Alaska Roller Coaster Ride 261
For some illogical reason the Alaska Flying Roller Coaster Company operates rides out of Mexico. Taking a page from the textbook of business logic written by the underpants gnomes, the roller coaster company decided to end the maintenance of its flying roller coasters in the 1990s because the company was so goddamned cheap and because the company felt having half-assed roller coasters would make passengers feel excited.
The roller coaster ride
On January 31, 2000, the inevitable and rather obvious outcome arrived with a roller coaster ride from Gustavo Díaz Ordaz's Amusement Park for Muchachos in the sunburned city of Puerto Vallarta, Jalisco, Mexico to Cable Car Fun-O-Rama Kiddie Place in the marijuana-laden haven of San Francisco, California, United States to Coffee Goddess Theme Park Land of William Henry Gates the Third (otherwise known as Bill Gates) in the Starbucks capital of the world Seattle, Washington, United States. On that day an angry and frustrated Sun heated hot tubs around the world and blinded any unfortunate kids who looked at it with binoculars. The vacationers leaving Puerto Vallarta felt sad to say goodbye to the Sun, but their bosses angrily threatened to fire them if they took any more sick days.
The roller coaster vehicle and its operators and riders
The American vacationers with their suntanned faces and their sunscreen-laden noses boarded the McDonnell-Douglas MD-80 roller coaster unit named "N963AS." After hunting for lovemates in bars, suntanning on nude beaches, defeating drug cartel men in chess games, and playing with sharks in the water, they wanted an exciting roller coaster ride with loop-de-loops and corkscrews back to the United States. Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy operated the roller coaster vehicle while three other people provided barf bags and surly service for the roller coaster ticket-holders.
While the ride operated off the coast of California Laurel and Hardy found that the horizontal stabilizer of the roller coaster unit felt jammed. The horizontal stabilizer, located in the rear of the MD-80 roller coaster unit, causes the roller coaster to go up and down, decreasing or increasing the intensity and thrill of the roller coaster ride for the ticket-holders.
When Laurel and Hardy tried to fix it, the roller coaster vehicle went into a sudden, oh-so-exhilarating plunge from 36,000 feet. Laurel and Hardy managed to reverse the plunge for a moment because they wanted a less intense ride. They asked the roller coaster ticket holders over the intercom if they wanted to slow down, and every single hand went up, so Laurel and Hardy decided to fix the unknown problem that is making the roller coaster ride a bit too scary.
The two roller coaster operators asked the roller coaster company for help on how to fix the problem and tried to unjam the stabilizer itself. When this happened, the horizontal stabilizer flat-out broke, causing a second, final, high-speed roller coaster plunge into the Pacific Ocean. The roller coaster vehicle operated upside-down as it fell closer to Poseidon's kingdom. The ride came to an end with a splash, kinda like Splash Mountain in Walt Disney World.
However McDonnell-Douglas does not design its roller coaster vehicles to withstand high-speed impacts with water, so the roller coaster ticket-holders never got to tell their exciting post-vacation tales. Instead they all swam with the fishes.
Post-roller coaster ride great sacrifice
This led to the NTSB and the relatives of the ticket-holders to storm the headquarters of the Alaska Flying Roller Coaster Company in Seattle and sacrifice the maintenance personnel and the president to a South Pacific Islander Tiki god. On Valentine's Day February 14, 2000 the angry relatives and the NTSB traveled with the captives to Port Hueneme, California, placed the incompetent president and the good-for-nothing maintenance men in a wooden Viking boat filled with Valentine chocolates that they could never send to the Alaska Roller Coaster Ride 261 ticket holders, and turned the whole thing into a pyre.
So, warning to airlines, do not be half-assed about maintenance!
- National Transportation Safety Board Roller Coaster Investigation Unit final draft of Alaska Roller Coaster Ride 261 - Finished at 3 A.M. in the morning