Alton Towers

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Alton Towers.

Alton Towers is a giant forest full of angry farmers somewhere in the Northish of England (though we are not sure where), built as far away as possible from easy major road access so as to cause maximum traffic congestion and inconvenience to the locals. Because it's in the crap countryside in God knows where you have to drive slowly, as to not disturb the angry northern English villagers and hill billies.

The park has eleven different car parks - this is to make it impossible to find your car, and prevent you from ever leaving until about 5 the next morning. After you have arrived, you must then take the monorail to the actual entrance. (The monorail may be closed, however, in snow, rain, ice, dinosaur invasion or for any other generic reason, in which case you will have to walk through said snow, rain, ice, or dinosaur invasion) From the entrance you can take a short (well quite long really) walk to the Skyride which will you take you (when it is not on fire) to a grand total of two more stops. From here there is also a train.

The park's promotional music is "In the Hall of the Mountain King" by Edvard Grieg. The park has no Hall, Mountain or King (although God (John Wardley) claims to be the King).

Alton Towers is the only theme park in the world where you are charged for breathing. Visitors are recommended to re-mortgage their home before even daring to enter. The park features a number of hyped up rides that either break down or rip you off in some diabolical way.

“Twin Towers!!!”

~ Retard on Alton Towers

“I Can't Feel My Legs!”

~ Anyone who walks around the park the whole day



'H'Air starts with a climb to the top of the 20ft lift hill (they don't build above the trees because some hill billies from that ugly village down the road complained that the noise from the theme park was a cause for corpus interuptus) then it breaks down. It then goes into a helix, and breaks down. It also contains a barrel roll, after which the ride breaks down. At which point, you will probably have a break down. Cadburys Miniature Heroes sponsored the ride up until the point when they were bought out by Kraft. They have since broken down. Air is said to have an average queue time of about ten years; though Alton Towers will blatantly lie to your face and tell you it "will only be about 45 minutes." TIP: bring a pen and some paper to kill time in the queue. Perhaps you could write your will. You will either be there in the said queue until you reach your death or the ride will break down and you will become trapped forever (and reach your death.)Sleep specialists are desperately trying to figure out the reason Air exists, seeing as how it is so unbelievably lame and not in the least bit thrilling. One specialist, Paul Pickalo said "We are yet to discover why Air has any inversions at all. Perhaps Alton Towers are playing a game with us all called 'See If You Can Wake Up Your Guests Once They Have Fallen Asleep On A Rollercoaster By Throwing In A Barrel Roll.'" Air is located in the north of the park, near the far superior Nemesis.

The Flume[edit]

The flume is a money-making technique used by Alton Towers which makes riders as wet as possible, and then offers them a re-mortgage on their homes so they can afford to use the heating cubicles (that don't actually dry you). Merlin recently came under fire for seeding clouds with dry ice to ensure riders did not get dried by the sun. Because of queue times exceeding Air's, Alton Towers decided on something called a "Fast Track" pass, which costs an arm, a leg and a head and takes you to the front of the queue. Apparently Alton Towers have rigged the "Fast Track" so that when you get to the front of the queue the ride breaks down, so you are forced to either go onto another (hopefully better) ride or wait an extra 25 minutes for the old bloke to fix it. The Flume is in the centre of the park, near The Runaway Mine Train. The Flume is the safest ride in the park, averaging just 45 deaths per year.


Nemesis, or (That Rusting White Thing Next To H'Air)is a B&M suspended coaster. Like its younger brother it is no taller than 20ft due to the same Hill billies that complain about noise from the theme park ruining their Hill billy lives. The thing that establishes Nemesis from any other coaster is its gorgeous rivers, that have been filled with red wine in an attempt to get riders drunk before boarding and have em all killed as theyre too drunk to sort out their lap bar restraints teehee. That way they can leave the ride with vacant expressions saying things like "OMFG that was THE BEST FCXKING THING I HAVE EVER DONE!." Whilst under this influence, they will happily hand over £10+ for a rubbish on ride photograph/keyring/mug (yes that's you.) Nemesis is based on an alien crash landing in the middle of Alton Towers (as you would) and the alien keeps on fuelling you with alcohol until you become an illuminati scum bag. It is said that Nemesis appeals only to fanboys as most of the public tend to have fallen asleep on Air by the time it comes to riding That Rusting White Thing Next To H'Air.)

