Alfred E. Neuman

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H.E. Sir Alfred E. Neuman, JP, OBE, AT&T
For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article very remotely related to Alfred E. Neuman.

“Alfred E. Newman thinks that potrzebie was a nickname for Chopin”

“If opera is entertainment, then falling off a roof is transportation!”

“Who wants YOU??”

Alfred Edsel Neuman, JP, OBE, AT&T, is the Founder and Editor-for-life of Mad Magazine. Alfred’s philosophy of “What, Me worry!?” has effected the lives of millions of Earthlings for billions of years through-out American history. Neuman is a former Candidate for the US Presidency, and he is, in fact, the real “power behind the office of US President” regardless of who appears to win the elections. Alfred E. Neuman is the principle Deity of adoration by the Illuminati, and is considered the most influential person in history by Sergio Aragones, Lou Dobbs, The Rock, Paris Hilton (person), Frank Zappa, and Don Martin.


Since founding and starring in “Mad Magazine”, Neuman's picture, distinguished by similarity to Dan Quail and George Dubya Bush, has graced the cover of all of the magazine's issues.

Sergio Aragones first spotted the image on a Fresco fronting the office of the Federal Reserve. "It was a face that didn't have a care in the world, except mischief," recalled Aragones. Alfred was bankrolled by Aragones who obtained the original seed capital from the Bilderberg Group, thus enabling Neuman to set up Mad Magazine. The Illuminati's goal in founding this venture was to capture gullible teenage minds - a goal which they achieved for as long as Don Martin was aboard. In fact, many people confuse the name Don Martin with Alfred E. Neuman.

In November 1754.3 BS Neuman made his debut on the front cover of Mad special edition for mental institutions. Neuman's next appearance was in the Dead Sea Scrolls, and later in the Bible (before it was tampered with by the Zorastrians in the Winter of 27.4 AD).

Neuman’s signature phrase "What, me worry?"©®†zoso started with the December 56.2 ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) issue, and was adopted as MOTTO by Illuminati in 18th Century Bavaria, as it still is today.

Alfred E. Neuman’s secret identity

Missing tooth[edit]

It is a little known fact that Alfred E. Neuman did not have his front tooth knocked out by Roberto Duran in a bar brawl. In reality, Neuman had his tooth removed by a pre-historic dentist as a fashion statement aimed at the 1960s AD Counter-culture.

Neuman’s Secret Identity[edit]

Later Neuman's identity became an open secret when he was photographed meeting Barak Obama at an Illuminati (Federal Reserve) meeting of the Trilateral Commission, Bilderberg, Rockefeller, and Rothschilds groups, at the Holiday Inn, Takoma, when they planned the next step toward establishment of the New World Order leading to the United States of Earth. Beginning with flooding the Middle East to Biblical proportions, the plan is already afoot. And the world can rest easy knowing that Alfred E. Neuman has no worries.

Presidential Ambitions[edit]

President of the United States of Earth

Since his initial unsuccessful run in 56 BS, he has repeatedly been nominated as a candidate for President of the United States with the slogan, "You could do worse... and always have!" Conspiracy theory states that all these campaign losses are, actually, a diversion to distract from the fact that Alfred E. Neuman is the real "power behind global events." The Presidential winners are only decoys.

Sex Symbol[edit]

Neuman's ubiquity as a grinning cover boy on Playgirl’s April 1642 AD issue quadrupled the magazines readership. An XXX rated home video of Alfred being fucked by Paris Hilton (they over-charged for room-service) has been around for ages. Some porno shops and newsstands that normally carried Mad chose not to display or sell this VDO.


The simple fact is that Alfred E. Neuman is God (Ref. Live Sea Scrolls) and will only die at the end of his life. Which will never happen as long as he lives. The eternal existence of Neuman is the primary reason why he is worshiped by insane people and teenagers (what's the difference?) throughout the ages.


Neuman is now used exclusively as mascot and iconic symbol of the Bavarian Illuminati, but before this status was codified, he wrote an advice colume. In one, Neuman answered a letter from a suicidal reader by giving "expert advice" on the best technique for tying a hangman's knot. Other articles featured a bulletin from "Alfred E. Neuman University" in Ufo, New Mexico.

Family Tree[edit]

"Alfred E. Neuman's Family Tree" appears to be the Theory of Devolution, and he has appeared in the past as - President Lyndon Johnson, Richard Nixon, Joe Pesci, Ronald Reagan and Jack Bauer. The gap in his teeth comes from his incarnation of Dwight Eisenhower and came from "The 'Credibility Gap' Created by Practically All Humans."

Alfred E. Neuman Quotes[edit]

  • "What, Me Worry?"
  • "A college jock is someone who minds his build instead of vice versa!"
  • "How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?"
  • "I didn't tell them, but they DID listen."
  • "A teacher is someone who talks in our sleep!"
  • "Blood is thicker than water... but it makes lousy lemonade!"
  • "Getting old is when a narrow waist and a broad mind change places!"
  • "How come we choose from just two people for President, and fifty for Miss America?"
  • "If opera is entertainment, then falling off a roof is transportation!"
  • "If you repeat the same grade once you're a dummy-if you repeat it 20 times you're a teacher"
  • "In retrospect it becomes clear that hindsight is definitely overrated!"
  • "It takes one to know one -- and vice versa!"
  • "It's funny how no one is ever so busy that they can't find the time to complain.
  • "Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease!"
  • "Most people are so lazy, they don't even exercise good judgment!"
  • "Most siblings won't share anything except embarrassing stories about you!"
  • "Nowadays, a balanced diet is when every McNugget weighs the same!"
  • "People who borrow will take anything-but a hint"
  • "Politicians are always trying to convince you that they can solve the unemployment problem if you'll just give them a job!"
  • "Prison inmates are treated to cable TV, hot meals and a college education, while on the outside some people can only afford these things through a life of crime!"
  • "Talk is cheap-but say the wrong thing to your parents and it'll cost you!"
  • "Teenagers are people who act like babies if they're not treated like adults!"
  • "Thank's to the new welfare bill, the question "Paper or plastic?" now refers to many American's sleeping arrangements!"
  • "The only advantage to living in the past is that the rents are much cheaper!"
  • "The suburbs are where they cut down all the trees and then name streets after them!"
  • "The U.N. is a place where governments opposed to free speech demand to be heard!"
  • "Today, if you ask a car dealer to let you see something for 10 grand, he'll show you the door!"
  • "What Goes up must come down...except, it seems these days, the cost of living!"
  • "Who says nothing is impossible? Some people do it every day!"
  • "You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train!"
  • "The problem with learning from experience is that you always get the test before the lesson."
  • "I'm totally going nuts and I just learned I never had any. Did I have a sex change?"

See also[edit]