Alistair Campbell

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Come get some Fergie whispers in retort to the 'shite'. Campbell contmeplates how to invite all of Fergie's family around and kill them in their sleep.

Alastair Fucking Gordon Leftbridge Campbell is the creator of the worlds most consumed liquid product Campbells Soup he is also known for his involvement in politics as he is the Soup Secretary for the Labour Party.

Early Life[edit]

Alster Campbell came into being when he was drawn on a canvas by popular artist and actor Andy Warhol.(It is alleged that Yoko Ono engaged in a Soup conspiracy with Campbell, but this is yet to be confirmed). Since then he was confined to Warhols cupboard as an abomination until Warhols death, he was then released into the wild and fell into the hands of Master Chef Lloyd Grossman. Grossman trained Campbell in the ways of the Chef and Campbell soon achieved higher status as a cook in the kitchens of foul mouthed restaurant owner Gordon Ramsey. His career came to an abrupt end however, when Ramsey was brutally murdured by Princess Diana.

The Soup Cometh[edit]

Campbell once again fell into poverty and his life had seemed to have fallen to it's lowest ebb. Then one day he was trying to buy some soup with some change he had scrounged, but the soup was far too expensive and as Supercorperation Heinz were the only manufactures of soup there was no cheaper alternative. This gave Campbell his idea and he and his fellow hobos got together and built a soup factory. With help from Grossman, Campblell marketed his soup in his own name and it soon shot to success making Campbell rich and famous.

Political Life[edit]

For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Alistair Campbell.

Campbell soon tired of the edible life and began to aimlessly wander the country. It was then that he had a chance encounter with Labor top dog Tony Blair who said he liked the way he stood up to the Heinz corporation and wondered if he would like to do the same to the Torys. Campbell agreed and the two became close friends. Labor won the general election and a Brunswick Chalace. Since then, Alistair has spent his days irritating the working class by making promises, then forgetting about them. In 2002 many people reported seeing him have an orgasm in the street after realising he made everyone poor.

The "I'm a Celebrity" years[edit]

As Campbell's popularity began to decline he was forced (by his supervisor Tony Blair) to attend a media circus in the South Pacific. But with the prospect of having to eat maggots he ran into the jungle screaming, and wasn't seen for several years. Luckily he was rediscovered by the white man, having become feral. He became notorious for certain mushroom and cream recipes after this stage.

Disgrace and Resignation[edit]

In 2003 things went bad for Campbell as it had turned out that he had 'Souped up' a dossier about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. He was ridiculed everywhere he went and so Tony Blair was forced to sack him in order to keep his dignity. Campbell now lives once again in poverty but vows to make a comeback with a new brand of Instant Soups with help from Captain Britain.

See also[edit]