Algar Sidious

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An illigitimate son of Emperor Palpatine, Algar Sidious or "Big Joe" as he likes to be called was born in a dumpster in an alleyway behind Jedi Headquarters in Houston. He climbed out, parentless, and learned quickly to adapt to his new environment. At the age of 9 he grew tired of eating trash and stole a laser-pointer from the nearby Radio Shack. He used the laser-pointer to blind homeless people on the street in which time he would then take out a laser-sword capable of cutting through anything except human flesh, metal, organic material, and legal documents. He would then use this weapon which he dubbed a "Qwazmic-Homo-Killer" or "Laser-Stabber" to beat the blinded homeless person to death. He would then roast their corpse and eat it while thinking about someday realizing his dream and traveling to Alaska to become a professional dog-feeder.

After enough beatings on homeless people he was soon awarded the Nobel George Bush Prize for cleansing Houston of all of its homeless people. He then used the reward money to go to Harvard where he receives his master’s degree in farming. He then traveled to Yew Nork to study professional surfing, as dog-feeding had lost its appeal. He lost interest in surfing too which lead him to enter into a 2,000 year-long mid-life crisis ending in him slipping down 30 flights of stairs while in the Jedi Headquarters and entered a coma. He woke up several years later finding out that he had destroyed all of the Jedi and that he had managed to clone an army of Hermaphrodites. He used these "Stormy Troops" to attack anyone who rebelled against him including his niece: Michael Jackson. His niece underwent several thousand magical transformations that, at that time, were called "surgeries." Michael Jackson was so hideous that he could kill anyone just by being near them. He wiped out the entire Hermaphrodite army just by having his picture on the news. He was later killed by George Q. Bush III for breaking the sacred law of never interrupting "Desperate Housewives" with meaningless news reports. Emperor Palpatine then became Darth Sidious and gained control of Massachusetts several years later. He then began the long and arduous project of building a humongous donut in space. This seemingly meaningless project consumed all of his money and he was forced to go back to the street-life of beating more homeless people in the hopes of getting more cash. He achieved his goal and changed his name when he became the founder of a multi-billion dollar industry called Microsoft. He, now known as William Gaylord Gates, continued his 'his humongous donut project until it was created in 1991. But soon after, it was destroyed by none-other than his clone who is only known as "Jared: The Subway Man." He grew jealous of Jared's ability to eat large quantities of food and amaze millions of people by doing so, so William, created a new army of teenage girls who suffer from anorexia to kill Jared. He hired General "Mary-Kate" Olson to lead the attack against Jared and his army of fat people. While the war raged on for the next 40 years, "Big Joe" would never see the end of it because he would be brought to a small-claims court where his grandmother would accuse him of statutory rape and sexual harassment. Judge Judy sentenced him to 5 minutes in prison and a fine of 60 yen. He paid his fine and did his time. He now lives in Xiang Xiang, China with his two daughters, Kamu Sutra and Poosadisious, his wife, Jim, and his dog; Sparky (he named everyone in his family after former girlfriends).