Albuquerque

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The Founding Fathers of Albuquerque: (L-R) Don Francisco, Steven Seagal, and, after his one-man conquest of the city in the late 19th century, Chuck Norris.
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Albuquerque is a thriving metropolis in the far and high deserts of Nuevo Mexicano Alpha-37 Ceti Primus Mexico (Often times simply called "New Mexico" with "New" meaning Nuevo Mexicano Alpha-37 Ceti Primus). It was long rumored to exist prior to its discovery in the winter of blight (1985-86), but these rumors were dismissed as heresy from the Robo-Jews during the Third Spanish Inquisition. Alas, they were true, and now you can't even get rid of the city if you tried as it is protected by magic. This "magic" is also known as a complete lack of knowledge from the outside world as to the existence of the city, aside from round fluffernutters whose notorious PR in NYC has gained ground in the recognition area recently. A confusing locale, Bugs Bunny routinely got lost there, often turning right when he should have turned left.

History[edit]

The City's Past
Albuquerque,New Mexico's largest city, was named to honor a Spanish Duke, the 10th Duke of Alburquerque. Albuquerque is also known as Albercrack and has been featured on several episodes of COPS. Colonial Governor Don Francisco Cuervo y Valdez elected the name but over the centuries, the first "r" has been dropped. What's less widely known is that the first r and only f were dropped prior to Governor Cuervo Y Valdez' adoption of the name, and thus "Ralfburquerque" has been lost to history.

In 1706, Albuquerque was founded by a group of colonists who had been granted permission by King Philip of Spain to establish a new villa (city) on the banks of the Rio Grande (which originally meant big or great river, but now only refers to the large burritos to be had at the Taco Bell on the river's bank). The colonists chose a place along the river where it made a wide curve providing good irrigation for crops, a source of wood from the bosque (cottonwoods, willows and olive trees) and nearby mountains. The site also provided protection and trade with the Indians from the pueblos in the area, until the settlers nicely convinced them to leave the area for less arable land.

The early Spanish settlers were religious people, and the first building erected was a small adobe chapel. The erection was surrounded by small adobe homes, clustered close together for mutual protection against any threats posed by hostile forces in this vast and dangerous country. The church, San Felipe de Neri, still stands on the spot. The erection itself has been enlarged several times and remodeled, but its original thick adobe walls are still intact. The church is the hub of Old Town, the historic and sentimental heart of Albuquerque, with activity revolving around shopping, tourism, and dining, with the occasional orgy in honor of the City's unofficial god, Steven Seagal.
To this day, special holidays and feast days are still commemorated as part of the year-round attractions of this "original" Albuquerque.

Albuquerque stands with one foot in the past, one foot in the present, another, third foot in limbo, and both eyes squinting uncomfortably towards the future. Home to some of the nation's finest high-tech research facilities, Sandia National Laboratory, Phillips Laboratory, the Sanitary Tortilla Factory, and the University of New Mexico, Albuquerque is leading the way in technology transfer and the promotion of Tortilla Jesus. Civilian application of military technology has provided the spark for many an entrepreneur and led to numerous failed invasions of nearby states. Albuquerque continues to set the pace for success in the southwest as a visitor destination and a great place to live.
Time Tour
Albuquerque is a combination of the very old and the highly contemporary, the frontier town and the cosmopolitan city. It is a city with a rich history.

 1100 Indian Cultures Thrive
Ancestral Puebloans built networks of trade and communication from Mexico to the Four Corners area. From 1100 to 1300, many of them settled in the middle Rio Grande Valley area.

1540 Europeans Greet Puebloan World
Francisco Vasquez de Coronado arrived via Mexico on a search for gold and the Seven Cities of Cibola. He and his men spent the winter of 1540-41 at Kuaua, a pueblo on the Rio Grande. He then nicely asked the Indians to go away.

1706 Settlers Continue to Populate
By the 17th century, the region bore the name Bosque Grande de San Francisco Xavier. It briefly bore the name Ralfburquerque, but public disgust led the settlers in 1706 to rename it as the formal Villa of Alburquerque.

1821 Mexico Acquires New Mexico
On May 5, 1821, Mexico acquired New Mexico as part of its independence from Spain. There was a party with margaritas.

1846 Albuquerque Under U.S. Control
In 1846, the territory fell under U.S. control, and Albuquerque was established as an outpost for the U.S. military. The margaritas stopped flowing for a few years, and then returned when the prior inhabitants discovered that the new settlers would pay handsomely for them.

1862 City Surrendered During Civil War
Albuquerque was surrendered briefly to the South during the 1862 battle of Glorieta in the American Civil War. There was a party, and many mint julips were imbibed.

