Alice in Wonderland
“Oh, Alice? She's fiveteen, right?”
“Remember what the Dormouse said, feed your head... feed your head!”
“Oh, look at that blue dress... She is red-hot!”
Alice In Wonderland is a screenplay written by Quentin Tarantino. It was intended to be for a movie directed by Robert Rodriguez. However, the project went into development hell and the screenplay was released as a stand-alone.
It garnered moderate success and was later adapted into a book called “Alice’s Adventures In Wonderland” by Lewis Carroll (under the pseudonym Charles Dodgson). It was once believed to be the true story of a high school girl who died of a drug overdose in the late 1960s; however, now, with the recent updates in history technology, scholars know that the "children's book" was created by Syd Barrett in attempt at self-arousal. Sentences such as, "Alice, having been too late for nothing, but having nothing more than nothing to be late about, decided that she was, all along, nothing, with similarly dreadfully nothing," combined with inane plots and silly animal characters were said to be among Syd's biggest turn-ons.
The story is told out of chronological order. It begins with Alice playing poker with a trio of dogs, a Dalmatian, Dog Soldier, and a Bichon Frisé. A Chow Chow sits in the corner smoking a cigar. The Dalmatian and Dog Soldier fold. Alice lays down a flush in hearts. The Bichon Frisé lays down a knave, a queen, a tudor, a headless horseman, and a 100 of Fuck You. Alice complains that the Bichon Frisé’s hand isn’t a true poker hand, to which the Bichon Frisé replies, “YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!” and shoves a tart down her throat. This makes her grow monstrously, as if affected by an enlargement spell. In horror, the Bichon Frisé, now known simply as Fritz, reads the jar from which he had pulled the tart. "Eat me..." he mumbles to himself, releasing his breakfast onto the floor. So Alice did just that. According to director, Lewis Carroll, this was the high point of the movie.
The opening credits are described as being overly long with 60’s spy-movie music played over psychedelic images of guns, blood, and a naked Alice whipping the Cheshire Cat's grin off with a sexy lasso. The music then changes into heavy geared metal to indicate a change of tone. If the screenplay had been made into a movie, this would have been the part where you fast forward.
How to Kill A Mocking Turtle (Courtroom Scene)
The film next opens in a courtroom. Alice is on trial for killing a mocking turtle. A finch named Atticus is her lawyer while the prosecution is the hands of Little 'Bo' (Beaudine) Peep who has dark secret involving sheep rustling . The witnesses include the March Hare, the Easter Bunny, and the Mad Hatter who is so angry that he trashes the entire courtroom. Because of this the Judge Judy calls for a recess and everyone goes out to the playground and plays on the slides and swings.
Then the bell rings and everyone has to come back in. Bo Peep decides to try on a passing pair of lesbian Traveling Pants which force her to leave the courtroom and head off into a different film. Judge Judy has to find a new lawyer for the prosecution . She has to decide between Jack '24 Hours' Rabbit or Boris the Meerkat but is then blown up by the Tigger Taliban in a daring attempt to disrupt American justice. In the confusion Alice is kidnapped by a pack of card playing dogs.
The next scene starts off by showing Alice as a young girl dealing narcotics and hacking into computers. One day after choosing to take a red pill, she finds herself inside a computer program created by American McGee. Inside the computer program, Alice meets a group of rabbits led by Hazel.P.Knutt (Art Garfunkel in a rabbit costume cameo) who are fleeing their soon to be destroyed warren. However, she eventually gets separated from them and finds herself pregnant in an L shaped room.
Inside the room there is a cake that says “eat me”, a bottle that says “drink me”, a blunt that says “smoke me”, a powder that says “sniff me”, and a kitten that says “sexually molest me”. Alice does all these things and turns into a Jabberwocky. This upsets her, so she begins to cry. She cries so much that her tears form a sea. She starts swimming and sees the Flying Dutchman in the far off distance. She swims to it, and the pirates that are aboard (who for some reason all happen to be very ugly babies) hoist her on to the ship.
The ship is full of pepper and causes Alice and the pirates to sneeze constantly. Their sneezes are so loud that the Wonderland Aquatic Police Eels (or WAPE) come and investigate the Dutchman. They threaten to arrest the entire crew after finding clams full of caterpillars filled with opium on the lower deck. However, all the pirates turn into pigs so the only one they arrest is Alice. The screenplay ends with an eel going down to the poop deck and slipping in poop. This apparently was written so that when the screenplay was made into a movie they could show some gross physical comedy in the commercials. Mostly fart jokes.
- Alice: The main character and heroine of the film, although this can often be questioned, along with her sanity. She is a hacker, stripper, arsonist and cheesemaker. Alice enters Wonderland via an over dug golf hole to follow the White Rabbit as she a fantasy about little animals wearing High Victorian fashion. By the end of the film, she seems to have gone completely mad and spends the last few minutes of the film sitting in an asylum ward laughing hysterically.
