Alec Baldwin

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The great and wise
Alexander Baldwin III.

Alexander "Alec" Baldwin III (born April 3, 1958) is an American film and television actor. He is widely regarded by colleages and critics as one of the greatest actors of his generation, and was nominated for the Academy Award, the Golden Globe, and the Screen Actor's Guild Award for his performance in... in... a critically and commercially successful film. Among Baldwin's more notable media appearances, he has hosted Saturday Night Live 346 times, even going so far as to acquire copies of old episodes and digitally edit himself into them.

He is the oldest (and most successful) of the Baldwin brothers, a family of actors whose talents diminish more and more with every brother. Baldwin was also married to Kim Basinger when she could still act, but later divorced her when he realized she no longer possessed the coveted ability. He has since maintained an intense hatred of her, and reportedly smashes his TV screen with a baseball bat whenever her image appears.

Baldwin is also known for being a longtime sufferer of the Malkovich disease, where an actor is constantly celebrated and revered by society, even though no-one has seen, or can remember seeing any of the suffering star's films.

Stage Career

For the humourless among us, the Scientists at Wikipedia have an article about Alec Baldwin.
At least... I think it was about him.

Alec Baldwin made his Broadway debut in 1986, in a revival of... a well renowned and famous play. His other theatre credits include... erm... several other critically lauded plays...erm... A Streetcar Named Desire... that's one... I think he got a Tony Award for that one... I'm not sure what character he played... probably the same one that Marlon Brando did. Baldwin also appeared in Macbeth... possibly as Macbeth himself, but Liev Schrieber was also in it, and he's really good at Shakespearean stuff... do you remember him in X-Men Origins: Wolverine? He kicked ass in that. I wonder if Alec Baldwin was in Wolverine... If he was, I can't remember him...

Film and Television Career

Alec Baldwin in his short stint as a
bad motherf***er.

Baldwin's first major role was on the daytime soap opera The Doctors from 1980 to 1982. In the fall of 1983 he starred in the short lived television series Cutter to Houston. He then shot to stardom in the television series Knots Landing from 1984 to 1986... You're right... I don't remember these TV Shows either... Or at least, I don't remember him in them...

Baldwin was apparently in Tim Burton's epic Goth-Masterpiece Beetlejuice. Now, I know that Beetlejuice was played by Michael Keaton, who was awesome... so that rules him out... maybe he was the Dad... but I always thought that was Bill Pullman... or was it Jeff Daniels??? He also appeared in Working Girl... Now I KNOW that was Harrison Ford.

In a brief but purportedly memorable role, Baldwin played a ferocious sales executive in Glengarry Glen Ross. Originally an award-winning play by volatile linguist David Mamet, his part was added specifically for the film-version. It also starred Al Pacino, Jack Lemmon, Kevin Spacey, Alan Arkin, Ed Harris and Jonathan Pryce... so excuse me if I have difficulty remembering him in this star-studded ensemble cast.

In 1994, Baldwin did what most actors do when they need some mainstream exposure, and decided to take on his first superhero movie in The Shadow. The film made $48 million but was still considered a commercial failure due to apparently no-one seeing it even though ticket-sales would indicate otherwise.

Between the years of 1998 and 2002, Baldwin decided that his fame was getting too much for him to handle, and so took on the less-mainstream role as the US narrator for the children's TV series, Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends, narrating all 52 episodes of seasons 5 and 6.

Alec Baldwin, representing for the Film Actors Guild.

After this, Baldwin then tried to increase his memorability among audiences by shifting his focus onto character acting. This change in style led to an Academy-Award nomination for his performance in The Cooler. No... I've never seen it either. He also appeared in the Martin Scorsese films The Aviator and The Departed. No, that was Martin Sheen who played the police captain. Baldwin played that guy who calls Matt Damon a health freak for not smoking... possibly.

He is also a prolific voice actor, having provided his instantly recognisable dulcet tones in films and TV shows such as Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within, and ermmmm... Clerks: The Animated Series. He also appeared in 2 episodes of Friends as Phoebe's overly-enthusiastic boyfriend, Parker. YEAAAAAHHHH!!! WE CAN ACTUALLY REMEMBER THAT ONE!

Currently, Baldwin stars in the Emmy award-winning NBC Sitcom 30 Rock. Although neither you, I, or anyone we know has seen it, he has received numerous honours for his work as TV Exec. Jack Donaghy, including two Golden Globe awards and two Screen Actor's Guild awards. He was again nominated for the Emmy for Best Actor in a Television Comedy or Musical in 2007, for the role but lost to untalented, tubby comedian, Ricky Gervais.

Apparently, Alec Baldwin even lends his acting talent to video games.

Scientists at MIT have been working for several years on a thesis of why his film career is entirely unrecognisable, yet critically celebrated. Unfortunately, it yielded few results as to the reasons for the occurrence of the Malkovich disease. However, through extensive research, they did manage to compile a list of Baldwin's movies that may have a good chance of being seen and having his role in them recognised by your average movie-goer. The list is as follows:

Personal Life

Bad Father? F*** you!
Go home and play with your kids...

