“A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man - which he proposes to pay off with your money. –”
American liberals, also known as moonbats, champagne socialists, or Bolsheviks, are people who support protectionist programs like universal healthcare and industry regulations but at the same time hate the American people, who believe in individual liberty and unfettered free speech as primary political values but at the same time hate freedom; who advocate church and state to be separated and oppose religoius extremism but at the same time support Islam and terrorists like the Hamas; and who support reason and rational thinking but at the same time, as the previous statements clearly illustrate, love logical paradoxes (liberals hate liberty etc). In general, they see dictatorships where they are not, and democracies where they are not. Liberal men and women alike have vaginas. Liberals procreate by entering a diabetic seizure due to a lack of blood sugar caused by their refusal to eat meat. Once in their seizure, the liberals summon the pagan forces of mother earth and woman is impregnated with a weak bastard child who will probably grow up to be an emo kid who hates his parents.
Originally Liberal meant a free man or free person who believes that rights and liberties came from God, as with the founding fathers of the USA like George Washington. However, they were right-wingers and also known as Conservatives, which is known as Classic Liberalism. Ever since the Hippie movement in the USA the Modern Liberalism was based on the left-wing Communism and the second definition of Liberal which means lawless foreigner or lawless citizen that hates their nation and all it stands for. American liberals use the Modern Liberal version founded by Hippies and Communists, while Europe and the rest of the world have a different version of liberal and Liberalism. American liberalism rejected God and religion and believes in peace and equal rights, but only for fellow liberals and not others.
Their primary political party is the Dictatorcrats. Liberals and Dictatocrats dare not support their own political values; they only exist so that conservatives can tell them they are wrong. Almost everything in the US is liberal-biased including television, luminance signals in component video systems, the color of cars and the flavor of internet coffee phone.
The Dictatocratic party
The Dictatorcratic Party's predominant positions since the 1930s have generally been considered liberal (i.e. communist). Communism generally has a different meaning outside the United States from its meaning in the U.S., but in an international context, the views of the Dictatocratic party are often considered conservative, and in some Europeans countries like France, they are considered Far-right. Generally, in Europe everything to the right of The New Forced Labour Party (Tony Blair Witch's party) is called the right-wing (even the British Liberal Democrat Party).
The ideology of the party evolves basically around: Centralized Economic Planning (effective government in theory, ineffective government in practice), the Welfare State (safety net? nah, more like a hammock), high-taxes (fair share, 'cuz it's NO FAIR that people enjoy in fruits of their labors without giving most of it to people who have no desire to work (crowding out the people who actually do need a hand-up)), free and unrestricted abortion (need that baby, oops!, I mean blob of cells dead just as it's crowning, no problem!), open borders (MS-13's got a cocaine run that NEEDS to be in LA by the 27th, oh and some guy named Osama wants to hitch a ride with this heavy briefcase...), gun prohibition (well, MS-13 has got to protect the shipment somehow) and racial-preferences (racism, no matter how you slice it). The Party believes that America is divided between oppressors (White Christian males, businessmen, middle class, wealthy people, private companies and rural southerners etc..) and oppressed people (low-income people, women, minorities, gays, Atheists and other non-Christians etc....), and therefore, only the omnipotence and the omniscience of the government can stop this injustice and reverse it. To fullfill this honorable purpose, they raise taxes on the middle class and on small businesses, punish the rich for their inherent evil, fight against corporate fascism (as opposed to that nice, old-fashioned fascism (or socialism) in China, Iran, Venezuela, Zimbabwe, and Mexico, among other places), and defend free-speech by regulating the media (aka Fox News and AM talk radio shows).
The rule of the liberals in the 90s
"How are you gentlemen?" -DailyKosBlogger
"It's you!" -Uncylopedian Captain
"You have no chance to survive edit war, take your time." -DailyKosBlogger
The economy of the United States was brought to its knees during the 90s as a result of a 1.2% tax increase of the wealthier citizens of the USA. This tax raise coupled with reduced federal spending led to the first budget surplus since 1969 (when the Dictatorcrats were also in power). Clinton also introduced the Family and Medical Leave Act of 1993, which allowed lazy people to leach of their employers by pretending they were sick.