- White Rabbit: An idiotic but well dressed man who thinks he is a rabbit. He races around a lot, proclaiming he is late for whatever reason. He carries around a large pocketwatch which he consults to figure out the last time he had sex .Alice pursues him across Wonderland as she is mad for bunny style coupling but gives up on him when she learns the Queen of Hearts picked Bucky's cherry first. Alice kills the White Rabbit in the film's finale by strangling and hanging him with his own pocketwatch.
- Doorknob: A ridiculous talking door handle who does nothing in the film but sit on a door and make crude knob jokes.
- The Caucus Racers: A group of avian racers who run about trying to kill each other. The members include Mr.Mouse, Doctor Dodo , Mr.Psychoduck, Mr.Rainbow , Mr Orange, Mr. Juice and the round Mr He-Man . They wear dark shades in the film and all die in slow motion after they all 'win'.
- The Cheshire Cat: A demented grinning cat who can't ever stop smiling. He speaks in riddles and teleports around a lot. He explains to Alice that he was tortured and raped by a mad surgeon which ended up with him having a really bad botox injection on his mouth. He appears as a giant head to rape all the people in the Queen's court only to be killed by a blunderbuss fired by the King of Hearts which takes out all of his teeth.
- The Caterpillar: A highly intelligent but perverted caterpillar. He comes on to Alice during their meeting, although Alice surprisingly accepts his advantages. After they have an orgy, the Caterpillar becomes a butterfly and flies off, only to be swatted by a giant newspaper.
- The Beaver: The Beaver is Alice's brief lesbian love interest in the saga.
- The Duchess: A bizarre royal living in a ramshackle shed. She is a nice woman who means well but her guests are constantly hampered by her insane cook who mouths off a lot, smoke cigarettes made from paper and throws most people out of the window. The Duchess also has a hideous baby who transforms into a pig. This pig later returns as Tony Blair.
- Humpty Dumpty. The drug king pin. Sits on a wall most of the day eating junk food, farting, and deciding that he is the only one there who can talk in nonsense fluently.
- The Mad Hatter: The Mad Hatter is Alice's boyfriend whom she meets while attending a stag night party. The Mad Hatter, along with his bestial buddies the March Hare and Dormy, spike Alice's tea and then have sex with her on the extremely long teatable. The Mad Hatter returns in the trial scene where Alice learns he is actually the son of the Queen. Humiliated, Alice shoves a stick of dynamite into a tea cup which she sticks in the Mad Hatter's mouthing, causing his head to explode.
- March Hare & Dormy: The Mad Hatter's homies. The March Hare has no testicles and therefore cannot participate in the orgy with Alice and the Hatter. Instead, he decides to torture Dormy by drowning him in a teapot.
- The Queen of Hearts: Also known as the Queen of Farts, the Queen is obsessed with beheading people, as well as raping their headless bodies afterwards. She is very seductive and has seduced the White Rabbit, the Mad Hatter (who is actually her son) and even Alice. She enjoys playing croquet although the poor flamingos are often used for the Queen's happy time. She is eventually killed by Alice who pushes her under a falling guillotine.
- The King of Hearts: He is the Queen's husband. He kills the Cheshire Cat. Nuff said.
- Tweedledum & Tweedledee: A pair of pedophilic twins. The two meet Alice and have a double orgy with her. They then fight each other on who gets to have a sex with her first, both stabbing each other with knives.
- Mock Turtle: A crybaby who hates everybody and is rather emo.
- The Gryphon: A mythical winged creature with little brains but has a beautiful singing voice.
- Roy Chubby Brown: A homophobic black knight who was Alice's next door neighbour.
John Lennon wrote a soundtrack for the film, but since a movie was never made he released an album under the separate title, Yoko Ono May Have Mono. Notable songs include I Am The Carpenter, Working Class Lizard Named Bill, and Lobster Is the Crawfish of the World.
Alice in Wonderland was an inspiration for several musical groups as listed below.
- Alice Cooper featured a sex-changed Zombie and was the primary inspiration for the cross-dressing Goth movement.
- Alice in Chains was a performance group that popularized the idea of Alice as a bondage fetishist.
- Alice in Porno was a film based on Saori that showed Alice getting it on with three guys.
- WAD was a popular girl trio. The name stood for Wendy Neverland (wife and mother of Peter Pan), Alice (wife and mother of Lewis Carroll), and Dorothy (wife and mother of Toto). After the group was threatened with a lawsuit because its name had both an A and W, the group changed its name to Lost Girls.
- Lost Girls was begun by Wendy, Alice and Dorothy, but they were eventually replaced by Lindsey Lohan, Britney Spears and Miley Ray Cyrus.
