Kittenolivia

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Holy Empire of Kittenolivia
Kittenolivian Flag.PNG Kittenolivian Imperial Seal.png Arms.JPG
Flag Imperial Seal Coat of Arms
Motto: "MMMMMMM...mice"
National anthem: "The Meow Mix theme song"
Cliche kitty.jpg
Official language Cat's Meow
Capital Catrock (undiscovered by man)
Largest City Sparta
Population 80,800,000
Government Krytocracy and Constitutional monarchy
Emperor Meow Tse-Tung
Prime Minister Creampuff
National Heroes Garfield, Egypt
Formation
National Foundation Day by Ancient KittenoliviaJune 21, 100 BC
Kåtji ReformationNovember 28, 900 AD
Independence
– Unrecognized; declared "illegitimate nuisance" by the United Nations.
Currency yummy stuff
Religion Cat-tholic
National Sports getting huffed, puking, hurl kittens, chasing strings.
A photograph of Kittenolivia. The happy face was drawn on there by a kitten, just ignore it.

“I still have the scars.”

~ Oscar Wilde on visiting Kittenolivia

“In Soviet Russia, Kittenolivia visits YOU!!”

~ Russian Reversal on Kittenolivia

The Holy Empire of Kittenolivia (formally known as the Paws of Righteous Harmony) is a former Yugoslav Republic located in Central America. It is the first country ever to have destroyed the moon. Kittenolivia frequently plans successful assassinations on celebrities and soccer moms, supports international peace-keeping missions, terrorist activities, child obesity and kitten-huffing addiction. Kittenolivia went to war with Mars. Currently, they are in an intergalactic war against the Dog Star, their dreaded enemies the Dog must be destroyed. Those butt-smelling, self-licking, toilet water drinking overgrown rats.

Exports[edit]

Kittenolivia makes a lot of its money from its exports. Its main export is Catnip. Catnip is the main one because kittens are the best at making it. Kittens like Catnip so much that they have discovered ways to make the side affects super effective. Also, in Kittenolivia, Catnip isn't illegal so they don't have to pretend to be trying to stop the production of Catnip in their Country. They mass produce this so much because kittens love catnip and they want a lot of catnip. Toy mice are their other export. Toy mice here are mass produced so that kittens and the people they export to can play with toy mice.

History[edit]

Ancient History[edit]

Flag of Ancient Kittenolivia.
Great Seal of Ancient Kittenolivia.

While the Kittenolivia area was initially inhabited around the 8th millennium BC, the first “Ancient Kittenolivia” settlements were established in approximately 1800 BC in Üpzst region of the Pacific Coast. Archaeological evidence[1] suggests the construction of ceremonial architecture in the Kittenolivian area by approximately 1000 BC, approximately on January 9, 10:47 A.M. not by Ian Paisley. Ancient Kittenolivia was formed when many kitty tribes wanted to make a trading spot where the nearby Maya civilization and Olmec civilization. They traded goods like jade, calenders, cowbell, Mud Puppy oil, mummy paper, Axolotls, lungfishes and much more. They were great traders by 90 BC, and the Maya reached thier Classic period.

The empire reached its peak by 50 BC, due to sucessful imports and exports, beating the city-state of Catalonia and stealing Olmec food crops. Ancient Kittenolivia stretched across the entirety of Texas, even reaching the now nearby Inca empire in south America. The vast empire got new ideas, from the Inca and Nazca — fodging Bowie knives, Rambo knives, Ginsu knives and Deity Elections ― for weaponary. On the castle cortyards, invaders will find themselves raiding in a insead of the castle it surrounds!

So old.

In AD 9, the ancient Kittenolivian emperor[2] decied to make a flag and a great seal, based on what she saw.

