Alice Springs

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Alice Springs, known as 'Alla Pring' is a desert town in the middle of the Northern Territory in Australia. Established in the 1800s as a Telegraph Station, it was named after some drunken bastsrd's slurry daughter, Alice. Identified as being 'the shit hole near the rock', Alice Springs is well known for its racial harmony, alcoholism, stabbings and poor standard of education systems.

Entertainment in Alice Springs[edit]

Alice Springs is a tourist town predominantly comprised of art galleries, pharmacies and petrol stations. Its limited sources of entertainment and night clubs forces many adolescents and teenagers to adopt unhealthy habits, such as alcoholism, dragging and gorilla bashing.

During the day, locals visit the town center to walk around, gossip, shop and eat at the shopping centre food courts. The town centre is made up of the Todd Mall, the Yippie Center and the Plaza. The Yippie Center is usually full of teenage mothers wearing track pants, pregnant teenagers, and just white trash people in general. Although the Plaza is an eating spot for psuedo wealthy middle aged people, the majority of its patrons are sleazy old guys and fifteen year old skanks who don't go to school.

On Friday and Saturday nights, the majority of young Alice Springians get smashed off their faces at such places as Bojangles (nicknamed 'Bo's'), Melankas (known affectionately by locals as 'Skankas') and the casino (fondly referred to as the 'Cas'). The local watering holes are popular spots to get hook ups and become so intoxicated that you end up throwing a meat pie from the servo across the road on your best friend. It is common for people to go to Rocky's Pizza at 1 am to get a kebab and in their drunken stupor, not realise the fat greasy European guy working there has just jizzed in it.

Major sources of entertainment include hanging out at the truck stop and the bakery. Many people go to the car wash to gloat about their cars and start arguments about whose vehicle is more superior. Subsequently, teenagers visit the Claypans and the quarter mile by the showgrounds to prove their masculinity by speeding in their shit house cars.

Major Events[edit]

There are several events and holidays throughout the year in Alice Springs which the locals make a really huge deal about because the town is pretty crap otherwise.

The Bangtail Muster is a May Day parade that travels down the Gap road and through the Todd Mall to Anzac Oval. The Muster is blatant advertisement for local organisations and businesses, preschools and social groups. A feared Viking group also pillages and rapes each May Day parade without fail; armed with large, sharp swords and huge guns, they parade around in their Viking outfits harrassing women and small children, and emasculating men. It is unknown where these Vikings originate from or where they preside - some say the leader is retired politican Peter Toyne, while others believe the gang is lead by that Aboriginal guy on CAMAA radio, Mary G.

Henley on Todd is held each year on the hottest day possible and involves grown men running around in boats constructed from cardboard and beer cans in the Todd River bed. It remains a popular event but some people stopped going after the council started charging you like, ten bucks for entry. What the hell was that for!?

The Show is an annual two day event. Each year in the June-July holidays, a bunch of carnies ride into town with their overly expensive and poorly designed rides, cheap soft toys and shitty hot food. Once the smelly carnies take advantage of the locals desperation and rob them of their money, they leave the desert town with their pockets bursting with coins and notes like stinky modern day pirates.