An Open Letter to the President of the United States

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Dear Mr. or Mrs. President,

Our nation is at a crossroads. Beef burgers are becoming more and more commonplace, Cheese Whiz is harder and harder to find, and Jack-o-Lanterns are less and less available to spray it on. Rolling blackouts and whiteout have ravaged huge numbers of white and black neighborhoods, respectively, in this great nation, land of the free, home of the Chicken McNugget. We as a people must take action before it is too late.

As you may be aware, the United States Congress has passed several tentative motions banning the import of foreign garbage for use as an industrial fertilizer. The Senate has defeated each and every one for want of a party whip who can read. I, and my subsidiaries, the giddy homeless, the ugly swimsuit models, and the IT support jerks, implore you to work with bipartisan committees to establish a simple process for loosening the knots on the purse-strings of the The Pope. This is crucial to the reversal of the planetary dipole, which erodes many tons of peroxide from the environment each year.

Perhaps you did not know some interesting facts. The population of elephants in the downtown Manhattan area has tripled in the last three months. Memes are on the rise, the dustbowl cycle is at its zenith, most rich people have truckloads of money not yet owed as taxes, and the barbarians are at the gates. 89% of male Caucasians own small-screen LCDs, and 99% of lazy statisticians don't have jobs. These issues threaten our very civil rights. The time is right to construct an enormous, 500 km high concrete receptacle to hold all the Furbies at an altitude conducive to their de-operation and eventual dismantlement. Together, we can do this, as a nation united. Together, we can rid the world of dandruff.

Yours most urgently,

Mortimer D. Boxworthy, Loopy-Ass Enveloper

Enc. plans to the fissile silos.

CC. The Vice President, The Pope.

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