“"Alan even gave me his sack one evening"”
“"In Mother Russia - We Fire YOU"”
“"Want to buy a Amstrad??"”
Lord (really??) Alan "YOU'RE BLOODY FIRED" Sugar has saggy tits his balls smell like rancid whale shite and he was officially brought up in the harsh environment of a cardboard box in grimey old "hard life" East London, he grew fond of firing things at an early age. His first recorded firing is of his secondary school Biology teacher, who "weren't doing the 'huck and phooey' properly" to quote Lord Sugar. He managed, like all adept Jews, to invest the few coins he found on in and around his box so wisely, that he grew into a multi millionaire in exactly 0.004564 seconds (a little shorter than overnight). Obviously Alan was very happy at this, he had so much firing power, actually about 45.6 million Fire/S. His Brother Bob Hoskins is his jealous rival and is currently planning to beat 'the Sugar Daddy' to be Londons No.1 Crime Boss. Alan sugar looks like a potato with gray mould growing on it.
His first company, Amstrad made black boxes, no nothing special, just make-shift door stops until someone invented the AMIGA . Alan is not actually known for anything else (apart from sacking people - yeah YOU), he has a lot of companies that no one cares about, maybe an electronic back scrubber or something, but as for the rest I don't fucking know. Yeah, most people question what the fuck his company actually does, except from sitting around looking like a fucking idiot. Alan Sugar fired Maj, aka Mr. Awesome Beard. Alan Sugar has an even more pitiful beard than Adolf Hitler. He recently sold Amstrad from the back of a van and is now worth more than £8.
At the height of 1984, Sugar's sackings infuriated the Employment office in the fact that they couldnt cope with the paperwork. To keep up with demand, Alan then invented the Amstrad CPC in order to generate P45's across London. Unfortunately it could be used played games on Holiday weekends. worse still -you had to saw off the TAPE recorder if you wanted to plug a joystick in. (which didnt work anyway as it was for a bloody BBC electron).
(Did we mention that he fired people yet???) Lord Alan Sugar has fired over 48 million persons (Official Figures for 2009) and two non-persons also known as Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross, abstract thoughts, ideas, possible possibilities, realities and other seemingly infireable objects, like patience for example, compare to Steve Ballmer who fucking kills (tm) similar things to Sir Alan, it is actually more likely to get fired by Alan Sugar than the likelihood that 1+1, when worked out, will return the answer 2. Alan has attempted to fire, amongst other things:
- The Beatles "Crickets are no good at music"
- Steve Jobs(CEO of Apple)-"He ain't Jewish, but he's rich, that ain't the beezy mcpheezy"*Sex-"It don't fit into my busy lifesytle, too little penal action."
- Her Majesty The Queen of England, Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland, Narnia and the dominions across the seas-"She ain't got the pizazz to open our footie tournaments."
- Time- "It doesn't get to the point quickly, can't 'ave any of that flanneling around."
- Tomorrow- "It has never lived up to it's promise of arriving on time! In fact, since i hired it to fire time for me because i was busy firing a computer for taking more than 7 seconds to load up, It has never arrived at all. It was an obvious decision"
- God- "He's cocked up with the world, don't wan't someone like him frolicking in my company."
- Oscar Wilde- "I don't like his quotes"
- Antartica- "Very in-continent"
- Himself- "If Sir Alan Does'nt like it then tough"
- Gordon Brown- "I may support his party ideas but hes no bloody good even if he did make me a Lord"
In recent times, a template was made up to help with the backlog of people on Sir Alan's 'Fire' list:
|make a balls-up with a task, as you did to this one, you will be fired.|
Firing vs. Fucking Killing
Warning, this section might contain too many clichés
Alan is interlocked with rival Steve Ballmer in eternal battle, Firing vs. Fucking Killing™, basically they try to outdo each other with what they can affect. One battle remembered is over the verb "pity". Steve first vowed to Fucking Kill it, but Sir Alan managed to use his firing powers just before the chair throwing started, rendering Steve Ballmer's eye rays™ harmless. This battle lasted for over 12 seconds, until Mr T broke up the fight "I pity the foo' who would try and wipe pity off the dictionary".
Both people strive to reach the ultimate goal, firing/fucking killing™ existence, until then they both do what they do best to everyone they can get hold of, one day, they'll get you...
Apprentice & Cockney slang
Basically Sir Alan decided to air on the BBC the video footage of his 'firing sessions', where he talks to accomplished business persons in cockney slang for 2 hours, gradually causing them to get nervous breakdowns and giving up or 'getting fired' as he likes to call it. In those videos alone, he has been known to have coined at least 12 million cockney words, such as 'schtancker' and 'blinkinin'. Although he has fired 99.9% of these for being "cliched and old, lost its zoocha".
“ok Zoocha, YOU'RE FIRED!”
The initial aim of Alan Sugar's apprentice was to crush the dreams of thousands of potential rivals to Lord Sugar's esteemed Jewishness, taking on the most jewish as his bitch. However, it became apparent that the only people in Britain that know business terminology are not Jewish, but in fact a rare breed of Bullshitter that do their best to act like a nonce at least 89.3% of the time. Realizing this, Alan Sugar turned the show into a reality show, retaining the title 'The Apprentice' but changing the premise to 'Watch me fire a bunch of knobheads on TV! It's better than The X Factor!'.
Alan Sugar owns a large cloning facility underneath the Galapagos islands and has a different clone present the apprentice every week. The only way to distinguish an Anal Sugar Clone from Alan Sugar is the fact that the clones have three nipples where sir Alan Sugar has four.
The clone that does the best at his assignments, be they over-the-table jobs or under-hand jobs, gets to survive till the next season & gets an official fourth nipple painted on by a branding iron.
If your reading this then your probably already fired and you dont know it. Knock on the Sugar Daddys door and tell him your working for Branson anyway.