Alfred the Great
The Invention of History
Alfred invented history in 875 with the creation of the first newspaper, The Anglo Saxon Chronicles, which reported everything and anything.
Philosophically speaking (here we go) if something has not been written down or recorded then it cannot be proved to have ever existed at all. It is widely accepted that anyone who attempts to disprove the view by use of memory or evidence is a hoaxer or a bastard, and should be treated as such (eg. eaten alive by armadillos, drowned in own bodily fluids, castrated with a rusty potato peeler). therefore, since there are no written records from Roman times to Alfred, nobody existed. It is also safe to assume that Britain did not exist.
Thus it was that Alfred created history as we know it, because if we didn't know it then it wouldn't exist, would it (don't mess with the theory: remember the potato peeler)?
The Defeat of The Vikings
It had been a long tradition of the Vikings (since 875) to savage the shores of Britain, and they derived great pleaure in doing so. It was customary for them to travel from their native, peaceful farmland Scandinavia by wonderfully constructed boats and glide them across the fair shores of this green and pleasant land (not to be confused with Greenland, which is neither green, nor, technically speaking, land, since it is comprised of a mass of boyant objects made by Canada so that it could have something to look down upon and laugh at) where they could rape buildings and pillage the monks, kill men, women, pigs, hens, cockroaches, bees, antelopes, Vikings and mice.
Although a popular pastime, this practice was frowned upon by many of those who were still alive. As Alfred was king and really didn't have anything better to do, it was his task to see what could be done. He decided to construct the British navy, a massive flottila of ships and suchforth in the Bay of Biscay. All the ships moved out from the harbour, where they subsequently met with the Viking longshits at the battle of Trafalgar, where Alfred was wounded. After being hit by a Viking .9, Alfred was lain down on his deck by one of his boys, which he implored to 'kiss me, harder!'.
However, by the middle of the day the Vikings were shattered, after being decimated by ships, Saxons, boles, water cannon, Nelson, and other such things.
Until late into Alfred's reign, food was unprepared, and the people ate like animals. This was down to the fact that history had only been invented in 875 (remember that potato peeler, ok?), and so had had to rapdily scale up the rate of evolution. At this time they had only just invented fire, and had developed a semi-complex system of speech.
While Alfred was squatting in a wetland south of Summerset, he was asked by a housewife to look after a cake she had made, although why any such woman would invite any passing vagabond into her home, as well as trusting him with a cake, is a mystery. Evidently she was a retard. Anyhow, legend tells us how Alfred was dissatisfied with the raw cake, and heated it up. When the cake was suitably burnt, the housewife came back to find her cake suddenly edible, and set upon the king with wrath. However, Alfred told her that 'it's just a bit well done', although nothing could cool her incandescent temper.
It was there and then she gutted him with a pencil, and thus ended Alfred's long, illustrious reign.
He also suffered from piles, a lot. And mostly thanked god for them.
People To Have Drawn Inspiration From Alfred The Great
- Tony Blair's hair stylist
- Anyone to have ever been known as 'the great'
- Alfred The Greater (aka Alfred Hitchcock)
- English football fans
People To Have Never Drawn Inspiration From Alfred The Great
- The Welsh
- Anyone who was never referred to as 'the great'
- Winnie the Pooh (see above)
- The navy