Alias (TV Series)

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Jennifer Garner is an alias that Keri Russell assumed to escape the 1999 riots causes by Felicity's fugly haircut

Television Show[edit]

General Overview[edit]

Alias is an Enema Award nominated American action television series based on the true story of a hot bony alien secret agent named Sydney Bristow. Premiering on ABC in 2001, its dramatic, genre-bending formula inspired such future franchises as “James Bond,” “Mission: Impossible,” and “Boohbah.”


The series came under fire in 2002 when it showed an episode.


Jennifer Garner as Sydney Bristow

Agent Sydney Bristow, after facial surgery in season 5. The series kept sucking anyway.

Jennifer Garner's man-face made her perfect for the role, since no one would ever believe that someone with a vagina could be a CIA agent. Her lips might be a little on the huge side, but this is good for preventing pain that can be to the rest of her face when she falls on it doing those ridiculous stunts . It serves the same purpose as air bags. Her ugly mug printed on all of the DVD covers helps decrease DVD sales of this show.

Victor Garber as Jack Bristow

Victor Garber was cast as a stunt because his last name is one letter away from Jennifer Garner's.

Ron Rifkin as Arvin Sloane

Ron Rifkin recently won the award for "wrinkliest old man in Hollywood." Before "Alias," Rifkin made a career out of starring in every depressing play ever written.

Michael Vartan as Michael Vaughn

Michael Vartan was hired onto "Alias" as part of ABC's anti-retardation-discrimination policy. Vartan changed the first name of his character to reflect his own first name, "Michael," because he was having trouble remembering the character's original name, "Sulaiman-Muta'al Vaughn." September 29th has been declared Vaughn Memorial Day in remembrance of this fine actor ('s career). The original actor lined up to play the role was England cricket captain Michael Vaughan, but he quit upon realising that even playing cricket was more interesting than the show.

Carl Lumbly as Marcus Dixon

Carl Lumbly is a regular cast member on "Alias," but has yet to appear on the program.

Kevin Weisman as Marshall Flinkman

Kevin Weisman does not exist. He is added in post-production using computer effects.

Greg Grunberg as Eric Weiss

Greg Grunberg is actually a thirteen-foot-long armadillo.


If inspected under a magnifying glass Alias is actually a touching, romantic love story. Man (Vartan) meets transvestite (Garner) sparks go crazy and they fall deeply in love (chocolate). However the couple consistently behave like your lame teenage brother, which results with both parties never confessing love to each other. They do engage in random spy sex and have an on and off relationship.

Although the program is suspected to have been axed, this is actually a widespread myth. New episodes are aired daily in Euthanasia where they are up to the 4,500.73rd episode. Sydney and Michael have broken up for the 5x + 3^10 and Sydney recently found out that her dear, loving, killing, blood sucking, lovely, mother is also Michael's awesome mother. The break up forced Vaughn (Michael) into the arms of Sydney's drop dead sexy father, whos ears are quite simply to die a sudden death for. This is a clever move by the writers to once again get the two back together for the 4.500.759393 time so they can have more spy sex, and perhaps spy babies who can carry on the Family secret business of selling the good stuff on a nice beach somewhere in Switzerland.

"The Man"[edit]

The Man was a villain on Alias for some time, although ironically it turned out the Man was the Woman. It was an easy mistake, however, as the actress portraying the character was Swedish and is believed to be related to actress Jennifer Garner. (offense to Lena Olin).

Famous Aliases Throughout History[edit]


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