Amstrad

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The most powerful black box ever to be released, the Amstrad 39900V2.

Amstrad is a company founded by British business man Alan SugarDaddy who also maintains a foundation for teenage girls suffering from nymphomania and a compulsion to strip naked and pose for internet cameras. The company specialised in the field of creating small to average sized black boxes that do absolutely nothing unless you count demonstrating the color black and proving gravity works something.

Amstrad initiated the 8-bit computer porn movement, known as blockophilia.

Origins[edit]

Originally the company was to be known as Cock, in order to compete with the already popular computer company Wang Laboratories. Shareholders objected, so Sugar settled on the name Amstrad.

The company was founded in the past, and set-out to provide users with the experience they'd come to expect from computing of the the time. i.e. paying a lot of money in order to see monochrome boxes chasing monochrome boxes around a monochrome maze. Amstrad is credited with the emergence of blockophilia - the practice of becoming sexually aroused by monochrome boxes.

During the initial three years of Amstrad, the 33 employees adopted a staggered tea break system, due to the company only having 3 tea cups available.

Tea making facilities[edit]

The 80s saw increasing demand for Amstrad computers. The rising revenues allowed Amstrad to invest heavily in tea cups. By 1986, the Amstrad canteen boasted 17 tea cups and cake was often served on Friday.

Changing product range[edit]

In 1994, Amstrad shareholders were concerned that the company had too many assets invested in computer manufacturing and tea-making facilities, the company by then having 40 tea cups in their canteen. Amstrad began making set-top boxes for Sky, helping bring poor quality television and disappointing soft-porn to millions of UK house-holds.

At the time, other computer manufacturers had leapt ahead in video technology, and had switched to using disposable cups in their canteens. Amstrad all but left the computer business, leaving blockophiliacs resorting to Jenga in order to satisfy their cuboid sexual needs.

Set-top boxes[edit]

Amstrad was just a small black box company manufacturing in East London when it first began in 1997. The demand for small to average size black boxes shot up as the world entered the new millennium and the company completely cleaned up regardless of the destruction of the myth regarding the size of black boxes. Mind you, other box colors could have been produced but it was the mystery of a box being black that convinced the manufacturers that a black box it must be, because once you go black, you never go back. Its current advertising campaign involves the black box being in a rocky field surrounded by major party neocons who throw bones in the air.

Whats the point?[edit]

Amstrad doesn't exist like normal companies do. It's transcendental (man). It operates by manufacturing products you've never used or even heard of under different sub division names which the writer has also never heard of or at this time written about. Recent business reports have suggested that it is highly likely Amstrad owns up to 65% of the easily beguiled. However, due to the nature of the unknown, it is impossible to speculate how much profit this actually generates per annum. According to Amstrad business gnomes, you build the box, then ?, equals profit.