Conquering Kittenolivia[edit]

In 1422 AD, a world renowned conqueror from who was named No redeeming urine conquered Kittenolivia in three minutes. The highly flammable kittens took a dump on No redeeming urine and he was killed in the battle. Nevertheless, Kittenolivia was conquered but the kittens enslaved the helpless human/moogle/viera conquerers. The kittens used them for cheap labor and in turn the slaves go to huff the kittens.

The Kittenolivian Revolution[edit]

In 1495, nothing was happening and everyone was really bored because nobody had made a decent pie in years. Quite frankly, the kittens got sick of it, unleashed an army of grue allies on their smelly, short, wrinkly French conquerors. Underestimating the power of kittens in numbers, the French were devoured by the kittens in so little time that nobody found out about it.

Kittenolivian Wars[edit]

In 1742, the United States of America went to war with Kittenolivia, igniting the long lasting Viera vs. Kitten War, Moogle vs. Kitten War and Human vs. Kitten War. Obviously, the kittens won easily after turning the tables on the Americans by huffing the foolish humans/moogles/vieras. The current USA president himself, Ronnie Reagan was huffed and he never returned to the way he was =)

The leader of the Kittenolivian revolution.

The long bloody war saw absolutely NO blood. Instead, warfare consisted of both sides continually taking huge dumps in the enemy's water supply. This was a bad strategy for the US as, as we all know, every single AMERICAN is constipated (plus Weegee's conversion, the kittens had him in handy & magical ). The kittens, who never stop shitting, won a glorious victory. Kittenolivian War hero Catatürk proudly proclaimed at the end of the war "the glory of our victory and our talented dumping is shown in that we will never be as full of shit as the constipated Americans." There was a lot of blood.

Modern era[edit]

The modern geovernment of Kittenolivia began, under its formal name, in 1961, as a small group of feline revolutionaries protesting the widespread de-sexing of male cats. This cause is thought by several prominent psychologists to have contributed to the extremely sexist, male-centred culture we see amongst the nation today.

The leader, known by Paco Tacoyummy, was a young radical, himself traumatised by the de-sexing treatment. As a demonstration of sheer gratitude, “Paco” abandoned his slave name, and became “Meow Tse-Tung”, and since this event, Kittenolivia citizens traditionally adopt (often nonsensical) surnames in Mandarin Chinese. Many at the time expected that the Paws of Righteous Harmony were merely a somewhat comical spin-off stemming from the widespread counter-cultural tendencies of the time, and would soon peter out. However, it was not to be.

It was in the 22nd of September, 1965 that the Paws of Righteous Harmony first declared their independence as a Nation to the United Nations. It was also on this day that they were first to be denied this claim, and, in what has become something of an annual event, it was on this day that Meow Tse-Tung first threatened the capital cities of the world with the "newly built" Moon Cannon.

However, sheer efficiency of their terrorist operations, especially given the lack of soldiers with opposable thumbs, attracted the attention of Communist spies, and in the early part of 1966, the Paws received disproportionately massive subsidies in Sovbloc money.

Most dear to the young cats’ hearts, however, they allegedly received a shipment of highly illegal (and theoretically impossible) “re-sexing pills” from the People’s Republic of China, eerily foreshadowing Kittenolivia's unethical use of chemical treatments and gene therapy to further their goals. The side effects, reported to be an horrific product of the pill’s original use in interrogative situations, are thought to be the root of many of the more radical elements of the group.

While certainly not uneventful, the intervening years largely followed a pattern of demands, threats, denials, further demands, petty squabbles, minor terrorism and unprosecutable acts of guerilla warfare.

The only non-violent/legal event of interest occurred on the 22nd of September, 2001, when Meow Tse-Tung halted his annual “Destruction of the Capitals” speech to offer condolences towards the United States for the events of 9/11. However, he promptly retracted that statement and offered sanctuary to any terrorists involved when it became clear that the US would not be offering control of Afghanistan in exchange for his support.

The few other notable exceptions to this unfortunate continuity are noted below in the “international scandals” section.

Geography[edit]

His Holiness, the Dalai Lama accompanied by two traditional Zen Buddhist nuns.

