America's Next Top Model

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~ Oprah on Tyra's decision to start the show

“Excuse me bitch? ”

~ Tyra stating in a press conference about Oprah's accusation

“This is one of the most un-influential show I've ever seen!!! IT DOESN'T PRODUCE ANY TOPLESS SUPERMODELS LIKE TYRA!!!”

~ Oscar Wilde on on how America's Next Topless Model does not live up to its name

America's Next Top Model is a reality modeling show created by the supreme G-D, Tyra Banks. Since its first season aired in May 2003, it has since completed 10 cycles (as in Tyra's menstrual cycle, another word for what normal people refer to as seasons) and it has also been confirmed that there will more cycles coming, as if Tyra will never get old because she kept having menstrual pain 3 times a week.

The So-Called Beginning[edit]

One day, Tyra Banks was sitting at her couch, thinking of a get-rich-quick plan because she wants to battle with her mother, Oprah, comparing their wealths. Well, that was how America's Next Top Model was born. First, Tyra devised a plan by going to a super cool party where all the whores and lesbian celebrities like Paris Hilton go to. Then, she hooked up with a journalist and told him that she is going to start a uber-cool show known as The Bitch That Tyra Wants Her To Be A Top Model Show. The journalist stated that since Tyra is running for the post of the President of the United States that very same year, why not name it America's Next Top Model to get more votes? Well, she took his advice and see where she got herself into today!!! She has all the fucking money in the world!!!! Well, after that, Tyra did became President but she was overthrown by Avril Lavigne. Since then, she has spent her time directing/producing/judging/writing/composing songs/teaching new dance steps to the models in the show. Avril Lavigne recently confirmed that she actually is a big fan of the show and she wants to be part of the show, but Tyra set her to fire with her lazer beams even before she can open her mouth because Tyra reads minds!!! SHE IS G-D!!!!

The Format[edit]

Like any other boring reality shows that traps young hookers minds, Tyra starts off each cycle with an ultra-boring speech about her successes (no failures, she is G-D!!! REMEMBER THAT!!!) and lures them into thinking that she actually is a supermodel. Some of the recorded sample found in Tyra's home sounds like this:

"Calling all bitches out there like me!!! Hey, you know being a supermodel is super easy!! You know why? Because your fucking supreme G-D has created such a good opportunity for you!!! This opportunity is known as America's Next Top Model! HEY,do you know that mama (that is her) was a real fucking bitchy model before she discovered that she was actually G-D? Well, I think you guys don't really know this fact about mama because well you guys are retarded asshole anyway. So if you watch this and you think that this is stupid, then you better say your last prayers before mama zap you with her fucking hot lazer beams!!! But if you love this, you must make a vow to mama saying that you love and care for this show and you will audition for this super important show in the whole universe! MAma will make sure that you get a place here and mama will make sure that all African-Americans participating in this show wins every cycle!!! "

Well, after this particularly annoying speech, she would go on and chant an even more annoying song called WANNA BE ON TOP? This song drives all white chicks into thinking that they are already supermodels and all black chicks into thinking that they are already the winners. The white chicks will actually suffer from Tyra's lazer beams because she wants all the black chicks win. After the song, Tyra then will proceed to casting. In the first cycle, she casted 10 retarded whores who all coincidentally works in a prostitute den in Harlem, New York. After that she made the girls posed nude for every photo shoots and gave them hideous make overs just to amuse herself and anyone who doesn't give in to her requests, especially when it comes to rejecting a photo shoot or make over, she and her sidekick, Jay Manuel would team up and combine their lazer beams together (known as Super Tyra Lazer Beam) and shoot the girl back to her hometown. Usually in this cases, there will be no elimination rounds because if she insists on elimination, she would lose out on lots of cash. But any girls who wanna be fucking supermodels who participated in the photo shoots, she would evaluate and deliberate on the photos with her panel of judges, who includes fashion photographer, Nigel Barker (because he barks too much), fashion legend Twiggy (she has since retired from the show because Tyra doesn't give a damn about what she says) and a drag queen known as J. Alexendar. It turns out that Tyra always have the last say no matter what the judges say. Twiggy was replaced by another supermodel cum whore/part time slut, Paulina Porizkova. And it turns out that J. Alexendar is actually a replacement for the ultimate bitch, Janice Dickinson .After 7 or 8 girls are sent home each week, Tyra (being G-D REMEMBER THAT YOU BRAINLESS IDIOT!!!) will send the remaining girls to international destinations using her Traveling Beam which she shoots out from her boobs. After that, the girls are again forced to pose nude for their photo shoots. Sometimes, the girls are required to stand in front of male crowds posing as naked mannequin. After the girls are narrowed down to 3 girls, these 3 girls are known as the TOP 3(formerly known as The Sluttiest Trio). They would then strive to impress Tyra by literally trying to kill each other on a special fashion show on the runway. The girl who manage to kill or somehow injure or kick her opponents out of the runway is declared as the winner. As of now, no death cases has been reported. But, an injury lawsuit has been sent to Tyra but being the G-D that she is, she just zaps away the lawsuit with her ever-handy lazer beams.