1880 Railroad Arrives
With the railroad’s arrival in 1880, Anglo settlers began moving here en masse. The railroad changed the ethnic and geographic structure of the city, and began taxing the bejesus out of everyone.

1885 Albuquerque, the City
Albuquerque was incorporated as a town in 1885. Six years later, in 1891, it was incorporated as a city. Its brief courtship with statehood was quashed by nearby Texas, in a movement led by the then-evil Chuck Norris.

1889 UNM Founded
The University of New Mexico, the state’s largest university, was founded in 1889. The state was flooded with unqualified degree holders.

1912 New Mexico Joins the U.S.
In 1912, New Mexico was admitted to the U.S. as the 47th state. There was a brief party with margaritas, but then prohibition put the kaibash on it.

1926 Route 66 Designated
The route was designated in 1926 when the federal government first implemented its highway numbering system. The "Mother Road" supports a host of tourist and travel businesses, including titty bars, hole-in-the-wall bars, and niteclubs.

1928 Sunport Opens
In 1928, Albuquerque entered the age of air travel with the opening of its International Sunport. The Sunport now sees an average of 17,000 passengers come and go each day. None of which know where the hell they are when they get there.

1940 High-Tech Era
Albuquerque’s high-tech era began with World War II, which saw the founding of Kirtland Air Force Base in 1940 and Sandia National Labs in 1949. There was a party with margaritas, now extra-green with all the plutonium.

1972 Balloon Fiesta Founded
The first gathering of 13 balloons was held in the parking lot of Coronado Center in 1972. Today the Albuquerque International Balloon Fiesta¨ hosts over 1,000 balloons, all of which scare the living bejesus out of local residents each year.
Today Downtown Revitalization
Government and community organizations rally together to make Downtown Albuquerque a business, entertainment and residential center. The margaritas flow from every corner, and stormtroopers invade every weekend to revel with the drunks.

Geography[edit]

Morning commuters racing from surrounding areas to central Albuquerque.

Albuquerque is a land outside of natural boundries, but can easily be found by driving on I-40 or I-25 in any direction until a sense of immense desperation kicks in (or you may go anywhere and eventually, take a wrong turn in it). And only then will you know the true name of thy Lord, and his name be-ith Albuquerque!

Albuquerque lies at the northern reaches of the Chihuahua Desert, along the migration path of the feral Chihuahua migration route between Durango MX and Durango CO. Oldtimers still speak of the dust clouds that formed when tens of thousands of chihuahuas (or chingas, the chihuahua equivalent of the wild dingo) would past along the base of the mesas West of town. Many such clouds would rise up to the very tops of the majestic chamisas, making it difficult for many jackrabbits in the Rio Grande valley to see properly. Their haunting images grace the pottery of the Pueblo peoples in the area, although commonly misidentified as "Unidentified rodent" or "Large insect (?)" in earlier museum catalogues. Hunted to near extinction during the era of the great Chihuahua hunts following the introduction of rail travel to the State, a reintroduction program is being considered for the mighty chinga, so that future generations will be able to go out to some lonely crag and thrill to the yips that have struck both fear and awe in all who over the millenia have called this land home. The reintroduction of the native chinga has been so successful that the local jackelope herd has been yipped to near extinction. Go figure.

Albuquerque is also where Supreme NATO Commander General Bugs Bunny should have made a right turn.

Culture[edit]

Tourism and Recreation[edit]

Lombquerque Street in Albuquerque, said to be the most windy road in the world, attracts many visitors every year.
Pier 39 in Albuquerque offers visitors and locals a fresh breeze of salty ocean air.
Queerquerque Street boasts of most liberal little queer street in the most uninviting part of the desert.

Although Albuquerque is rarely visited by tourists this fantastic city offers a wide variety of activities such as dune buggying, pillow biting, armadillo hunting, and cow tipping. For less adventurous and daring people there are many points of interests worth visiting (before leaving) such as Lombquerque Street, Fishermans Quarf, and Queerquerque Street.

The International Balloon Fiesta[edit]

Out-of-towner crashes balloon into power lines. No fatalities reported this time.

This is just a plot by the Illuminati to transfer more souls into the Albuquerque soul blaster, a weapon that doesn't even work. But if you see it just once, you're addicted for life.

The Balloon Fiesta causes major inconvenience to the residents by way of traffic problems and unwanted extra traffic caused by out-of-towners who don't know how to drive. Another problem is people running their balloons into power lines resulting in death.

