All China Dissident Blood and Body Parts Cleaning Service
All China Dissident Blood and Body Parts Cleaning Service Ltd. (Chinese: 中国反派血和死体清洁服务有限公司) is a publicly traded company which has been providing quality cleaning and sanitation of rooms or areas in which intellectuals and otherwise annoying individuals who were inconscpicuously killed by the government. It has been known for its prompt response, quality service, and smiling employees dressed in white suits and custom red vans. Only recently entering the stock market in the last 10 years, its rise was meteoric and is universally praised by the top US stock analysts.
It is noted for being one of the first companies in China to provide medical benefits and child-care. As impressive testimonials from one of its employees says, "Sure you'll get traumatized being exposed to blood and gore for the first time, but after a while you are desensitized and those dead bodies are just as normal as slaughtered cattle. With the generous company-funded healthcare, who cares you're working to repress political freedom?" All economists agree, since cleaning up after the dead bodies that oppressive governments leave behind will become one of the fastest growing economic sectors in developing countries, major stockholders are clamoring at someone who will take the lead in exploiting this often ignored area of the economy. Forbes magazine has placed ACDBBPCS on its 100 most admired companies, and its listing on the S&P 500 for the past 5 years has proved its sound economic model and philosophy that governments everywhere will kill its critics for political gain, so go through the trouble of fighting it when one could so generously profit from it?
The idea of a service specifically for cleaning intellectuals killed by government go back to ancient times. Confucius said, "If blood and bodies not cleaned, bad government. If no blood and bodies left behind (because they were meticulously removed), good government." Lao Tse said, "Good government is like eating of a fish. You should not leave one bone behind." However, the dream of an efficient method for removing body and evidence of political killings has eluded the ancient Chinese philosophers for the next 3000 years. It remained an inefficient process, mostly done by a government which was bloated and corrupt. It wasn't until the introduction of Western capitalism and sharholding companies that finally, an cost-effective solution for cleaning up after government execution of dissidents.
In a campaign to modernize the Chinese government, Empress Dowager Cixi commissioned the establishment of a commercial service for the removal of blood stains and cleaning of rooms in which dissidents have been killed. Not understanding how shareholding institutions work, she however wanted even prompter services for getting rid of all traces of people who she dislikes, she became one of China's first venture capitalist, a role which has been ignored by historians. She wanted to try the services of the newly established corporation by executing Kang Youwei, however after she discovered that Kang Youwei had escaped apprehension she was pissed, so she just pulled some random man off the street and chopped his head off. She did not personally wield the sword which chopped off the random man's head, that would be too un-ladylike, however she did come to discover that the services of ACDBBPCS was prompt, friendly, and economical.
However with the death of Empress Dowager Cixi the ACDBBPCS entered a dark era. Sure, there was always political executions, but without someone like Cixi to pay for the bills of the services, the company appeared doomed. However, Yuan Shikai, who was even willing to kill his mother for political gain, came to ask ACDBBPCS for their services. The fledgling company now had a chance as now they were everywhere there was an assassination, or outright murder, of one of Yuan's political enemies. ACDBBPCS was the only company throughout the early 20th century to be noticed by the Western world, and one of the first companies to receive foreign investment by William Randolph Hearst. According to Hearst, "The less we have to deal with those yellow-skinned devils, the better." ACDBBPCS rose to became one of the most economically influential company in China in the Yuan era, however disaster struck as Yuan died, and again Chinese capitalism entered another dark era as it was beginning to rise.
ACDBBPCS made a comeback in the 1930's when Chiang Kai-shek came to power. On rabid anti-Communist campaigns, the streets of China again ran with blood and ACDBPPCS rejoiced. Houses everywhere filled with the corpses of pinko-Communists, and ACDBPPCS entered a Golden Age of corpse collection and murder scene sanitization. The violence lead to great innovations in corpse disposal and cleaning of blood from the rooms which these murders took place. For the first time, a mixture of bleach and boiling water that was used to clean large areas of blood, something which has been borrowed by the meat processing industry. The availability of corpses also lead to developments in organ transplantation, as much work has been done using the organs of condemned dissidents.
ACDBBPCS continued to thrive on corpses of people murdered by the Japanese occupation, and afterwards there was a boon during the Cultural Revolution. Despite his feelings towards capitalism, Mao Zedong personally said that this was his most favorite for profit company, next to Halliburton. The company continues to thrive as it cleans up after the people killed needlessly by the Chinese government. The company, for example, had a slight boon after the Tiananmen Square protests of 1989. The company continues to offer its affordable, friendly service.
Services and Packages
ACDBBPCS offers affordable service for anyone who is in need of cleaning up the results of political repression. For the right price, we promise to finish a job in 20 minutes, or your service will be for free!
- $10.00 -- Drop-off and explode dump: Few people realize how affordable the services of ACDBBPCS is for even the average individual. Chinese labor is so cheap that every thin-faced person you pull off the street will gladly carry fifteen tons for 10 cents. "Accidentally" killed somebody for the government? Dump the corpse discretely at one of the many drop-off centers, we'll dispose of it in a place where no one will find it. In case you wonder, just don't eat at McDonald's, ever, again.
- $100.00 -- The Whole Package: This includes disposing of the corpse and cleaning of blood, urine, or any other bodily fluids which have been emitted when the victim was in his or her last throes of death. We'll make it look like it never happen! Just never turn a television on in that room again, because you do have to mind the poltergeist.
- $200.00 -- The Whole Package Plus: Same as The Whole Package, except that all your sins are absolved by Pope Benedict.
- $??? -- Exclusive Package: For an extra, undisclosed free ACDBBPCS can actually do the political assassination for you. For an additional, unconditional fee we'll also torture the victim. ACDBBPCS does not actually officially offer this package and I'm not supposed to mention it...what? What is the last word for my life before you blow my brains out? Oh shit...
ACDBBPCS Goes Global
Since ACDBBPCS discovered that services for the clean-up of scenes of murder has a global market, it has expanded its operations internationally. ACDBBPCS has received multi-million dollar contracts for cleaning up the results of the massacre at Darfur and has received the Mugabe Medal of Oppression for its work there. Because of its work in Africa, the American government has asked it to do its dirty work in Iraq and Guantanamo. It was a jump for ACDBBPCS to go from cleaning after a person has been tortured and killed to torturing and killing people, but when the CEO of ACDBBPCS was asked about the possible ethical consequences of this, he answered, "Money is green, whether you work honestly for it or not." Seemingly Wall Street is indifferent to the company's activities, and welcomed them to the ranks of Enron and Authur-Anderson. When Dick Cheney was questioned whether or not he uses the services of the company, he cryptically smiled and answered, "I'll let the picture on the right answer this question."