After Clinton had destroyed the economy by wasting money designed to be spent on chemical weapons on things like education he decided he wanted to reduce the stability of the world and the national security of the USA by fostering peace between the USA and North Korea, opened some form of diplomacy with Cuba, between Israel and Palestine and by tracking down and prosecuting Nidal Ayyad, Mahmoud Abouhalima, Ahmad Ajaj, and Ramzi Yousef, the 1995 World Trade Center bombers. The 2001 WTC bombers remain at large. It has been hypothesized that the reason for this is because of George Bush, but he is a Republican, making this physically impossible. Clinton also wanted to compromise the security of the United States by allowing fruits to enter the armed forces.
Since the God-blessed Republicans have come to power the damage caused by the Dictatorcrats is slowly but surely being rectified. The USA and North Korea are on the verge of war and suicide bombings and Israeli "surgical strikes" (strikes on hospitals) are more rampant than ever. Bill Clinton’s counterterrorism initiative was abandoned when the Republicans came to office leading to the deaths of 2,973 people during the greatest terrorist strike in history. The emperor of the Republican party, George Bush, tried his best to stop the attacks, but since he was on vacation at the time he decided it was too much like work.
The above section was obviously hijacked by an "American Liberal", SEE they do exist. And they seem to thrive on disinformation and hijacking the Republican party by supporting Ron Paul. American Liberals like Stephen Colbert pretend to be Republicans, and thus create Straw men for other American Liberals to burn down in public blogs and wikis like The Daily KOS or Wikipedia. We know this information to be false, as Bill Clinton is a Closet Republican pretending to be an American Liberal, and all this section ever was would be a strawman to burn Clinton and Republicans as well. A real Republican would never stoop to such levels, and instead would be more fair and balanced.
Global Warming is liberal Al Gore's plan for world domination. Who also is well known for being the inventor of the internet. Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize for scaring the shit out of anyone gullible enough to believe in global warming, and also annoying the hell out of the conservatives and neocons who claim global warming does not exist. Like the academy awards, the Nobel Peace Prize is also rigged by liberals to only award it to those they are in a conspiracy with. That is why Ronald Reagan never won the Nobel Peace Prize, but fellow Liberal Mikhail Gorbachev did win one. Al Gore wrote a book and a movie on global warming, and won some Oscar Awards for his movie. Al Gore would have run for US President in 2008, but he is too busy fighting global warming and selling carbon credits and working for Apple Computers to help them sell iPods and iPhones and Macintosh Computers which use so much electricity that they pollute out a lot of CO2 as a result. So buy some carbon credits to help win the war on global warming.
Liberals who support the global warming religion are known as Climate Nazis, who march in lockstep with their Fuhrer Al Gore, who is really the Liberal version of Adolph Hitler according to conservative talk show host Glenn Beck.
American liberalism as a religion
All American liberals are, by default, Militant Atheists. That means they are very religious. You heard me. Science in general and evolution in particular is apparently a religion so why not liberalism? Since liberals are all violent, intolerant and close-minded this makes them perfect for founding their own religion. The deity that liberals worship is Athe. Since she often takes the form of an owl she’s considered wise and nerdy; perfect for liberals.
The primary ritual of this religion is sacrificing babies to Athe. This grizzly ritual is called an abortion. Dictatorcrats (and some Republicans, like former governor William Weld) like to say this is simply a matter of personal freedom and of keeping the government out of peoples lives, but its really because they are Athe fearing and always strive to please Athe. Pleasing your personal deity is often messy and unpleasant.