The show initially started out with 10 girls. In the second cycle, Tyra showed some sympathy to the white chicks and provided 2 more places for them. In the third and fourth cycle, she increases the capacity to 14. After too many complaints that white chicks were always not given any chances to win the show, Tyra reduced the cast to 13 girls in the fifth cycle and this would continue on until the 9th cycle. The 10th cycle she decided that 14 is a lucky number and she decided to cast an all black girls for that cycle. As of now, only 1 white chick won the show but she has been forced to undergo skin transplant to make her a black whore because Tyra doesn't believe in white chicks winning. (Actually, thats not quite true, because some of the black chick are actually white chick in disguise. They underwent treatment before the show just because they wanna be in the anorexic industry. Sigh...)

The Prizes[edit]

Every winner of America's Next Top Model will get a modeling contract with one of the top (its a lie!!!!) modeling agency in the entire universe, The Mega Tyra Models Conglomerate(formerly known as Elite Model Management, but since after Tyra became G-D, she literally took over the whole agency and made it her own agency..sigh...),a $100,000 contract with CoverGirl cosmetics, and a six page spread and cover on Tyra 17 magazine (formerly known as Seventeen magazine). Tyra is also known to change the prizes on the show frequently. In Cycle 1, the initial modeling agency was Wihelmina Models, which she burned down with her dragon breath after she found a more sophisticated modeling agency, Ford Models since Cycle 3. It turned out that Ford Models was also burned down by Tyra after Cycle 6, but she blamed it on her mother, Oprah for commiting the crime. CoverGirl was originally not part of the prize but it was Revlon. But, due to allergy to the products of Revlon, Tyra stomped out Revlon and brought in Sephora. But Sephora was not popular like the other cosmetics in the market, so Tyra zap the company into non existent. As for the magazine spreads, Tyra chose Marie Claire in the beginning. But she found Marie Claire to be a boring magazine and switched to Elle magazine. But because it still couldn't trap young hookers' minds, Tyra resorted to using Seventeen as the magazine for her winners.

What Happened Thus Far[edit]

This is merely a brief account of interesting things that happened in each cycle. If you happen to be in the Church of Tyra, this would come in handy so you wouldn't be zapped by Tyra's menacing lazer beams.

During Cycle 1, Tyra casted 10 whores to be on the show. One of them turned out to be a lesbian whore. She has a girlfriend named Ka. Well, the prizes for this cycle was a modeling contract with Wihelmina Models, a cosmetic campaign with Revlon, and a cover and centre spread in Marie Claire magazine. There were two very annoying bitches in this cycle that claimed that they are Christians and they refused to shoot a nude photo with Merit diamonds although they have been shooting in the nude for a long time. Their excuse was "I wanna be goddamn Christ-like!". But one of the girls, a white girl in black girl suit, reached the top two. But, she was kicked off the runway by the winner, Adrianne. But since winning the show, Adrianne has shown disgust towards Tyra because she kept empty promises. This is because Tyra saw the opportunity to be a Revlon ambassador (and earn more money!!!!) and signed the contract before Adrianne can reach it. Tyra decided to zap Adrianne into non existent after she stole her prize with her infamous LARVA BEAM. (this came out from her pussy)

