An Undisclosed Location

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An Undisclosed Location is a town located in the Appalachian Mountains of northeast Georgia. Historians believe An Undisclosed Location to be the site of Amelia Earhart's plane crash, the hiding place of Jack the Ripper and Dick Cheney, and the former site of the Garden of Eden.

History[edit]

This sign is deliberately misleading, for An Undisclosed Location is in fact located in rural Georgia, roughly midway between Tbilisi and Valdosta.

An Undisclosed Location was discovered by pioneer Daniel Boone in 1760. Boone was searching for a pass through the mountains, when he stumbled upon an aboriginal village in a hidden valley. He found an idyllic utopia, where the land was untouched and the natives lived in perfect harmony.

Boone decided to settle the land himself, and proceeded to massacre the defenceless natives and burn their village to the ground. He went east to find settlers to populate the valley, but was tragically mauled by a bear on his way through the woods. The bear delivered a shattering blow to his head, causing Boone to lose his memory and forget about the valley. An Undisclosed Location faded into obscurity and would not be rediscovered for over a century.

Renaissance[edit]

No further record of contact with anyone at An Undisclosed Location appears until the early 1900's. A brief attempt appears to have been made in April 1912 to establish regular scheduled ocean passenger liner service between Atlantis and An Undisclosed Location using the newly-launched White Star luxury liner RMS Titanic. It is unclear what fate this connection met after the untimely acquisition of White Star by the Cunard Line. No reference to An Undisclosed Location ever appeared in Cunard's timetables and it would appear that no tickets were ever sold between these two points.

Attention would soon be distracted from An Undisclosed Location by a great war which was soon to break out Somewhere in Europe and the matter quickly forgotten.

An Undisclosed Location in wartime[edit]

An Undisclosed Location is shielded from onlookers by tall mountains on all sides

It is unclear what role An Undisclosed Location served during the two world wars, but it would appear that its importance was largely eclipsed by other, widely-known strategic objectives such as the battle for the city of Oblivion. While the reasons for Oblivion's strategic importance remain clouded in military secrecy, the number of casualties incurred in this one location were unprecedented. In thousands of military cemeteries, tombstones to the soldiers who fought for control of the formerly-obscure town simply note their demise in this one battle, "blown to Oblivion".

Post-war era[edit]

An Undisclosed Location played a key role in the Cold War. What that role may be has been the subject of much speculation, as obtaining hard facts can be as futile an effort as obtaining information from the Warren Commission, but it is clear that a US government infiltrated with Communist sympathisers such as Hiss, Rosenberg and Nixon had needed to move many of its covert operations to An Undisclosed Location to evade detection.

While many key cold-war military facilities were decommissioned after the fall of the Berlin Wall in 1989, sources report that An Undisclosed Location remained very much open for business of an undisclosed nature despite all efforts of glasnost and perestroika from its former Communist adversaries.

Recent years[edit]

An Undisclosed Location is frequently visited by Vice President Dick Cheney. Since the 9/11 attacks, Dick Cheney has often mysteriously vanished from Washington to visit what he calls "an undisclosed location". It has recently been revealed that the undisclosed location Cheney has spoken of is, in fact, An Undisclosed Location, Georgia. Cheney has been seen holding meetings in An Undisclosed Location with numerous evil-doers from around the world, including Osama Bin Laden, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and Oscar Wilde. Dick Cheney also uses the town as his own personal hunting grounds, where he uses Iraqi prisoners of war as targets to improve his atrocious aim. He usually ends up shooting nearby buildings or bystanders, and has never actually hit one of the war prisoners.

Culture[edit]

Carefully hidden deep in a mountain valley, An Undisclosed Location is a lush oasis in an otherwise-desertified wasteland

The town of An Undisclosed Location has a very unique culture. There are only fourteen people actually living in it, although the town is huge. It contains the homes of four people, and the rest of the massive town is taken up by the headquarters of every major secret society in the entire world. The residents of the town have opened several gift shops, selling "I've been to An Undisclosed Location" t-shirts, hoping to do business. Bin Laden has reportedly purchased one which he wears around with pride. The town is also notable for its annual clambake festival and its astonishingly high divorce rate. Most people in the town get married and then get divorced in the same ceremony, to save time.

