Amtrak

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For those without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia think they have an article about Amtrak.

“Never heard of it.”

~ Most Americans
The arrow always points in the right direction.

Amtrak is a tracking system designed by our very own technologically superior commander George Dubya Bush while holding a prestigious appointment at the Academy of Sciences and Society (A.S.S.). The name itself comes from a combination of the words "American" and "Tracking", although the word "Device" has been removed. Designed to be the most sophisticated network of tracking devices, Amtrak was created to single out individuals who were not patriotic enough. Those patriotic enough will ride airplanes instead. Amtrak does this at an incredibly fast rate of up to 30mph (56.33 km/h on good days) while disguised as innocent locomotives. Most of the time Amtrak succeeds in tracking down individuals faster than your run-in-the-mill cops (after breakfast only). It has however, been subject to intense scrutiny after Usain Bolt beat it in chasing down a white-collared criminal (who later sued for reverse-discrimination). According to various trusted news sources such as The Inquirer, Amtrak was slightly behind the times but are otherwise using health-care reform money to fund its improvement. It has been suggested that Usain Bolt has been offered a contract by Amtrak to pull Amtrak cars so that they could reach their destinations faster. This method has already been proven to work in China.

Service[edit]

Unlike these companies, Amtrak does not cut corners.

Amtrak is known for its impeccable service--it has only been surpassed by the services of a few countries such as Britain, France, Germany (Nazi, Commie, AND Capitalist), Spain, Japan, China, India, Australia, South Africa, and increasingly parts of Antarctica as well. The modernity of Amtrak cars means that there are many amenities offered including walls, seats, floors, wheels, and great stationary views of the middle of nowhere. Trains run hourly, although their numbers are often mixed up; i.e.: train 1337 will arrive at 10am while that darn announcement board says 5am. This is NOT due to the advanced propulsion of the train, more likely it is due to Station Managers huffing diesel fumes. Some smaller corporations compete with Amtrak for passenger traffic, the Doobie Brothers for example claimed to have a Long Train Running in the 1980s. The flip-side of their record was called "Replacement Bus Service" and lasted 18 minutes longer than the A-side when played at 33.333333 rpm.

Passengers[edit]

It is often said that you can get a whole car to yourself. That is not a lie. Amtrak insists on giving its passengers maximum satisfaction to its passengers and giving one individual the luxury of a whole car is something that did not go over their heads. This might lead to ticket prices that are just a bit higher than those of other luxury transports such as Chinatown buses, but the difference in prices should not be more than tenfold at the most. With this added price comes the renowned services noted above.