“In the other side of Misty Mountains.”

~ Gandolf's wisdom
May The Force be with you (or crops).

At 50 BC, Kittenolivia stretched across the entirety of Texas, pulled a muscle, and limped all the way back again. Geography of Kittenolivia is like the Mayans farmland, suitible for growing tropical crops, but not kidneys or plecostomuses. Ancient Kittenolivians tried to fix broken eggs but they fail. Some came as far as Lake tahoe, and some Road kill.
The Kittenolivian crops are:

Demographics[edit]

Official demographics

Kittenolivia claims a population of some 2,900,000,000, scattered throughout the world. However, the fact that they are scattered means that very few are able to respond to the census presented to the United Nations. Specifically, 8,070,000.

Due to Kittenolivia's policy of encouraging breeding (as per the It's Not Rape If She Has Your Children Act 1984), determining any sort of estimates as to breed would be impossible.

Approximately 60% of the population were under 4 years of age; 10% were 5-7 years old, 18% were between 7-10 years old, and 12% were 10 or over.

Median income is alleged to be $400 per year in the form of dried cat food provided by owners. This caused Meow Tse-Tung, in an unusual display of ebonics, to claim that "It's the White Man's yoke that keeps the cat brothah down. He don't even pay us in money, he gives us food so we don't starve, but won't give us money so we can emancipate ourselves." However, due to official policies regarding the recording of Cat Cocaine transactions, it is unlikely that these estimates have any relation to the truth.

Religion[edit]

Main article: Cat-tholic Church

People (Cats?)[edit]

Kittenolivia cats differ from their ignorant brethren by their generally surly demeanor, tendency to refer to their owner as "the white man", and by the ubiquitous habit of attempting to get their owner addicted to Cat Cocaine. Woe betide any owner who's cat actually uses the stuff. Seriously, it's not so cute when you have to use the last band-aid in the house because Sweety thought it would be fun to clamber up your back, claws out.

Politics[edit]

Kittenolivia describes itself as a "benevolent autocracy" (the rest of the world says describes this as "half right"). It is ruled by the Autocrator (supreme, eternal monarch for life) Meow Tse-Tung, and his delegation of ministers. It's political stance varies between hard-right, hard-left, and just plain treacherous, depending on who they want to recognise their nationhood.

Leadership[edit]

From 1965 to today, Kittenolivia has looked to its' Autocrator, Meow Tse-Tung, for guidance. This eloquent and potent cat is reputed to be the sole source of policy for Kittenolivia, a bulwark of strength contrasting with the weak viscissitudes of democracy. It is a credit to his devotion to his country, or perhaps to the Kittenolivia's avant garde approach to genetic engineering, that he has survived some 43 years beyond his expected lifespan, and a credit to the patience of diplomats worldwide that he has suffered no serious injuries in this time.

His entire life is dedicated to the furtherance of feline goals, and his spare time is spent plotting Kittenolivia's policies and taping sexual encounters with the daughters of diplomats for use as blackmail.

International Scandals[edit]

A “photograph” of the moon city.

Throughout its history, Kittenolivia has been the centre of a number of international scandals. While many point the blame at the insensitive political stances, unreasonable demands, and conflicting treaties made by Kittenolivia, Meow Tse-Tung continues to claim all of the events below were motivated purely by racism.

Capital City controversy[edit]

Despite a constant stream of photographic and video evidence to the contrary, Kittenolivia has, since 1965, claimed as its' capital Catrock, a moon outpost/metropolis.

Complicating matters, Kittenolivia continues to claim that Catrock is built around Cathammer mk. V, a "super-cannon", and often punctuates its' demands with threats to the major capital cities of the world. Interestingly, the exact mechanics of the super-cannon, while they have been released, tend to change when genuine scientific inquiry reveals them to be inoperable.