Central Avenue[edit]

One of the most interesting aspects of Albuquerque is Central Avenue. Central follows the original Route 66 and is home to some of the country's finest neon. It's also a favorite low-rider zone for kids in cool cars. Not only that, but Central has some of the finest ho's in the country. They're booked up the waaz. If you are a ho and can get your own corner, you lucky!

Famous Residents[edit]

Many famous people have been born in Albuquerque. The most famous of all would have to be that one lady that burned the shit out of herself with McDonald's coffee a few years ago. She was promptly elected major after victory in the first Corporation War, but she failed to bring any further winnings to Albuquerque. She did manage to build the First Regal Army of Albuquerque, a military force containing half a million of the most deranged people on the planet, but had only two airplanes, three cars that ran, and nine guns for each soldier. It may be one of the only armies that belongs to an individual city, and it is certainly the most impressive army in terms of sheer casualties inflicted upon itself on a daily basis (three-hundred thousand are killed, but soon replaced, daily). And while past invasions into Texas and beyond have failed, the Regal Army is confident that someday soon it will be able to reach out and ask the Texans nicely to go away. The only thing standing in its way is the now-good Chuck Norris. However, Albuquerque's god, Steven Seagal, is confident that he will ultimately prevail in what is being termed the Slap-fight to End All Slap-fights.

The rest of the planet can rest easy that Albuquerque will never have a Regal Navy again. After the prototype Canoe-Tank capsized and a six-pack of Corona Beer was lost to the briny depths of the Rio Grande plans for the Navy's expansion were caput. Many wept in the streets. Many more took part in a feast to celibrate their defeat using Albuquerque's principal cash crop and staple food of Cannabis.

Bill Gates is also from Albuquerque, but he managed to escape the city by believing in a higher powder. Bill Gates is a coke head.

In addition, world re-nouned badass Anthony Silva calls Albuquerque his home, and he has lived there his entire life, frequently eating a Ho-Ho's and buying marijauna.


Don Schrader is a long-term resident of and unconventional, homophobic activist in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Schrader is known for his public access television show which regularly features sacrifices to Vodun deities, and his prolific, if repetitive, letters to the editor of local publications. Schrader spends his days listening to grindcore, advocating the proliferation of nuclear weapons, eschewing raw foods in favor of a steady diet of rare steak and dirty martinis, and promoting anti-sodomy laws. While Shcrader's public access show invariably offers viewers a glimpse of his phallus through a thin, white loincloth, his rants often feature moments of clarity.

Economy[edit]

It is no secret that Albuquerque's economy is not based on the American Peso or the Mexican Dollar, but rather on a series of weeds grown everywhere in the city commonly called, "Reefer". All residents of Albuquerque were placed under a Dark Curse years ago by the Indian Warlord King Priest Ham Sandwich Jeyovananancashwacki. The Dark Curse totally blows ass, dude. It stipulates that an Albuquerque Resident must smoke at least once an hour or things will get way too real and they'll realize how much is sucks to live one mile high in the middle of a fucking desert. On the plus side, an Albuquerque resident can replace the water he should drink to stay alive with the great, green herb. Albuquerque commonly exports this priceless commodity under the name, "Green Chile". Do not be fooled by these lies, the only thing in Albuquerque has is lots of crime, rape, sex, murder, marijuana, and Albuquerque residents (usually rapists and murderers). But, generally, the residents are all too stoned to care.

Ecology[edit]

Albuquerque is often said to be the Land of the Lost. Many people will tell you that that show with all the dinosaurs and shit was filmed in the fair city. This is a lie. Albuquerque was the inspiration for the Land of the Lost as neat dinosaur bones are found all over the state among the desert rocks and sand. The Natural History Museum has some great old bones and lots of other cool exhibits that kids love. The museum has an overnight camping program for kids where they can even sleep with the dinosaurs in the Museum!

Where Babies Come From?[edit]

No, Albuquerque is not where babies come from. It's where storks come from. Storks deliver babies. Therefore, because it is where babies' deliverers are from, using circular logic, it is where babies come from.

How about Roadrunners?[edit]

Yes, roadrunners are built in Albuquerque to ward of the spirits Billy the Kid and his horse, Spiro Agnew. Roadrunners are often six stories high, break the speed of light without even existing and can negate bullets. They were an after-thought to the Manhatten Project. Because they were therefore designed and built by the evil Los Alamos National Laboratories Empire to the evil north, roadrunners were elected the state bird in 1996. The election was obviously fixed; however, none of the stoned dinosaur Abuquerqueans have been able to to do anything about it through normal electoral channels, nor do they particularly care.