America's Funniest Home Videos
America's Funniest Home Videos is a very serious election, even more serious than that of the President of the United States or the President of Americanidolistan. It is important because it will represent, years from now, what Americans found humorous about their daily lives. It also contains 75% more cats biting people in the nipples in a single episode than Theresa Heinz-Kerry managed over the entire campaign trail.
America's Funniest Home Videos took its voting method from American Idol, another show that shows just how rad it is to vote when you're an American, you stupid foreigners. Seriously, look at all the important stuff we get to vote on. The studio audience is shown a variety of home movies for half an hour. This is just like the home movies that your friends take and show you, except that you don't know who sent in these videos. Also, many of these videos showcase physical pain, abject humiliation, or spoiled desserts. At the end of the night, the video judged the best will take away $10,000 dollars, which is usually just enough to cover plane tickets out to Los Fransisco where the show is filmed, not to mention the hospital bills usually incurred.
Voting is judged out of several categories:
- How bad the video sucked
- Quality of the picture
- Steadiness of the camera
- How many people get kicked/punched/slapped/stabbed/hit in the crotch (even better if you puke afterwards).
- How many angry animals are featured
- The ratio of babies wearing silly hats to those with no laughable headgear
- Ability of Bob Saget (1989-1997), Bob Knight and/or Daisy Fuentes (1997-2000) Tom Bergeron (2001-2015) and Alfonso Ribeiro (2015-present) to make funny noises throughout the film
- The subtextual statement on the value of the human condition* Humiliation of the family at hand
- How cute the baby video is (it will almost always be a 1st prize winner when this happens).
Eventually, in later seasons, it wouldn't matter what other people voted for, as since the grand prize is a trip to Disneyland, the finalist video with any children or babies are chosen by the judges as the grand prize winners (regardless whether or not it isn't even remotely funny). And all of us who have seen the show know that you never remember any of the winners being videos without children or funny.
America's Funniest Home Videos has spotlighted numerous high points in human achievement. Below are a few of the standouts.
- Sally Hayes of New Berlin, Wis., learns how to ride her bike without training wheels. She runs over a rake in her lawn, which knocks her off of her bike into a rose bush. She cries as her father laughs.
- Twins Timmy and Jimmy Rutherford of New York, New York, cover their sleeping grandfather in whipped cream, ignorant of his extreme allergy to dairy products. They then hit each other in the crotch with baseball bats.
- Amanda Bird of Sacramento, Calif., decides that she wants to be a doctor when she grows up so that she can help poor people. Bob Saget pretends he's a tugboat throughout her heartfelt speech.
- The Fox News coverage of the Pope's death.
- Paul Rudolph of Plainsview, Flor., falls off of a parking ramp. Dressed like a clown. Bob Saget makes honking noises.
- Archival footage of the Hiroshima bombing. Somebody must have gotten hit in the crotch somewhere, points out Bob Saget.
- Thousands of parents who video their babies and kids doing something silly. Tom Bergeron continually denies the issue regarding rigging the votes so the families always win, but that only makes it more suspicious in turn.
- Footage of Budd Dwyer's televised suicide. Flatulance sounds emit from Saget's mouth when Dwyer pulls trigger.
- Ten year old Kenny McCormick of South Park, CO is run over by a freight train and dies. He is then kicked in the crotch.
- The cell phone video of Sadam being hanged.
- When the infants tounge was bitten off by the cute puppy in front of the laughing, money-hungry parents.
- Bob Saget blowing John Stamos with a birthday hat on.
- A kid rips his tooth out with a string
- A kid rips his tooth out with a string attached to somebody's crotch
- Ash Ketchum dying.
- Basically whatever the worst video of the entire show was
America's Widest Driveways
During AFV's early years, the show had to compete against a similar, more exciting show called America's Widest Driveways. Fortunately, Bob Saget's incredible hosting and stale jokes saved the show. America's Widest Driveways is still aired today, but a lack of wide driveways is causing fewer and fewer viewers. The show will stop production sometime in 2010 and the host, Tom Brady, will be drawn and quartered.
What AF(H)V really means
People say AF(H)V means "America's Funniest Home Videos" but, Uncyclopedia can get real creative..
- America's Freakin' Violent
- America Fights Violently
- America: For (Hellish) Vampires
America's Funniest Adult Videos or America's Funniest Porn Videos - This takes place inside the porn studio where filming errors have made during sex. Penises are accidently severed during oral sex, Gay men farting during an anal sex scene, Male ejaculation were aimed at a wrong person, etc. Ron Jeremy and Jenna Jameson are hosts of the show.
America's Funniest Medical Videos - Same as America's Funniest Hospital Videos.
America's Funniest Political Scandal
America's Funniest Mental Hospital Videos
America's Funniest Vietnam War Footage
America's Funniest Bitch Slaps
2004: America's Funniest Home Videos was mistakenly added to the Axis of Evil for a day before George W. Bush was informed that Islamic law prohibits one to videotape his neighbors in unpleasant, yet humorous, situations. The President immediately proclaims August 30th to be National Assault on Dignity Day.
2002: Jackass becomes popular on MTV. "Bring that pussy Knoxville on, I'll whallop him in the genitals and win my own $10,000 dollars! Smash, bang, aiee my face, oh froinlaven, someone get me a bandage," said Tom Bergeron in a high-pitched voice.