The ride is so popular with fanboys across the UK, that many have sexual fantasies involving the ride. You will notice the jizz of these fanboys on the tracks as you leave the station. Unfortunately, many people have been hit by trains and killed whilst trying to have sex with the ride. The staff put their bodies into storage and use them for theming in the Halloween mazes.

Oblivion prepares to leave the station


Oblivion was (until Th13teen arrived on the scene) the world's first sort-of vertical-but-not-actually-vertical roller coaster, containing an eighty nine degree drop.[1] The ride drops its riders into a pit full of smoke, killing any asthmatics on the ride, then into a banked turn emptying rider's pockets of any loose change or expensive electronic devices (all pit findings are sold on eBay) and then quickly giving everyone whiplash. Those who do make it off the ride then buy a medal saying so to annoy their friends who really don't care. Oblivion has a tendency to break down a lot so only gets about five riders a year. Oblivion is located near Enterprise and Spinball Pinball Sonic Whizzer Spinnner.


Th13teen (also known as Thirteen, Th14teen, ThFAILteen or Ththirteenteen) is currently regarded as the greatest rollercoaster in the world. It is Alton Towers' new for 2010 rollercoaster, hyped up to be the world's scariest ride, complete with age and mental requirements, although these stupid restrictions turned out to be Morwenna Angove's marketing rubbish as the ride is really just a family rollercoaster with an indoor drop. Th13teen is said to be named after the number of people that actually enjoyed the ride.

In order to avoid 'extreme downturn of luck', every Friday 13th, the ride is renamed Fourteen and Camilla. What a perfect way to wreck the atmosphere, after you've spent ages trying to get cheap-o tickets on eBay just to ride Thirteen on Friday 13th!

Some freaky chick with blonde hair and scary makeup (no not Paris Hilton) walks around the ride singing a creepy arse lullaby to the chavdom tribe that have inhabited the ride. The said chick is actually just Tina from down t'road who is on minnimum wage like the rest of the staff.

Alton Towers have really gone out of their way to piss you off with this shit. The first drop looks immensly enjoyable, but is ruined by a trim break that basically stops the train from moving. At which point the said train (which has been made by paper mache cornflakes boxes) crawls around some waste land before entering what looks like an abandoned shed. We won't reveal what happens here (you drop about 20ft horizontally and then go backwards for a bit) (this was not written by GMTV)


Ripsaw (also known as R.I.Psaw and RIPsaw) spins its riders around whilst squirting liquids at them, in a similar fashion to Meatspin. The saw also rips people guts out.


To tie in with the caveman theming of Ug Land, Rita was designed to simulate a fast car rally. The "Queen Of Speed" status was revoked for the 2010 season after it was found that Rita was more manly that previously believed, as parents of many children were complaining that the ride was turning them into homosexuals, and is now "Roy, King Of Speed". Even before this the title was invalid as Thorpe Park's Stealth is faster anyway (although Stealth is shite and only lasts a measly 5 seconds). Rita is named after the little old sweet shop lady on Coronation Street.

Duel (The Haunted House Strikes Back)[edit]

A family friendly haunted (B&Q) house ride in which the kids shoot the ghosts, zombies, banshees etc. and the riders if they feel like it. They are taken on a guided tour by their buggy through a freak show of meaningless scenes including; a stone bust ripped straight out of art attack, a giant (prop from Blackpool Illuminations) head that opens blowing raspberries, armies of 4 or 5 feet tall legless (cheap plastic dummies) zombies with oversized shirts popping out from left to right, a (giant robot that has eight "things" poking out) "spider" that lowers her head at the riders, a sexy vampire babe with nice "upper regions (aka bewbs)", a very green zombie with glowing teeth showing off his pecks (hulk perhaps) and many other strange scenes. Throughout the ride, if you want to play the game there are some lights known as LSDs in which if you shoot them, you'll either have a very bad trip of eaten by the zombies, clawed to death by the giant (robot with eight "things" poking out) spider, or you'll simply hallucinate having a higher score.

Currently there is a bunch of really emo kids called "Haunted house craving conservatives" who want to take down duel and bring the haunted house back, simply because they dont have anything better to do with their lives and they are really southern posh snobs who are so rich and wealthy they can go visit the Haunted Mansion 24/7 and get laid whilst they're at it. For some reason Alton Towers dont really feel the need to market Duel, this is because roller coasters are all theme parks revolve around (truth is they should have blown Duel up by now unless the Towers forgot it existed for several years).

