Andy Samberg

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Recent photo of Andy Samberg (age 94)

Andy Samberg (born August 18, 1978) is a very funny Jewish guy who made a career of doing SNL skits and, in no way related, giving blowjobs to NBC Universal executives. At a glance, most would probably pin his age at around 947, but in reality he is 94 years old, staying young by eating organic shit and brushing his penis teeth twice a week. He currently lives in the Atlantic Ocean, on a boat as a matter of fact, just like his hit song I'm On a Boat[1] On an average day, he wakes up in the morning and stands on the starboard bow of the ship, fantasizing about flying the vessel to the moon (somehow), motherfucker, 'cause he's on a motherfuckin' boat.

This morning process is typically interrupted by an annoying phone call from corporate, followed by another call from long-time friend (and co-worker) Seth Rogen. His breakfast usually consists of eating a bagel, and occasionally sucking a dude's dick.[2] He spends his evenings scoring some coke, chopping his balls off, and jumping out the window.

At one point he was rumored to have said something about sucking his own dick, but it turned out that wasn't him, but someone else.


For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Andy Samberg.

Andy Samberg was born in a California high school gymnasium, where he spent the first five years of his life inside a locker with smelly gym clothes. He was soon discovered by the school principal (who was about to rub one out into one of the dirty socks in the locker). After being discovered, he was quickly moved to a foster home, where he spent the next twenty years of his life, due to the fact that the foster parents couldn't determine his age, and he looked really fucking young. During his stay in the foster home, he studied up on Jewish comedy, which usually dealt with funny topics like circumcision, stealing money from the cash drawers at the bank, and Jesus. After leaving the foster home, he decided to go to high school and get his diploma, a process which took up another twenty years of his life. For those who don't know addition, this puts him at forty-five years old.

One day, he woke up and looked down at his morning wood HUGE! with a large, toothy, and boyish grin on his youthful face, and discovered his first pubic hairs. Soon afterward, he began to discover girls, and the relations between men and women. He decided to ask his long time friend Natalie Portman[3] on a date, and the two of them soon hit it off very well. Several months into the relationship, Andy knew that it was time for things to get more serious. He didn't buy her a diamond ring (because that kind of gift don't mean anything). Instead, he gave her the one gift that all women want, his Dick in a Box. Natalie was so thrilled, that she sat down on top of his face...and took a shit! Andy became so happy that a terrible thing happened...he Jizzed in his Pants. Now to be fair, Natalie was flirting a lot. Plus it was her fault, she was rubbing his butt. At this point, Andy was forced to pay for Natalie's dry-cleaning.

Birth of a Saturday Night Live Lifer's Career[edit]

Some pants-jizzing action, accompanied by a look of satisfaction.

After cracking a few of his practiced Jewish comedy jokes on unsuspecting crowds, and getting the shit kicked out of him by many, many a show business boss, he realized that he had a talent for humor when the bosses laughed heartily after fucking him up. So he wrote a letter to NBC Studios explaining his talents and dreams as a funny guy, which was thrown out before it was even opened. He wrote ten more such letters, and forty more years elapsed before he finally got a response from the network.[4] The producers of Saturday Night Live started to realize that their show wasn't funny at all, and that a 95-year-old boy might be exactly what they needed to spice things up a bit. And so Andy was allowed to create a skit with long-time friend's from the foster home, Jorma "The Dickweed" Taccone and Akiva "Kiv" Schaffer. [5]

AWW SHIT!!![edit]

SNL loved his premiere skit about Narnia[6] so much that they offered him a contract to permanently stay on the show, and give blowjobs to the rest of the crew, without pay. Andy knew a good deal when he saw one, and his big, boyish grin and big eyes flashed as he nodded, said "a-ight", and signed the contract.

With funding from NBC Universal, Andy featured great celebrities in his videos, like Tuvok "T-Pain" McVulcan, and Andy's future-to-be wife Natalie Portman. They also spent money on great props like boats, boxes, dicks to put in them, and bagels for his own bagel room of treats and partying.


  1. What a coincidence! He's on a boat, and he sings about being On a Boat. BRILLIANT!
  2. Not gay. "Sucking dick" in show business code means being nice to people, giving them encouragement and advice, being respectful to your superiors, and thus has no real parallels to homosexuality. Unfortunately, the Jewish hegemony of Hollywood who created these terms sucked actual amounts of dick since the early 1900s, because like their hero Adolf Hitler, they hated to be Jewish, and gay, and it was a good way to keep out who they believed to be foreigners--everybody--to their society, while passing for white in creating such vulgar, reactionary terms as an "in" to the majority white culture of those times. Usage of such terms (often seen as an English tradition to make more and more words in their English language to keep from getting bored and suicidal) to the present day have reflexive connotations rather than denoting true acts of fellatio. Such as when Samberg worked under SNL head writer Tina Fey, he had to suck her dick because she was his boss. Plus being gay would probably get in the way of Samberg's practice of Judaism, and that would be wrong. Gay or not, "sucking dick" is a harmless activity as of ca. 2000 A.D. when anti-gay United States politicians kept getting caught sucking dick in bathroom stalls, offices, and back seats of cars
  3. "I like the chronic-what-cles of Narnia. No, that was Princess Am-a-Wotta? Okay, don't know..."
  4. From the last letter to NBC Studios: "When Bruce Willis was dead at the end of Sixth Sense I jizzed in my pants!"
  5. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking? SNACK ATTACK MOTHERFUCKER!"
  6. Get your towels ready, it's about to go down!

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