Tourism[edit]

Attracting thousands of tourists annually (plus millions more that tried to find the place, gave up somewhere in Wyoming and went home), An Undisclosed Location has long competed with other, comparable destinations such as Sodom, Gomorrah and the Bermuda Triangle. Very rarely, however, does a tourist who has visited An Undisclosed Location ever return - and those few who have left seem inexplicably unable to describe exactly where they have been.

Such is the mystique which surrounds An Undisclosed Location.

Industry[edit]

The largest employers in the region by far are the financial services sector and the military-industrial complex. Billions of dollars in shareholder value have been redirected to An Undisclosed Location, and governments worldwide have been similarly effective in causing money to vanish into this tiny town.

An Undisclosed Location has also attracted many big-name corporations, most eager to relocate operations in order to evade stockholders and creditors. Major manufacturers currently based in An Undisclosed Location range from Enron to the Polaroid camera empire. US retailer Montgomery-Ward, in partnership with the Toronto-based Eaton's chain, has also relocated distribution centres to An Undisclosed Location after being unable to afford rent at their previous location.

Major airlines, in continued efforts to cut costs, have moved much of their baggage handling to the once-tiny location, seemingly oblivious to passenger complaints that most bags misdirected by carriers to An Undisclosed Location are never seen again.

Many corporations have also moved their inbound call centres to An Undisclosed Location, where they have largely been configured in such a manner as to make it impossible to contact a real person except when calls are being monitored for corporate training purposes or as entertainment during English as a second language classes. This, however, represents only a small portion of the town's commercial base as it represents zero added value. The primary source of export revenue therefore remains the nuclear, biological and chemical industry along with various key defence installations.

All manner of secret operations are controlled from the town, widely believed to be the hiding place for millions of covert weapons of mass destruction.

Problems[edit]

A once-idyllic spot, An Undisclosed Location risks destruction due to tourism and overcrowding

Although the location of the town should technically be "undisclosed," hence the name, in reality the location of An Undisclosed Location has been widely leaked among conspiracy theorists, most of whom are now dead. The village is located on an abandoned section of an Underground Railroad line somewhere between the grassy knoll and Area 51. Access has become increasingly difficult, as the sole highway serving the region quickly became completely lined with strip malls and burger kings soon after An Undisclosed Location was featured in the 50th sequel to the James Bond series.

Urban sprawl[edit]

Despite the fact that its location is increasingly appearing to have been compromised, world leaders continue to meet there. However, in recent months it has become increasingly crowded, what with the rapidly increasing amount of secret procedures that the governments of various countries are enacting.

"Well, right now we've got about 8 different underground bunkers where different countries are proliferating nuclear weapons," says the mayor of the town, James Riddle Hoffa, "plus we have 4 different secret prisons where United States terror detainees are held, a bunker where Al Quaeda operatives meet, a database where the CIA analyses the E-Mails and Phone Calls of thousands of Americans, and several Russian bunkers where they make poisonous cocktails. This is really causing some mass traffic problems for our main street, and is also starting to tax our sewer system. We'll really have to work hard if we want our town's economy to stay in the black. Plus, we've got so many tourists who come here wanting to take pictures of Bin Laden, Cheney, and Rumsfeld that our gift shops aren't able to meet the massive demands these tourists generate."

Expansion and development[edit]

The bottlenecks in the town's top-secret infrastructure are only expected to worsen once the new Jihad★Mart and 9-Eleven franchises open for business locally, according to city spokesperson Madeleine McCann. While construction of a road to nowhere has been under debate as part of the municipal agenda for many years, it is unlikely to suffice to resolve the congestion even were it ever built.

One proposed solution to this problem would be to found another town, called Another Undisclosed Location. Carmen Sandiego, the local town planner, was last seen boarding a ship with a red, green and blue flag and carrying a stack of books - seemingly ready to start the search for a new, secret location.