The HH Craving conservatives are looking into exterminating the legless plastic zombies and make Duel regress back into the Haunted House (as according to them, rides that have half the effects failing is "theatrical brilliance"). Duel is somehow obviously an absolute shithole of a ride compared to the haunted house because it is actually interactive, more action-packed and has effects that work well, doesnt smell of 200-year old elderly people and also mixing zombies with other effects must be a serious ride crime because since its new and different its horrible but its perfectly ok to do it in the haunted house where you had giant robot spiders mixed with jellyfish ghouls or in one scenario, an ex-wrestler who now beckons people to his hearse for a living, a monk, a very grim reaper and an escapee from the nearest lunatic asylum.

Again, mixing zombies with other effects is a serious ride crime because since its new and different its horrible but its perfectly ok to do it in the haunted house where you had giant robot spiders mixed with jellyfish ghouls or in one scenario, an ex-wrestler who now beckons people to his hearse for a living, a monk, a very grim reaper and an escapee from the nearest lunatic asylum.

For the third time,mixing zombies with other effects is a serious ride crime because since its new and different its horrible but its perfectly ok to do it in the haunted house where you had giant robot spiders mixed with jellyfish ghouls or in one scenario, an ex-wrestler who now beckons people to his hearse for a living, a monk, a very grim reaper and an escapee from the nearest lunatic asylum.

The Runaway Mine Train[edit]

A tame ride for kiddies most of the time but has fulfilled its name on a couple of occasions, breaking free from its tracks and claiming the second most casualties of any ride in the park: 20 injured, with six hospitalised; the first being Skyride. The Runaway Mine Train is located next to some Rapid ride and some trees.


The Skyride of Death

The Skyride is widely considered to be the most scary ride in the park, as it contains no safety restraints and each car looms high above the sharp garden monuments below. In each car there is a sound system which plays calming and relaxing music, designed to lull the rider into a false sense of security. It also stops at points during the ride to allow disabled guests to board, and swings from side to side in an attempt to make the riders feel weightless. Guests are relieved that they have survived the ride, before being slowly hoisted into the usually burning station. Skyride averages about 100,000 deaths a year.

Twirling Toadstall[edit]

This ride was taken from some cheap kiddie's fairground in the equally cheap English county of Northamptonshire. John Wardley sneezed on it and it grew to new heights (almost like in the Rollercoaster Tycoon games). It mutated, and now aims to see how many people's shoes it can throw off into nearby bushes.[2]

Other Rides[edit]

  • Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - the ride contains a lift simulator similar to those found at ASDA.
  • Spinball Pinball Sonic Whizzer Spinner Wizard - a fairly tame ride that spins you round for a while. Complete with a life size cardboard cutout of Sonic outside (as included in the Gamers Monthly Magazine Issue 83). The ride was originally themed around The Who, but it was decided that a crumbling, cheap-o kiddie coaster was not suitible to represent the greatest rock and roll band of all time.
  • HEX: The Legend of the Towers - A documentary about events that happened at the Towers before Tussaudes purchased them in order to bastardise them forever more. John Wardley got excited when he found a tree that was used by sex maniacs years ago, and decided to do a ride based on them simulating a Friday night out at Stoke for many of the local riders. The room spins 'round and round and a tree lights up. Originally called SEX; was changed to HEX to not give the wrong ideas to dirty teenagers and anxious parents.

Alton Towers Hotels[edit]

To confuse guests, and to make it as difficult as possible for them to find their cars, Alton Towers have built eleven car parks all around the perimiter of the park. After taking roughly two hours to find your car, you find yourself so exhausted that you have to stay in the Alton Towers Hotel, and spend an extra day at the theme park, oh dear, what a shame. In fact, Merlin found that they were getting so many pissed off people booking into their hotels, that they had to build a new one, called Splash Landings. Splash landings is home to the park's large sewer, disguised as a water park. To prevent embarrassment, speedos and sexual intercourse have been banned from the resort. Not really, it's becuase they just love pissing people off!

Getting to Alton Towers[edit]

Getting to Alton is near fucking impossible as the park is built nowhere near the motorway network, completely isolated from the rest of the universe. It is said Alton Towers doesn't have a postcode or an address to piss off Sat-Nav users.


  1. It was only after the roller coaster was built that John Wardley realised his protractor was a bit off.
  2. Note: it's thought it has, of 2010, thrown off 250,000 pair of shoes.