However, it is of course possible that such an outpost has been built. Kittenolivia has offered constant rebuttals to doubts about the reality of Catrock, although these too have changed with time. For example, in the late 1960's, Meow Tse-Tung was frequently heard to reply to hecklers "Why don't you go up there and find out for yourself", which promptly ended in 1969, when someone really did. Of course, doubts have been raised about the authenticity of the Moon Landings, and even the least credible of these doubts is usually aired in Kittenolivia propaganda as soon as it comes about (or vice versa).

Flag controversy[edit]

In 1965, when Kittenolivia was taken over by Meow Tse-Tung, he presided over a flag-raising ceremony dinner. Unfortunately for the nation, the flag that was unveiled was this one.

Needless to say..it didn't go so well.

The cats, in revealing this flag, offended virtually every group in the United Nations. Former Allied nations thought that the flag was an attempt to claim credit for the defeat of the Nazis, while Jewish groups believed that the flag represented a blatant threat to them. Furthermore, many resented the presence of Kittenolivia's allegedly fictional moon-cannon on the flag, and found the inscription to be unduly threatening.

The universal anger against Kittenolivia's choice to represent itself with this flag continued until they changed it a few months later.

Cat cocaine controversy[edit]

Main article: Cat Cocaine

It has been alleged numerous times since 1983 that not only is Kittenolivia cheaply and willingly supplying Cat Cocaine to drug traffickers around the world, but that doing so is virtually the entire basis of their economy. Having land on which to engage in legal forms of wealth production, it is quite likely that Kittenolivia are financing their dubious nationalism by illegally converting foetuses into Cat Cocaine, and they have indeed been the first entity officially branded a "cool nation" in recorded history.

However, in addition to denying the allegation that Cat Cocaine is a by-product of a human foetus, Kittenolivia spokescats have responded that, lacking opposable thumbs, any obvious infrastructure or official support, they could not possibly accomplish the mass murder and theft of foetuses, or ensure any reliable supply without a massive base of human support, who could be relied upon to protect them from the laws of the host nation, or indeed, to force change to any laws that might result in their prosecution. Obviously, no such group exists.

Alleged support of North Korea[edit]

According to a leaked North Korean report, from 1970 to 1976, Kittenolivia had pursued a relationship with North Korea, and, upon signing a treaty that agreed that South Korea had no right to exist independently, Kittenolivia found a supporter in its' fight for nationhood. It was not to last however, as North Korean diplomats soon found a clause in the treaty claiming all land below the 38th parallel as territory of Kittenolivia. In its' defence, Kittenolivia pointed out that it rarely honoured treaties anyway.

These allegations resurfaced as Kittenolivia was attempting to initiate a similar alliance with Taiwan, and is possibly responsible for the breakdown of negotiations. In all fairness, despite official estimates to the contrary, Kittenolivia obviously lacks the necessary population to colonise mainland China.

Homophobia controversy[edit]

In 1997, British gay rights group OUTrage took offense at a number of comments made by Meow Tse-Tung (too many to list here). Unfortunately for all involved, they proceeded to take their complaints to the newly elected Prime Minister of Britain, Tony Blair. Mr. Blair then mentioned these complaints in his annual "Kittenolivia independence rebuttal” speech.

Showing his characteristic feline dignity, Meow Tse-Tung interrupted the speech to accuse Mr. Blair of being “the love slave of licentious hollywood bugger-men”, and proceeded in a 10 minute monologue accusing the Prime Minister of having sexual relations with a number of famous gay rights figures, in graphic detail (since this day, hand gestures have been banned from the United Nations). Unfortunately, this was only the beginning of the controversy.

