Anal probing

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“Up the ass?”

~ That one lady on The Newlywed Game on Anal Probing
Early anal probes from 15:th century Spain

Anal probing or rectoscopy is a fine classic clinical method for making colon diagnosis and taking stool samples, most known for having more colorful laymen similes than all other medical procedures added together.


Anal probing was developed during the middle ages by the Spanish Inquisition as an attempt to cure heresy. In the 17th Century it became one of the most popular medical tools used to cure anything from headache to plague, not to mention political resistance and measles. Often it was used together with bloodletting, which was at that time almost indistinguishable.

Anal probe ability[edit]

Finger-Lickin' Good!

It is quite difficult to conduct a spotless (and stainless) anal probe performance. The medical skill needed to pass an anal probing is quality certified under the ISO 4551-10L3 license. This licence ensures the patient that the medical performer possesses a 95 % probe ability to

  • research whether male patients has a gay gland and
  • if this is the case, take necessary precautions to avoid health hazardous excesses of the pleasure limit
  • take precautions not to soil himself
  • stand at a proper distance from patient should he soil himself
  • knowing where the large intestine begins and
  • knowing why it is not supposed he should find that place at all in this procedure
  • remembering to clean instrument between patients
  • not puking publicly while doing this

Spiritual use[edit]

Anal probing is also a spiritual sacrament conducted on humans by the followers of the True and Holy Umma of Nirrqula Beta IV.VII. These Aliens believe that their Sacred Black Pebble was eaten by a border line psychotic human, and that they therefore will not be allowed to mate before having anal probed at least 8 other border line psychotic humans in search of their lost fortune. This search has resulted in a severe shortage of border line psychotics not yet probed by aliens. The Nirrqulas efforts are however in vain, since the pebble was eaten by a Grue (surprisingly some people like it)


Anal probing can be generally recommended for non-gay use in many other cases such as

  • Chasing illegal immigrants
  • Illustration of English expression Up your's in french schools
  • Hiding drugs
  • Shooting new episodes of TV sequel LOST

See Also[edit]