In 1990, he met his wife Kim Basinger, apparently the only actress who's existence he was aware of at the time. They married in 1993. Basinger and Baldwin have a daughter, Ireland Eliesse "Addie" Baldwin (born October 23, 1995). In 2001, they filed for divorce, citing Basinger's unhappiness over their marriage, as well as being unsatisfied with the naming of their daughter, which she originally wanted to call Grace, but lost the rights to naming in a coin-toss whilst giving birth. Since then, the two have been locked in a contentious battle of dissing each other through media interviews.

A Promise to Ourselves

In 2008 Alec Baldwin published a self-help book for divorced fathers dealing with bitchy, vindictive ex-wives, entitled A Promise to Ourselves. In it, Baldwin details several of the tricks and dirty tactics an ex-wife may use in her scheme to screw her husband's right to child access, including refusing to discuss parenting, blocking visitation (literally, by barricading the house doors and windows), not providing telephone access by lying that their daughter has developed an acute case of "Telephobia", not following court orders, not dropping their daughter off for reasons of it being inconvenient, and making their daughter repeat every night before going to bed "My father is evil and the spawn of Satan".

That's Public Enemy #1 to you, pal!

After advice and counseling from his close friend and drug-users anonymous sponsor, Christian Bale, Baldwin left a voice mail message on his daughter's phone:

"Once again, I have made an ass of myself trying to get you to a phone. You have made an ass out of me for the last time. Just remember THREE letters: A-B-A.
A: Always
B: Be
A: Answering.
Always be answering. Always be answering.
Next, remember AIDA. Attention. Interest. Decision. Action.
Attention. Do I have your attention?
Interest. Are you interested? I know you are 'cause it's pick up the phone or you get your ass straightened out. You either answer now or you get hit with a brick!
Decision. Have you made your decision to pick up the phone?
And Action.
You can say what you want.
I didn't dial the f***ing numbers for him...
You got a call coming in, you think I made it because I've got nothing better to do? I could be shouting s*** at random people on the street, but I'm calling you. I don't care that you're twelve or eleven or whatever, are you big enough to pick it up? I'm a good father, and you're a pig.
I don't give a s***. Bad father? You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you thoughtless pain in the ass? I'm just starting to get mad you daughter-of-a-b****. SO YOU GET MAD! You know what it takes to answer my call? It takes brass balls to answer my call. Go and get some. The phone is ringing, you pick it up, it's yours! If you don't, I got no sympathy for you. I'd wish you good luck, but you wouldn't know what to do with it. You better be ready Friday the 20th to meet with me, little pig, before I blow the roof of your trailer trash McMansion. Oh, also, tell your mother I said "Go F*** yourself." This is Dad, ring me back when you get a chance."

In his book, he writes that he regretted his decision in leaving this voice-mail message. Although the two are still good friends, he light-heartedly blames Christian Bale for the incident, and said it would not have happened if Bale had not convinced him to go on a binge trip with him to Tijuana, Mexico. Baldwin has since got even with Bale when he subtly suggested to him that the Director of Photography on Terminator Salvation needed sorting out for constantly moving around whilst filming in the middle of the scene. Baldwin then quickly alerted the sound technician that Bale was going to do something really funny, and that he should turn the recording equipment on so they could post it on the internet. Bale has since taken the practical joke in his stride and still remains good friends with Baldwin.


Iraq was a nice place before George Bush invaded. You used to be able to get an Iraqi Cola any time you wanted...

Baldwin is known by many[who?] for his strong political views and ideals. He is part of a large union of liberal actors, including George Clooney and Brad Pitt, who regularly criticise any action taken by a Republican Politician. When Harry Whittington was shot in the face by Dick Cheney and survived, Baldwin was quick to comment.

“HA! I always knew that Republicans can't aim. If it were me with that Shotgun, you wouldn't be able to recognise him.”

~ Alec Baldwin on an inept Republican

He has since blamed George Bush for 9/11 for no apparent reason, labelled Arnold Schwarzenegger a war-mongering, steroid-addled dictator, and called Matt Drudge a "complete faggot." No-one actually asked him for his opinions on these people when he expressed them, and at first no-one took any notice, as they did not recognise who he was till he bluntly told them "I am Alec Baldwin, the greatest actor in the world, and therefore have a deeper understanding of politics than anyone could dream of."

In 2004, Baldwin represented the Hollywood Liberal Party and the Film Actors Guild in the Michael Moore documentary, Team America: World Police, giving his views on how badly the Republican party conducted the War on Terrorism. He is seemingly killed at the end of it, yet has since gone on with his life and career as though nothing has happened. Possibly it wasn't him... I can't remember. At the end of the film he was credited as Arec Barwin... maybe it was another brother I don't know about.

See Also


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