Athe is generally jealous of the God that Republicans worship since they don’t mind killing actual babies in foreign countries whereas Athe only receives embryos in an early stage of development. Atheists believe that one’s spirit is contained within one’s nervous system, so week old embryos don’t count as humans in the way that adult doctors do.
All liberals, including liberal gods, are bleeding hearts. A bleeding heart might expect to kill a person in less than a minute, but they some how seem to survive. They’re witches perhaps? Anyway, that point aside, a bleeding heart is someone who cares about and even worries about the well being of others; they even care about animals. In fact the only thig an American liberal doesn't care about is the unborn baby. The American conservative God, Yahweh, isn’t quite so compassionate and has been described as “the most unpleasant character in all of fiction”. An example of his "unpleasant" nature may be the Book of Job.
Job lived with the Good Witch of the North in the Land of Oz in 12 AD. Job ran a youth centre to provide entertainment, help and support for local munchkins and ran a charity designed to stop every bad thing that occurred in this universe and all parallel universes.
One day Satan, a quasi-liberal (quasi-liberal because he causes bleeding hearts with his fork as opposed to being a bleeding heart himself) went to the Republican god, God. God told Satan about Job and what a good job he was doing on Earth and told Satan “he kisses my arse every day”. Satan said “Yeah, but if you killed his wife, children and animals and you destroyed his home and made him come down with a horrible disease he won’t like you so much then".
God didn’t understand why Job would be so upset so he went ahead and did that. He didn’t have any weapons himself, so he called Arial Sharon and asked him to get the Israeli armed forces to fire some missiles to kill Jobs family and close friends and to destroy his house and youth centre (and, to add insult to injury, the missile killed all the munchkins inside too).
A beleaguered Job finally asked God why he did it. God's answer underscores that Job shares the world with numerous powerful and remarkable creatures, creatures with lives and needs of their own, whom God must provide for, and the young of some hunger in a way that can only be satisfied by taking the lives of others.
Job’s response was “what the mother fucking hell are you talking about you fucking psycho! You killed my friends and family just to prove a point to Satan! To SATAN for fucks sake! I ain't kissing your holy arse again!”
Since Athe is a bleeding heart she doesn’t like punishing pious and kind men in such a horrific fashion just to prove a point to the prince of darkness, she doesn’t promote the idea of taking the lives of others; she would probably just increased the taxes that Job had to pay.
American Liberals who follow Athe, worship her human form of Nancy Pelosi, and are known as Liberal Nazis, as Nancy's grandfather was Hitler according to right-wing bloggers who also claim that Barack Obama and other liberals have connections to Hitler as well. Before Nancy Pelosi it was Jimmy Carter who also has Hitler as his grandfather. Godwin would be proud.
Bill Clinton is a classic example of an extremist liberal. Satan sent Bill Clinton to the planet Earth on the 19th of August 1946. Satan had a plan for Bill Clinton in mind: God’s righteous followers in the Unholy Land have been fighting one another ever since we first invented him. God likes this because he finds it a laugh riot. Satan’s plan was to place liberal Clinton in the driving seat of the American political machine with one purpose: negotiate a ceasefire and bring peace to the Middle East. God’s on-Earth kykeopath Arial Sharon fucked this up good and proper by starting the second intifada so evil liberal Clinton was instructed by Satan to carry out other evil liberal acts instead; such as impeding the onset of the Rapture by reducing global warming.
During Clinton’s reign “the U.S. enjoyed continuous economic expansion, reductions in employment, and growing poverty through a massive growth in the stock market (the "crash" occurred in 2000 after Clinton left office)”. This is an example of liberal spin from the liberal wasteland that is Wikipedia. What that statement really means is that the richest of the rich (the richest 2% of the population) were pressured with unbearable tax rates as high as 39.6% The browbeaten fat cats were sometimes unable to install new swimming pools in their chateaus.
