American University in Cairo

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American University in Cairo
Motto Dance like an Egyptian
Established September 9, 1919 (OS)
School type Private
Head Ra the Sun God
Location Cairo, Land of Sphinx's, Egypt
Campus Urban, 380 acres/154 hectares
Endowment U.S. $29.2 billion
Faculty 565 (Tenured: 560)
Mascot Omar the Terrorist Mummy

The American University in Cairo (AUC) is a world renowned institution for training Islamist terrorists using traditional American methods as seen in other examples such as Osama Bin Laden and his homies. The university is still recovering from the Team America[Fuck Yeah!] attack on Egypt in their attempt to capture Durka Dukra Mohammed Jihad in 2004.

Old Campus[edit]

The campus is located in downtown Cairo to take advantage of the fumes(Carbon Monoxide, etc..) from the 30,000,000 vehicles that pass by as they have be proven to enhance the thinking process by killing your brain cells. A second advantage from this downtown campus that is dissected by 5782 roads, is that it allows the students ample opportunity to exercise as they run across the road darting and weaving trying to avoid that bus going at 100 kilometers per hour that might take them before they do something that is going to get them those hot, smoking and totally *%[email protected] virgins in heaven. Lets not forget those that choose to come by car, an additional level of suffering is added to their misery as they rove the streets of downtown Cairo looking for a parking spot much the same way a creature of the night looks for its prey.

The most dangerous of all the hazards that AUC students faced on the old campus were the cats. These cats were no normal street urchins but seasoned urban predators capable of intimidating and taking down prey several times their size. Many an innocent was incapable of escaping the cats, It was only the vigilant who were capable of escaping their grasp.

The scene moments before another attack on an innocent AUC student.

AUC has also been actively building a larger and more advanced training center on top of a plateau outside of Cairo. However due to numerous problem the administration has come forward with this estimate in an attempt to calm the masses "The new campus should be finished shortly after the arrival of the Second Coming of (Christ) but before judgment day. God and Chuck Norris have already RSVPed for the grand opening". Once the completion of the New Campus was announced it caused a spontaneous and joyous mass ejaculation from the entire student body the likes of which has never been seen before.

One of the more fluid momments on the roads of Cairo.

The Move[edit]

Perhaps the darkest period in the history of the university, so dark it made the Congo look like Norway. Students and faculty were delighted to know that they would learn and teach in the dangerously unfinished new facilities located in the middle of the desert with sporadic supplies or water, electricity, food and no air conditioning whatsoever. The administration explained the circumstances as an attempt to "intelligently incorporate stylistic elements from the pre-electricity age and post-invasion Iraq; exactly what our students would have desired if we had allowed them to provide input during the planning process.".

Another aspect of this move was that the construction of the university dorm was not finished leaving nearly 1000 student homeless. This of course was a response to the constant demand of study abroad students for an increased experience of local culture and what better way to do this than to roam the street of Cairo with no place to go. I hope you are happy whitey.

This entire episode culminated in what was perhaps the most spontaneous and popular student action that AUC's student body had ever undertaken. Hopes were high and the administration quaked in its boots and tired a last ditch attempt to calm the masses by outright bribing the students with food stamps which horribly failed (Oh, wait, no it didn't, it actually worked. Thus the impotence and apathy of AUC's student body was clearly exposed as they sold out their own rights for a mere 45 dollar rebate.). OH THE SHAME! THE SHAME!

The move period is known by many names but it is perhaps best known as the "What the Fuck" period.

The move caused many people to ask God: WTF!?
AUC's president contemplating his own awesomeness!

New Campus[edit]

The New Campus

As the dreaded move period ended as the prophecies had foretold people truly began to appreciate the increased size of the facilities of the campus as well as the calm and far cleaner environment provided by the new facilities. They also began to appreciate daily commutes that were tripled from 1 to 3 hours as well as the increased mediation time they were beginning to enjoy due to being in the middle of the desert.

Student Union[edit]

The Student Union (SU) is a perfect example the values the transparent and benevolent Egyptian government has instilled in its people about democracy and the election process. During the election period the campus is overrun with smear campaigns, vote buying, gang wars and croneying as is characteristic of all proper democratic election. But the similarities of a body to serve the people don't stop there, embezzlement, money hoarding and fear mongering are also present making this an almost perfect image of utopia.

