America is the best!!!
America is the best!!! And I mean, THE best! Like, take all of the best countries you can think of right now. Such as:
America is way cooler than any of those. Well, maybe not England, cos that's where the Irish come from, but America is way cool, and by that I mean that the REAL America (not North America or Central America or South America or any of that fricken commie asshat), is by far the best.
The America Story (How It Got So Awesome)
The America story is the most awesome eva. Our nation's enemies have tried to go around telling everyone other stuff in their mumbo jumbo language, but no one listens anyway. But just incase you have to sit next to a towel head or something at school, here's what really happened.
Chapter 1 (God Chooses America)
“And then God sent his spirit into the world to separate the goats from the sheep. The goats, namely blacks and homosexuals, were cast into the lake of fire. However, the sheep, a.k.a. Conservatives, were given the most holy land on earth: America.”
As I said, America rocks. But how do we know? Easy, the Bible says so. In the beginning, God told Abraham that all the best people would end up in some new world. I can't remember what it actually called it in the bible, but we know he meant America.
In the new country, he would not allow any towelheads, hippies, pinkos, and blacks. God would make sure that everyone had jobs, and that there was actually someone running the place. Not like in that stupid China. I mean, what's that about, like yea... Just let everyone stay in bed all day...
Chapter 2 (Here come the Irish!)
“And as Jesus finished explaining the evils of alcohol, he reminded the people of that glorious exception to the rule: the Irish. 'They are the only race on earth to be completely sinless, and are therefore not condemned for drinking,' sayeth the LORD.”
Cos Satan didn't like the Irish drinking all the good booze he cursed God's children with the Blight. As God is so cool, he led them, along with their drinking games, to the party barge that is the United States. As we all know, the National Anthem comes from a drinking song, so America welcomed them with open arms. Except for the Indians, who invented curry, so we sent them all to Asia to live next to the Chinese as punishment. Not everyone like the Irish though, so they had to work really hard as cops and stuff. Shame there were no Indians left to shoot, but it's OK now though, cos they can shoot the Arabs.
And THAT'S another reason why we KICK ASS.
Chapter 3 (Here come the Jews! and the Blacks! and the Beaners!)
“And Jesus said unto his disciples, 'God only has enough love in his heart for one race. And unless a black chick starts giving me head right now, I'm thinking that He still loves the whites.”
Unfortunately, the only thing keeping America from exploding with flavor is the fact that minorities are still stinking up my country! We have Jews everywhere, Blacks in our schools, and Mexicans running across our borders! What did we do about it?
We turned to our Fearless Leader, George W. Bush. He came up with such wonderful ideas, such as 9/11, Hurricane Katrina, and the Iraq War to send these dirty animals to their graves, leaving our nation pure, just as God wanted it.
How else America ROCKS
- We're BIG -- No, I didn't say 'bigoted.' (I don't even know what 'bigoted' means.) I said BIG. We have a ton of land, we have a lot of people, and we have a loads of stuff. Still think America is just a bunch of egotistical, ignorant racists? Then checkit the fact that... hang on, what does egotistical mean???
- We have WEAPONS. -- That's right, we have the technology to make South Korea an island if we want to.
- We have STUFF -- iPods, Corvettes, fancy phones, and little dogs whose parents were a long haired chihuahua and a diamond. We got that bling goin' on, and we're proud of our indulgent economy that has a few wealthy individuals living off the semen of the majority of the population that gets sodomized at the gas pump every day. You live in America, bitch. hang on, where are these big words coming from?
- We have the GREATEST LANGUAGE EVER -- That's right, English is the only language in the world that is bullshit-free. And don't say that other countries speak it too, cos we're the only country that speaks it good...er, right. All your other languages, like Spanish, British, and those African clicky noises, can't be understood at all. They're nonsense. Gibberish. Verbal diarrhea. We're awesome.
Reasons America doesn't rock
Only global corporate dictatorial imperialism.
See? America is the best! And everyone else thinks so. Cause we're the best!
|Countries and territories of North America|
|Main: United States of America | Canada/Canadia | Mexico | Jesusland | Confederate States of America | Québec|
Northernmost: Mediocre Britain | Canada States | Duchy of Björk | People's Republic of Canada | Awesome land/Not So Awesome Land
Atlantic: United Spades of Amerika | Wikiland
Caribbean: Barbados | Communist | Dominican Republic | Earthquake | Jamaica | Tortuga | Trinidad and Tobago
|Atlantic: United Kingdom of Britannia and Northern Pangaea|
Northernmost: Greenland | Gayman Islands | Acadia | St. Pierre and Miquelon | Cancanada
Gulf of Mexico: Pen Island | Tropico | Orgasm
Caribbean: Martinique | Bermuda Triangle | British Virgin Islands | Cayman Islands | Monkey Island | Puerto Rico | U.S. Virgin Islands