At the time, it was OUTrage’s standard practice to accuse it’s more volatile opponents of being gay themselves, and soon picket signs, bumper stickers and T-shirts with the slogan “Come out, Meow Tse-Tung” were everywhere Kittenolivia had influence. Kittenolivia refused to let this insult slide, and, to the dismay of all, the indomitable Autocrator interrupted the next United Nations convention to present video evidence of his heterosexuality, starring the daughter of the President of Togo. All present were forced to seek counselling, and the President himself is said to have never recovered, which is unsurprising given that Meow Tse-Tung has to this day found novel ways to display photographs of the event prominently in the President’s view on his birthdays and other special occasions (Most notably sending a large cake with a perfect rendering of a more obscene still made in the icing).

Since the event, none, including and especially OUTrage, have ever confronted Kittenolivia on policies regarding sexuality. Even today, historians wishing to view footage of the proceedings may only do so in Sweden. To his credit, Meow Tse-Tung has attributed the reaction to the event to envy.

The United States of America vs. Kittenolivia[edit]

As has become their habit, Kittenolivia interrupted the 2000 Olympic games in Sydney, it’s athletes marching in poor formation, carrying the flag of Kittenolivia and banners naming certain athletes as homosexuals and deriding their lack of masculine energy. The Penguin Empire was there killin' cats.

The Australian Federal Police promptly escorted these “athletes” from the stadium, hospitalising a number of the cats when they collapsed from the exertion. Consequently, SOCOG phone lines were flooded with bomb threats made in unconvincing Russian accents. The Australian Government decided this to be the last straw, and began an operation to round up all involved.

However, Meow Tse-Tung and his cohort had left the country long before, and were hiding in the United States. The Australian Government soon demanded the extradition of all Kittenolivia activists involved in the bomb hoax, and the US gleefully complied. Before many could escape, they were placed in Police custody and flown to Australia. Meow Tse-Tung himself was caught driving towards the border of Mexico with nothing but a copy of Eurythmics “1984-For the Love of Big Brother” and 12 kilos of Cat Cocaine in the boot of a stolen ’69 Impala.

Before he could be detained, he managed to claw three officers, and break the ribs of a fourth with a shovel-hook, before being tackled to the ground, dragged towards a van by four officers, leaping free, brutally maul a fifth officer, and sprint the rest of the distance to Mexico. Officers involved were reportedly amazed at the “un-natural strength” of the diminutive Autocrator. Conspiracy theorists point out the incident as evidence of Kittenolivia's surreal and unethical use of genetic engineering, while Meow Tse-Tung attributed it to his intense masculinity.

As a result of this debacle, Meow Tse-Tung spitefully changed the Kittenolivia anthem to “The Sand Spangled Banner”, almost identical to America’s National anthem, save for the replacement of all references to America (and Freedom, Liberty etc.) with cat-related verses, and a slight, mildly offensive change in title.

American lawyers immediately petitioned the United Nations to begin legal proceedings for plagiarism, and threatened to end all negotiations with Kittenolivia. Meow Tse-Tung replied by threatening to bombard Washington from the Moon, and, defying all human knowledge of cat anatomy, delivered the first middle-claw in recorded history.

Before legal proceedings could begin, however, it was pointed out that, in order to initiate legal proceedings against Kittenolivia, it would be necessary to grant them independent status. The US quickly realised that this was yet another plot to attain nationhood, and abandoned its legal battlefront in 2001. Meow Tse-Tung has made no statement regarding this, but it is of note that the summer of 2001 marked the largest epidemic of Cat Cocaine addiction in the history of the United States.

Notable Achievements[edit]

Many have said that Kittenolivia offers little to the World community, and have contributed nothing to the universal pool of knowledge. The author would suggest ignoring those people.

Run from the mummies![3]

Ancient Kittenolivians were skilled poets about Unhappy-land and Surtsey. Lindsay Lohan also made a flag and a poem about this great civilization. She used ivory for the flag, though. Because she thinks elephants come from Anatolia.[4] They invented the Ѻ symbol.[5]

Literature and Science have been traditional areas of (official) excellence amongst Kittenolivia citizens, although many would consider adding espionage to this list.