Just like George Bush, Bill Clinton always tells the American public the truth on important issues such as extra-marital affairs with White House interns, illicit drug use, and offensive wars against unarmed foreign states. Clinton did not have sex with Monica Lewinski, Clinton did not inhale, Clinton was right about Iraq having weapons of mass destruction in 1998 to the American Public for reasons we should go to war with them in the future (like 2003). George Bush said he was faithful to his wife Laura, that he did cocaine in college and got a DUI, that he didn't mess around with any interns, and that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction based on the 1998 intelligence report that Bill Clinton left him before he took office.
Bill Clinton's evil actions
Bill Clinton’s domestic priorities were “to create a universal health care system, improve education, increase local police forces, restrict handgun sales, balance the federal budget, strengthen environmental regulations, improve race relations, have sexual relations with white house interns, lie about afore-mentioned sexual relations, and protect the jobs of workers during pregnancy or medical emergency”. Where do we start? Here are the ways to recognise that Bill Clinton is a liberal from this mass of data:
- Bill Clinton wanted to take money from the rich and give it to poor people, robin hood style. Of course we all know the only reason that people are poor is because they don’t work hard enough. People who don’t work hard enough don’t deserve help of any kind. They are just lucky that they are allowed to live because when you do the economic math, poor people don't have any reason to be alive. Then again, euthanasia is satanic. That's why we have the death penalty.
- If public education is brought up to a decent standard then people who are born in to poor families (families that don’t work hard enough) may gain knowledge and even go on to university. If this happens the poor people may gain wealth and even have happy lives. This is unacceptable.
- One bi-product of the former policy is that poor people; people who know the horrors of living in slums where no employment is available, I mean people that don’t work hard, may become politicians (if they get degrees in politics from gaining knowledge from Clinton’s decent education system) they may feel that the millions of other poor people like them deserve help. This has two results: 1.Everyone will magically get rich and get great jobs, even illegal imigrants 2. All the world problems will be solved including global warming, poverty, and cults.
- Increasing local police forces will invariably occur in places were poor people live (since the rich people are already well protected). The result of this is that the rich will end up paying so that the poor can have a nice comfortable prison cell which will allow then to survive their prison sentence. This is coddling criminals.
- As any evangelical will tell you guns are part of the constitution. It is hardly surprising that Clinton wants to get rid of guns since the Republicans support the constitution (except when the president and a majority of the members of the House and Senate are members of their party) and Willy does the oppisite of what Republicans do.
- Balancing the federal budget just gives money to poor people and whipping the rich to work even harder, after all they are the luckiest people on earth who dont not deserve their money, and therefore should be punished”. The fact that this is disguised behind evil liberal spin is bad enough; but the fact that Clinton is trying to destroy the lives of American workers and improve the lives of America’s unemployed people. I think I am going to vomit. This is why any fiscal policy that does not involve the federal government defaulting is evil, cruel, sick and wrong.
- NAFTA, welfare reform, and "don't-ask-don't-tell" (uh...some liberal will delete this or figure out how to blame it on the evil right-wingers!)
- As has been mentioned trying to save the Earth from the reckless actions of mankind which are presently causing its decay for life on Earth (for Humans at least; bacteria will be fine after we’re extinct) is just another way of saying: “we want to copulate with trees”.
- Improving race relations is just a crafty guise for trying to say that not all non-white people are going to Hell. How anyone can believe such a thing and try to convince people it’s true is a prime example of the madness of liberals.
- Protecting people during pregnancy will invariably mean helping women. As the Bible, the ultimate word of the gracious god almighty, will tell you: women are worthless objects sent to Earth merely to please men – the only important beings. The gracious leader Moses knew this and ordered a policy of serial rape after he conquered the Midianite people.
- People who are in an medical emergency are obviously too lazy to afford health insurance and therefore do not deserve to be helped.
- He helped make America more politically correct, like to have white people not say things about niggers, men not to harrass women at work, and erased our borders to allow more Mexicans to come and stay here. Now that's evil!
