker's size requires a constant expulsion of gas and human gas is normally made up of methane and fecal matter. Al Roker's is pure vaporized cannabinols. Being around Al Roker for about 30 seconds is like smoking a gram of Cannabis Indica (common indica strains include White Widow and Northern Lights for all you Brandon Rolands wanna-bees out there).

In addition to this, just like Marlon Brando in his last days; Roker has a tendency to shit pure liquefied McDonalds Chicken McNuggets of 5-Methoxy-Dimethyltryptamine (5-MeO-DMT), normally naturally produced in certain barks and found in certain types of toad venom along with bufotenin. In addition to this, Al Roker urinates LSA dissolved in reagent grade ethyl alcohol.

In conclusion, the only reason Al Roker has friends is because they invariably perceive him as cool due to the Magic mushroom hallucinogenic cloud of malodorous fecal matter that surrounds him due to his ever-present gravitational pull.

On a personal note: this author weeps the loss of Katie Couric to the stinky claws of the gas cloud, and her fantastic gams. Al Roker once took a massive shit. That shit was later named Atlanta.

The Al Roker "Truffle Shuffle" Disaster[edit]

In 2004, Al Roker attempted the "Truffle Shuffle" off the coast of India. The resulting tsunami cost tens of thousands of people in Thailand their jobs and their homes. Some 8,000 people died. The UN barred pressing charges for the murders on Al Roker because the supreme court deemed him not a person (see Roe v. Gay).

They only solution was a 27th trimester abortion. Al Roker, still lodged in the ocean where he committed the horrible shuffle, was injected with 27 hundred tons of whale anesthetics. This only agitated Al Roker who let out a sigh of disappointment - This sigh became known as Hurricane Katrina.