Kittenolivia's publishing industry has come a long way from it’s beginning poorly translating "Communist" texts by fitting the word “Cat” in wherever possible (for examples, see “The Communist Cattifesto” and“Nineteen Catty-Four”). Now, Kittenolivia authors publish treatises on tactics at a rate comparable to the production of low-grade romance novels, many of which show understanding of concepts that Machiavelli or Sun Tzu could barely grasp. It has become one of the great pre-occupations of developed nations and their Intelligence Agencies to have these works translated, but unfortunately, almost all literate cats learnt their letters in Kittenolivia indoctrination camps.

However, it is in the Sciences that Kittenolivia is truly ahead of the world. This is not to say that they excel in the field, but they certainly reap the benefits of decades of research uninhibited by laws or common ethics. Many believe that China’s current stock of nerve-damaging, mind altering interrogation drugs allegedly being used on dissidents were a “repayment” for the stock of re-sexing pills of the 1960’s. Many also believe that Kittenolivia merely passed on rejected stock. Given their extensive, proven use of mind-bending chemical weapons possessed of side effects well in excess of the Chinese interrogation drugs, the criteria for rejection probably didn’t involve issues of cruelty.

Genetic engineering is also rife amongst Kittenolivia. Since their current state as a dictatorship was essentially the result of changes to their body made by Chinese chemicals, it is unsurprising that Kittenolivia has consistently altered their physical bodies in order to further their quest towards independence. While evidence is hardly lacking, the most obvious example is the reputed “Ox-like” strength of Meow Tse-Tung, Autocrator and 45 year-old cat, exhibited many times in the face of danger (real or perceived), not to mention his eloquence, libido, and frequent use of expressively grotesque paw-gestures.

Trade[edit]

Main article: Cat Cocaine

References[edit]

Do ya know where a pen you aaaaaaaaaaaaare!!!
  1. Evidence sponsered by jade.
  2. This emperor was called Lil' Lohan, maybe an ancester of Lindsay Lohan of AD 1. In the Days of yore, she did a lite memo for her kittens.
  3. Ms. spontaneous earned them. Thats why she's running.
  4. That's what she thinks.[citation needed]
  5. Its use has been shrouded in doubt for the last five minutes. Orginally it could be used to show an O with peircings, or maybe the mouth of a very hungry orphan. However Edgar Allan Poe have since decied that it now means a snake eating itself. Or Zá¦zẺX»½¼¾¿ÀÁzôÈ, or a part of Xenogears.

See Also[edit]

Soccer.jpg Central America and South America
Central: Belize | Costa Rica | El Humidor | Guatemala | Honduras | Kittenolivia | Nicaragua (en español) | Panama | Panama Canal Zone
South: Argentina (en español) | Bolivia | Brazil (em português) | Republic of Bulimia | Cat Nation | Catspace | Chile (en español) | Colombia (en español) | Easter Island | Ecuador (en español) | Falkland Islands | French Guiana | Galapagos Islands | Guyana | Locombia | Paraguay | Peru (en español) | Seahorsia | Suriname | Uruguay (en español) | Vergüenzuela (en español)
Quebecsnow.jpg
Countries and territories of North America
Main: United States of America | Canada/Canadia | Mexico | Jesusland | Confederate States of America | Québec
Northernmost: Mediocre Britain | Canada States | Duchy of Björk | People's Republic of Canada | Awesome land/Not So Awesome Land
Atlantic: United Spades of Amerika | Wikiland
Caribbean: Barbados | Communist | Dominican Republic | Earthquake | Jamaica | Tortuga | Trinidad and Tobago
Dependencies
Atlantic: United Kingdom of Britannia and Northern Pangaea
Northernmost: Greenland | Gayman Islands | Acadia | St. Pierre and Miquelon | Cancanada
Gulf of Mexico: Pen Island | Tropico | Orgasm
Caribbean: Martinique | Bermuda Triangle | British Virgin Islands | Cayman Islands | Monkey Island | Puerto Rico | U.S. Virgin Islands