Bill Clinton's justification for his evil actions
Now of course the liberals of America and elsewhere are swaggering arrogant jerks who always know they are right and are not emendable to argument. Here are the ways that a liberal will respond to those wholly fair points:
- The solution of all problems is invariably the application of money and the commissioning of properly multicultural focus groups.
- All human beings are of equal worth; you cannot label a human life as being worth more than another merely because of that person’s wealth. Rather, you must take into account that person's ethnicity, sexual orientation, and religious identity.
- All humans should have the same rights, ideally across the world, but especially in a first world developed country like the United Sates. The right to a decent education is one of these fundamental rights. If a young person who is gifted and hard working is born into a poor family then they should be encouraged to achieve their maximum potential and be provided with whatever is needed along the way. When this child grows up to be an adult they will most likely be a valued member of society as a result of their gifts.
- If that person then goes on to make life better for the masses that is surely a good thing; after all isn’t the ideal of the united states life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness? People do not necessarily know what is best for mankind merely because they are wealthy; what is best for mankind is a subjective matter and rich people have a tendency to make the majority more miserable.
- More police in small towns will indeed increase the number of people who abide by the rule of law. This will result in safer communities where people feel secure walking out of doors. If these people happen to be poor they still deserve this service since the government has an obligation to tend to all people regardless of the their wealth.
- Guns have one purpose: to kill. This may mean the killing of Human beings. The former action of making people feel safer and secure in their neighborhoods is not going to be improved by the fear of being killed, but it will be improved by knowing that if they're attacked they can fire off a literal stream of bullets that'll tear up their attacker and everything around them Rambo style. School shootings have been going on for years as a result of the ability to pick up guns and Doom so easily. Gun control will rectify this problem to make school children feel more safe and secure and tighter gun control could save thousands of lives. Surely God doesn’t want to see his creations being destroyed one by one?
- ”balancing the federal budget” means just that. An attempt to change the United States from an oligarchy back to a democratic republic. The wealth distribution in the United States is the worst of all countries on the planet Earth. This was an attempt to leave the foreign debt Clinton inherited from Bush the First into a budget surplus. He achieved that with admirable success. Another objective was to allow poorer people to gain more wealth and lead happier lives at the expense of the richest of the rich losing at most 6% of their vast unimaginable wealth. Does your heart bleed for these billionaires? It must; you’re a liberal.
- Improving race relations via unrestricted immigration and reinforcing racial differences is an attempt to integrate black and white, American and Asian and Puerto Rican and Mexican people so they can all people to be happy. Allowing all people to live together happily is surely the first priority of a first world country like the United States.
- The construction of federal puppy factories and beer volcanoes is a use of public funds that make paying higher taxes utterly worthwhile.
Conservatives in America hate Democrats for many reasons, but their encouragement of progressive values and equal rights piss them off the most. Here is a typical conservative rant on the issue:
|One of the most pressing issues within the democratic party is the idea that every person has the same rights as everyone else. That means blacks and whites are equal, as are people of all races and faiths (other than Jews if you're asking Jimmy Carter). This also means Mexicans can break US laws and not get prosecuted, just like any single one of us, if by every one of us you mean Ted Kennedy. Indeed, all men are created equal, except the scum of the earth, the rich white guy.
You should be ashamed of yourselves. Other than Michael Moore, he's an okay rich white guy.
This less-than-subtle, facetious and sarcastic statement was made by Bill O’Reilly on an episode of the O’Reilly Equation (known today as the O’Reilly Factor) in 1066.
American liberals think all countries should be on a level playing field, including:
- Arming North Korea (unlike Republican Bill Clinton, who got them to turn off their nuclear reactors, Democrat George Bush screwed up the deal and got them to turn them back on, 'course, the reactor was planned during the Carter administration)
- Ignoring Chinese military buildups (Like when Democrat Henry Kissinger took his secret trip to China)
- Supporting middle eastern dictatorships  (when they weren't even in power. it is worth noting that the Democrat Donald Rumsfeld shook hands with the late Saddam Hussein Democrat Ronald Reagan sold him weapons and dual-use nuclear technology after he gassed his own people, so they did support dictators, even when they weren't in the White House. There's no holding back the evil arm of the Democrats!). Also refusing to recognize the horrors visited on Vietnam and Cambodia (1/3 of the population dead at the hands of the Khmer Rouge) after the Democrats pulled the US out of SE Asia, plus the ex-American territorial Philippines.
