Alien Movie

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  • Screw the critics, here's...
Writer Karl Marx
Producer Josef Stalin
Director Josef Stalin
Runtime Eighty (80) minutes
Language English
Distributed by PBS
IMDb rating

Alien Movie is a 2011 science-fiction comedy movie created by the Scary Movie crew. Originally intended to be the first in a series of sci-fi parodies, the movie initially failed at the Box Office, scuppering plans by PBS to make a string of sequels to cash in on the morons who saw the first movie.


WARNING! This article contains dancing lobsters added only to get a few more jokes onto this insipid page. If you find them annoying, then just ignore them. Sincrely, Hermes Conrad, Bureaucrat Grade 37

The movie opens on a house in England, where a mild-mannered window dresser named Eric Bartlett (Tom Cruise), is mowing the lawn. As night descends, a large object is seen hovering through the clouds. Eric finally notices it, and is shocked to find that a Black Triangle is hovering over his garden.

The aliens are here...

Eric is beamed inside the Triangle, which flies off into space. Inside the ship, Eric is confronted by Queen Mora (Paris Hilton), the alien ruler of the planet Venus, which is inhabited by subterranean warrior-women who have been monitoring the Earth for millennia. With Mora is her adviser, Clita (Lindsay Lohan), who explain to Eric that all will be revealed to him once they arrive on Venus.

The ship penetrates the alien clouds of sulphuric acid (omitted by George W. Bush being force-fed curried eggs) and land in an underground hangar on Venus, which is maintenanced by a lot of sexy women in camouflaged bikinis. Eric automatically assumes that he has been brought to repopulate Venus, to which Clita hits him over the head and tells him to stop talking bullshit.

One of the Venusians in the movie.

Mora takes Eric to her underground palace, and tells him that Venus and Mars have been at war for hundreds of years over who gets first use of a new coffee machine at intergalactic conferences. Peace negotiations are underway, but they must be performed by a neutral party, and Eric has been chosen for his slow intelligence and bad manners to act as representative for Earth in the negotiations. Eric tries to make certain that Venus does not need repopulating, to which Mora silences him and tells him to focus.

Another of the Venusians in the movie.

Eric is supplied with a ship that will take him to Mars. The crew consists of a robot (Bender) and an Irish abductee called Paddy (Saint Patrick). Once in orbit, Eric tries to get the ship to return to Earth, only to be blocked from the process by the Robot, who continues to steer towards Mars rather than let the humans escape from what they would prefer to do.

Yet another one of the Venusians in the movie.

The ship eventually lands on Mars, where they are greeted by General Hospital (Karl Marx), the communist-style dictator of Mars, who imprisons them rather than make use of them. A few minutes later, and Queen Mora is also imprisoned. It turns out that Clita was a spy acting for General Hospital, who wants to rule Mars, Venus and Earth for himself, with a time-share condo on Mercury. With the four imprisoned, they are sentenced to death by being fed to the Xylomould (Bugs Bunny).

The surface of Mars, note the detention centre / superstore to the left.

At an arena somewhere on the planet, the four are left to fend themselves against the Xylomould. The Robot is the first to die, with Paddy being killed after trying to escape. Eric kills the Xylomould whilst it is distracted by Queen Mora. Eric plants an egg in it's brain, which hatches into a chicken and tears the skull of the Xylomould wide open. Mora and Eric escape in a stolen spaceship back to Venus to warn everybody of the impending Martian attack, but the Venusian scientists struggle to make an effective weapon, as this brief clip shows:

The Venusians are struggling to find an effective weapon against the Martians...

With the help of the Martian Ambassador for Venus (Tony Blair), the Venusians stall for time whilst their space fleet prepares for battle. Horrified by the betrayal of the Martians, Eric agrees to lead the fleet against Mars. The Martian fleet arrives, and the Venusians knock the shit out of them. (Let's face it, commie ships won't stand up to that sort of firepower, will they?). General Hospital is killed, and Mars is forced to surrender.

Queen Mora grants Eric his freedom, and Eric returns to Earth, satisfied that, while on one planet, he's a stupid nobody who nobody loves, on another he's the hero of everybody.


Reaction to the movie was, like many of the movies made by the Scary Movie crew in recent years, profoundly negative and scathing even if the movies did make a lot of money. Roger Ebert the principal figure in slagging off movies like this, said of Alien Movie:

It's all wrong from start to finish. You can't have aliens on Venus, and you can't have commies on Mars either! It's a sorry mess of a movie from start to end, and I hope the boys have sense enough to rethink their ideas about having a sequel.

The movie made a total of $61,000,000,000,000,000 worldwide. Although this was a considerable profit when compared to the original $1 budget, the earnings were significantly less than earlier movies, including Shark Movie, a far-worse film released three years earlier.

Alien Movie 2[edit]

A script for Alien Movie 2 had been worked out by Karl Marx and Josef Stalin, and some rehearsal shots were taken by amateur cameramen. The sequel would have focussed on Eric Bartlett falling back in time to Roswell and encountering a 1950's space hero, who would inadvertently make Eric become his own grandfather (word of advice, folks, try not to get all horny when you fall back in time!).

Because the first movie had failed, the second movie was dropped by PBS, although the amateur footage was kept as an extra on the DVD release, and copies of the script have been made available online at various fictional websites.

Full Cast[edit]

Movies Spoofed[edit]

  • Flesh Gordon - Explicit sex scenes 12 through to 45 parody this movie
  • Futurama - Eric hums the theme music while mowing the lawn
  • Star Trek - Paddy is an Irish version of Scotty
  • Star Wars - The spaceships all look like Star Destroyers


Zoidberg showing off
  • The movie was made under the working title of Flush Gordon and the Invasion War of the Body-Snatching Saucer Men from Mars and Beyond.
  • The character of Mora is based on Your Mom.
  • The guys who write up articles like these have way too much time on their hands.
  • The idea for Alien Movie probably won't be fictional much longer if Jason Friedberg has his way.
  • Zoidberg was only allowed to dance in this article because we're really desperate for jokes.