Like many of Tarantino’s works, Alice in Wonderland was criticized for plagiarism. Works similar to Wonderland include Alice in Sexland, The Fast and the Curious, Waterworld, The Lord of the Rings, Finnegan's Wake, Citizen Kane, Donnie Darko, and The Cheshire-Cat Ain’t A Pussy, Bitch!
Alice in Sexland: The title and plot of this children’s anime show, based on the hentai manga of the same name, is very similar to Tarantino’s screenplay.
The Fast and the Curious: Released two years earlier, The Fast and the Curious was also a stand-alone screenplay. The original movie (which was also never finished) concerned Curious George getting into mischief after climbing into a Dodge Charger and racing Paul Walker. The screenplay was also adapted into a children’s book called The Man in the Yellow Hat Tears up the Streets of the Yellow Man.
Waterworld: The drink that says “drink me” looks very similar to the pee drink stuff that Kevin Costner drinks in Waterworld.
Lord of the Rings: The scene with the dogs playing poker is similar to a scene in The Lord of the Rings where two wargs play chess for Aragorn’s dead body. When one of the wargs speaks up and says that Aragorn fell off a cliff and they don’t have his body, the other warg pulls out a Glock 22 and shoots it in the forehead.
Finnegan’s Wake: The author, James Joyce, claims that many parts in the screenplay were taken directly from his book. However, since James Joyce is the only person to have read the entire book of Finnegan’s Wake, we pretty much have to take his word for it.
Citizen Kane: While in the process of writing the screenplay, Quentin Tarantino said that Alice in Wonderland "will be the greatest film ever made". This led Orson Welles to believe that they were making his film. Therefore, he filed a lawsuit. However, when the film was never made, the lawsuit was dropped and Welles decided instead to sue Akira Kurosawa and Ingmar Bergman.
Donnie Darko: I haven’t actually seen this movie, but it has a rabbit in it, so it is similar.
The Cheshire Cat Ain’t A Pussy, Bitch: This is a blaxploitation film, that includes samurais, martial arts, gangsters, new French wave film techniques, heists, Uma Thurman, Samuel L. Jackson, and numerous pop culture references. Therefore, Tarantino probably ripped it off in some way. This is stupid...
The King: Begin somewhere after the beginning, then go to the beginning, then skip ahead to directly after the beginning, then go a little further, then go back to the end of the beginning and continue until you surpass the place where you began, then stop (unless you want to watch the credits).
The Mad Hatter: I know why you're here, Alice. I know what you've been doing... why you hardly sleep, why you live alone and why night after night, you sit by your computer. You're looking for him. I know because I was once looking for the same thing. And when he found me, he told me I wasn't really looking for him. I was looking for an answer. It's the question that drives us, Alice. It's the question that brought you here. You know the question, just as I did.
Alice: Why is a raven like a writing desk?
The Mad Hatter: The answer is out there, Alice, and it's looking for you, and it will find you if you want it to.
Franklin the Mocking Turtle: A flamingo in the hand is worth a croquet mallet.
Barry White: I thought I won all those times!? ALICE! YOU LIED TO ME!!!
The Cheshire Cat: By the bye, what was the name of the baby? And was it a donkey (ass) or a fig?
Alice: I already fucking told you! It was Fig Newton! God, and it was an ass, idiot! Now be a good magic fucking puss and go rob a bank!
Queen of Hearts: When I tell you to give me head I don't mean it textually.
The Cheshire Cat: God, what is wrong with you and heads?! SCREW YOU!
Caterpillar: Alice, who are you? Are you mad like that cat said? Why are you here? Why am I retarded? Are you my therapist? Am I real? What's this world here? Are YOU real? Am I going to get lung cancer from smoking? Who are you, Alice? Did I ask that already? That's logic, Alice.
Alice: Get a life. It isn't.
Caterpillar: Ah, but alas, I checked the toilet. Now, one side of my breast will make you larger.
Alice: Yes, I'm free!!! Oh... he doesn't have one! Hey! Come back n00blet! N00b caterpillar!
Alice I wasn't ever up to myspace standards, amd my mother didn't love me who could blame her, I wouldn't even put me, in my top eight.
Alice And that's how the new chicken nugget cereal became famous Unicorn.
The Mad Hatter: Put cho' hands in da air, bitch!
The Unicorn. If you me your tattoos Alice , I'll show you a very good time !
The Mad Hatter: Don't quit the opium Alice! If you do me and all my friends will disappear.
The Doorknob. I have the key to your wildest fantasies Alice.
- Note removed for stupidity and lack of validity
(You can see Alice's true feelings come out in this scene as she pulls out her sniper rifle and starts shooting Marines, protecting the Halo when she should have been protecting Master Chief.)
- Alice was definitely high on something during her adventures.