This is of course aside from the fact that most AUC students just don't give a damn about the Student Union. How else would you explain voter turn out being less than one fifth the size of the student body and a president being elected even though he received less than 800 votes (Thats less than 13% of the student body). Or maybe its because they care so much that theirs heads explode on election day. I guess no one will ever know.

A favorite campaigning tactic in AUC elections, the firing line.

Student Body[edit]

Here we can see a "Gucci" taking part in one of the universities more dificult courses, coloring 101.

Although the student body is basically terrorists, terrorists in training or sympathizers there are more subtle divisions.

  • Gucci Kids: These are by far the most humble and down trodden of all the student body. They are forced to drive down to campus in their Porches and Mercedes while others enjoy the sights, sounds and smells of Cairo as they walk, take the bus or get sexually assaulted as they make their way down to Campus. They are forced to suffer further humiliation as they get bumped into as they and their belongings sit on the stairs (multi tiered chairs and not a mode of movement from one floor to another, I mean what is levitation for? duh!), this is almost as bad as getting run over by a minivan when you decide to take a nap on the highway, I mean some people can be so inconsiderate.
  • Self Righteous: These people have taken one introductory course to something or another and now think they are geniouses, they are the only people in the planet in possesstion of that knowledge, forget that the course has been going on for the past 10 years because it does not matter. They have arrived and they are taking us to the promise land, fucking children. You can see some of these people writting for some of the universities publications such as the Caravan(smells of sweaty bedeuion and camel shit) or Dimensions(Best used to correct dimensions, such as putting it under the leg of an uneven table).(Yes the LEAD newspaper is such a piece of crap that its not going to be mentioned in this parody.)
  • Study Abroad: Ooooooooooo, white people! These are the commie liberal bastards that have come to co-operate with terrorist elements and the same time take a vacation. Obviously they don’t hang out with the well off people of Cairo because if you shower on daily basis you are not really as cultural or ethnic as that one eyed farmer with a strange fondness for his sheep.
  • Graduate Students: The university supposedly has over 1000 graduate student that are constantly stretching their intellectual horizons. There has yet to be a confirmed sighting or conclusive proof that they exist.
  • The "Seddik": Perhaps the strangest of all the elements present within the AUC community. This anomaly has been seen by almost all of the AUC community and is avoided like the plague due to fear of it possessing other worldly powers that would vaporize mortal beings. There have been confirmed reports of the anomaly being present at the university as early as the late 1980's and its presence continues until today. All are baffled by its presence and inability at moving on.

University Services[edit]

One of the better days at the AUC cafeteria.
  • Cafeteria: As an added bonus to the car fumes the university also provides an eatery for it students. Known as the "Caf" or "Seventh Circle of Hell" it is filled with variety of different food stuffs. Such examples would be the Cockroach Sandwich, week old "fresh" juice and for the more health oriented individuals the grub kebab.
  • Buses: In its great wisdom the university administration decided that it would be a necessity to provide a transport its students and faculty to and from its new desert location. However, administration that opposed to creating and caring for such a service on its own ensuring the comfort and safety of its staff and student it would leave the job to a private contractor because if its one thing that private contractors are known for it is their utmost care for their customers and not a zealot like drive to gouge their patrons for as much money as possible.
One of the many dangers encountered while riding an AUC bus.
  • Dorms: The embodiment of the latent homosexual undertones of Egyptian society. This is made abundantly clear from the very rules of the dorms that justifies the segregation of the sexes as being in accordance with "Egyptian custom". This is also reenforced by the constant transformation of all dorm activities into cockfests.


The university was originally founded by American expats in order to impose their imperialistic heathen dog ideas and take the local women. It was then promptly taken over the local goat fucker association and converted into a house of ill reputation for their organization. A formal Jihad was then launched in 1997 by the general populace that cleansed the complexes and organized them into the terror cell that it is today.

Notable alumni[edit]

  • Suzanne Mubarak, Queen of Egypt.
  • Gamal Murarak, Crown Prince of Egypt.
  • Rania Al-Abdullah of Jordan, Queen of Jordan and the reason the phrase MILF was invented.

See also[edit]