After the events of Cycle 1, Cycle 2 opens with Tyra seducing 12 girls (mostly blacks) into the competition by promising them a great chance to be on national tv. The first episode was such a drama because one girl has the guts to reject doing a photo shoot because she would have to let a male model touch her body and she would have to pose nude. Tyra and Janice Dickinson thought that this was unacceptable and they combined their lazer beams (known as TJ BEAM) and evaporated her body. Tyra was also jealous and bias towards a big bust bitch because Tyra thought that she is the only one on the entire world with the biggest boobs. She made an unfair elimination because of that girl. Well, Tyra was also jealous that people can do the belly-dance, while she cannot. Because well you know Tyra was once a popular singer and she made a music video (much to the disgust of the contestants) and she planned to use the girls in Cycle 2 as 'items' in the video. When she saw Sara belly dancing, she grew jealous and eliminated her in the judging room after she and (guess who? JANICE AGAIN!! THAT BITCH!) deliberated. But, she is so fake and went up and hugged the girl before she leaves the room. Tyra also kept a pretty damn noisy bitch called Camille in this cycle because she wanted to have word battle with her. When Tyra grew tired of her, she well zap her off! The winner was Yoanna who made her competitor walked nude on the runway in Milan. They would have chosen Mercedes to be the winner, but because the runway rule is this: you have to fucking have clothes on! So, they chose Yoanna....what a bitch!

After telling everyone that she don't wanna cast another black bitch, she did it again in Cycle 3. The first photo shoot requires the girls to be dressed in bikini in Jamaica. One of the girls misunderstood and thought that they have to dangle the bikini on their arms and she got the first cut just like that! Well, there was one particularly annoying white bitch (FINALLY!!! A WHITE CHICK ON THE SHOW!) who likes to intimidate Tyra by producing bad shots after bad shots. But as always, when Tyra thought that her time was up, she sold the girl as a sex slave to some Japanese man. The final two were blacks! The winner Eva tricked the runner up Yaya into believing that the runway was in the water (this did not happen until the next cycle) and since Yaya is hydrophobic, she begged Tyra to release her from the show and let Eva the bitchy diva win the whole thing.

Cycle 4 started with 14 whores mainly from California. The girls received makeovers on their first day which one girl Brandy disliked. Tyra was cool and kept her for 3 weeks before eliminating her when she kept on bitching about her hair. This cycle was also known for Tyra's transformation into a 1000lbs giant iguana. Well, it happened like this. One stupid black bitch by the name of Tiffany has the guts to challenge Tyra on her successes as a model, this causes Tyra's eyeballs to enlarge 10 times the original size and the bitchy Tyra shouted her transformation phrase: "You know what? HOW DARE YOU, YOU DON'T KNOW ME, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHERE I COME FROM, WHERE I'VE BEEN, HOW LONG I'VE BEEN THERE, WHAT I HAD TO DO TO GET FROM WHERE I WAS, TO WHERE I AM NOW!!!!" and after saying that she morphed into the huge creature and swallowed Tiffany whole. The girl who was with Tiffany ran off as soon as she saw this. The final two consist of a black whore and a white whore. This time, the winner, Naima, attempted to drown Kahlen, her competitor in the water. But Kahlen drag Naima's hair and turned her into a mohawk. But then, of course Tyra, being the G-D she is and a bias bitch as well, chose Naima over Kahlen. And well, it made Kahlen cried like hell and Tyra can't even use her lazer beams because Kahlen suspended the beams with her tears.

Tyra decided that having 14 girls in the competition is too troublesome, so she cut down the number of girls to 13 in Cycle 5. This cycle is known for a lesbian seducing a straight girl and turning her into a lesbian as well and well fucked her and never took any responsibilities for her actions. Well, it isn't all about Kim the lesbo or Sarah the straight whore turned lesbo hooker. Its also famous for Kim seducing 2 (or was it 3?) girls more and almost turned them into one of her kind after Sarah's elimination. Namely and in chronological order, Kyle, who never knew what a lesbian was and never seen a whore before although she is already one, Bre, but this is unconfirmed because when Kim tried to F her, she didn't give in and lastly the winner, Nicole. Nicole said she missed Kim but would like to kiss than hug her when she was eliminated. The finale was a hit because it took place in London, England. Nik, the runner-up was FIERCE as quoted by Tyra but they preferred Nicole's high fashion (and boring) look and so Tyra shot a GOODBYE BITCH! beam towards Nik and sent her flying her kite home to Atlanta.