Alley Oop was the 48th President of the United States (2025-2029). After the nation satisfied its collective desire to elect an African American President, a woman President, a gay President, and an autistic and deaf-mute President, it naturally turned its attention to the remaining pressing question: Proving that we are not a nation of haters prejudiced against primates.
This question should have been answered by the 40th President (whose two terms were known as the Bonzo Administration) or at least by the 43rd.
Oop was nominated by the Republican Party, which was responsible for all of the primate candidates mentioned above. The Democratic Party nominated a candidate named Dinny. He is pictured above--the dinosaur on whom Oop is riding. Because Oop pwned him. The postage stamp thus notes the bipartisan (and inter-species) nature of the Oop Administration.
Oop was victorious in the Electoral College by a vote of 335-203. Experts agree that this is more than a "landslide" but qualifies as "total pwnage." However, in the weeks after the election, Democrats claimed that certain states had gone to Oop because of vote fraud. The transition team responded to these charges primarily by throwing feces.
Oop called on fellow simians from the Republican Party to fill his cabinet. They did, and even after the absinthe and Aquavit was loaded in, they stuck around to become department heads. Dick Cheney was Vice President; although the Constitution limits the President to two terms, it permits the Vice President to hang around forever, with the sole purpose of taking the allure out of assassination, at which Mr. Cheney had already proven his expertise.
Larry Kudlow, Chief economic adviser
Jim Cramer, Secretary of the Treasury
The Supreme Court
Ann Coulter, Secretary of State
- Legislative achievements
President Oop signed the heralded Guzzle-Umpateedle Act, further regulating the finance industries to protect the Little Guy. Banks now had no alternative but to charge said Little Guy an arm and a leg for a mortgage while paying him peanuts on his passbook account.
While previous presidents had used the device of industry-specific "czars" to give lifetime sinecures to hacks that the Senate would never confirm, Oop appointed a series of Grand Wizers to perform the same purpose. They were not always wizer.
Dr. Elbert Wonmug was Surgeon General, and G. Oscar Boom was alternately his press secretary and an adversarial blogger. Dr. Wonmug's approach to increasing health coverage while decreasing the effect on the national debt was to advise ailing patients to simply use time travel to an era before their affliction began showing symptoms.
- Foreign policy
Much as Franklin D. Roosevelt responded to the worldwide rise of tyranny by commandeering the entire U.S. economy, and Bush and Obama addressed world poverty by enabling the U.S. to join in, the Oop Administration made strides in reaching out to the sub-humans throughout the world, most of them installed as heads of state of its various countries.
- Social life
Life in the White House during the Oop Administration was a solid line of pratfalls and slapstick jokes played on the Press Corps. Pie throwing was a recurring theme. Midnight basketball, which had received millions in federal money ever since the Clinton years, was played every night, but surprisingly, the two-man play named for President Oop was actually perfected two decades earlier by Barack Obama. A lot of Donkey Kong was also played.