- The Democrats don’t support Israel, of course, because Israel plans to nuke Iran, and wussy liberals don't believe nuclear-warfare is a good thing. Except if it's Iran that's firing the nuke against Israel, which is impossible, 'cuz everybody knows that when he's talking about "wiping Israel off the map" while vigorously pursuing nuclear power even though Iran is floating on natural gas, he's just joshin'.
- Following the Peter Griffin School of Counterterrorism:
"The best thing we can do is ignore terrorism and pretend it doesn't exist. Just like we do with the squid." (Golden Gate Bridge is blown up, dirty bomb goes off in Manhattan, anthrax is released in Chicago) "Uh, earthquake!" "Truck goin' by..."
Even though they say that conservatives are racists, they're the REAL racists. Have you ever watched a sitcom? You never see white people at church. But black people go to church all the time in those sitcoms. Therefore, the liberals are racists that think blacks are so dumb that they need religion, but white people have evolved out of it. Liberals are racist jerks, and have been sense the civil rights movement!
Notice that it was the liberals that wanted slavery?
PETA Griffin is a grosly overweight liberal who only cares about animals. It is very suspicious that he once said "bestiality is a sin" when he was taking about his dad. Some people have suggested both he and his dad make love to animals at their secret animal terrorist training camp codenamed Bohemian Grove. PETA Griffin is the head of the liberal religion and all American liberals bow down before him and the liberal god: an owl.
In the year 1997 Lisa Simpson started a club for people indulging in Zoophilia under cover of an animal rights group. She chose PETA to be the president of the organization and named the group after him.
Liberal Radicals exist, but they have been indoctrinated by a book called ""The Catcher in the Rye"" during high school or college time. One of them Mark David Chapman tried to kill off The Beatles. Most of them come to Uncyclopedia and vandalize articles to make them less factual and act like an idiot. Although some of them try to make fun of other liberals who aren't as ultra-left-wing as the Liberal Radicals are. One of them, who called himself the Unabomber (a nickname he got from playing Dungeons and Dragons in the 1980's, he claims it sounds much better than calling himself "Theodore Kaczynski") was against technology and sent mail bombs to computer labs, and from time to time one of his mail bombs ends up near a Wikia server and takes down the one that serves Uncyclopedia. Apparently he can still make bombs in prison and mail them, because a Radical Liberal judge granted all prisoners that right to bomb making classes as a form of rehabilitating prisoners. Some are so radical that they actually support Ron Paul even if Ron Paul is a Neocon pretending to be a Radical Liberal to win their votes, and is as bad as George W. Bush ever was or will be if elected to office. What ever happened to conservative radicals David Duke or Ross Perot? We need him now...or better yet, get the most radical leftist American politician Ralph Nader on the other line.
The Blue Mennace's Communistic Plan
Even today democacy is being threatned by liberals as their numbers grow rapidly by the day. Their plan is take over the U.S, and transform it in the U.S.S.A(United Socialist States of America). Though there seems to be no hope for Republicans and democracy since Obhama continues to win every damn vote in site and a dream of a socialist country with the complete genocide of newborn infants. Whatever happens democracy will fall by the liberals and pretty much the end of all freedom.
True facts and other reliable liberal sources on the Internet:
- A Republican Party
- Democratic Party of the Internet
- UnBooks:I don't like Conservatives, but I really fucking hate Liberals!
|This article may be Overly American. Brits may not understand humor, only humour. Canadians and Australians may not understand anything at all. Don't not attempt to remedy this.|