American flag lapel pin

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The primary tool used by experts to seek out the terrorists living among us.

The American flag lapel pin is the most comprehensive and scientifically sound method of testing individuals' patriotism to date. It has been in official use by Fox News and most Republican caucuses since it's introduction in 1943, and it's later re-institution 1981.

History of the American flag lapel pin[edit]

The need for a patriotism test has been evident since the signing of the Constitution. Simply signing the damn thing wasn't enough, and since the invention of crossing your fingers had been around for half a millennium, taking an oath of allegiance wasn't going to cut it either.

In 1943, an American scientist by the name of Nicholas Nowinski took on the task of developing a method of testing for patriotism. All photos of Nowinski were destroyed because it was later exposed that he was a communist. Nowinski worked long and hard, cooking up the perfect, most foolproof way to tell a God-fearing Freedom Fry from a slimy French fry. Finally, he had it. The theory was that if a visible badge of pure liberty could be created and made widely available on all truck stop counters nationwide, then only the true Americans would purchase and wear that badge. The lapel was chosen as the site for this symbol, just higher than one's heart to make it even more visible when sitting behind a news desk.

The project was brought to a screeching halt after uber-American Joseph McCarthy nailed him as a communist. Who knew?

Second revival of the lapel pin[edit]

After his election, American hero Ronald Reagan revived the program, which was code named Operation: Adam-N-Steve, in 1981 in order to assist the media in being absolute asses. Since then, we have caught more than 4 terrorists running for public office for a total of 5 in the last 26 years.

The only people excused from wearing the lapel pin. Watch closely, and you can see Bill O'Reilly's American flag tongue ring when he's barking at minorities.

The official chart[edit]

Here is the original chart developed by Nowinski. See where you fall. See how your parents do, too.

If the individual...It means...
Wears the lapel pin in all social situationsThey are extra special Americans which makes them much better than you.
Occasionally wears the lapel pinThey are fair weather Americans, Democrats, and cut-n-runners. Favor pot legalization and child porn.
Doesn't wear the pin, says their patriotism will show through actionsBlack presidential candidate, terrorist, or both.
The President of the United States of America wearing his love for his country right on his lapel.


While it was originally designed to be a foolproof idea, the lapel pin has several faults that were overlooked in development. The major flaw is that anyone can wear it. The lapel pin is supposed to be worn by patriotic Americans, and any American who wears one is a patriot. But terrorists who have gotten a hold of these pins may also affix them to their lapel/turban/robes and pass as God fearing Americans. Illegal immigrants have also tried to use the pins to cross the border into God's Second Promised Land with great success. Border patrol is simply unable to tell who is legal and who isn't when they wear the lapel pin.

What we're doing about it[edit]

The Bush administration has developed special, self-destructing American flag lapel pins to distribute to potential terrorists and illegal aliens. If the wearer of such a pin were to do anything un-American, such as speak a foreign language, read communist paraphernalia, drive foreign cars, or play foreign video games, as well as visit un-American websites, the pin would light up and begin to play the opening to Larry the Cable Guy's christmas CD. After about three seconds, it would explode.

See also[edit]